Dear Nikol,
How do I know if I’m really gay? How do I know if it’s experimentation or a phase? I haven’t had sexual contact with a boy. Yet, at least. Sometimes gay sex makes me want to puke and sometimes I like it. What is with me? Please help.
– Curious and Confused
Dear C&C,
While it would be easy to pass this off and simply label you bisexual, I don’t really know if you are. You haven’t told me how you feel about sex with chicks, which seems to indicate that you don’t think about it, or that the reaction it creates in you is not as strong. And most bi-sexuals I’ve talked to are turned on by both sexes at any time, but you are repulsed by gay sex as often as you’re aroused by it.
There is no litmus test for Gayness, though. There is only time and choices and, in some cases, a person even moves between sexual preferences at many points during their lives. That’s why what was once LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bi, Trans) is now LGBTQ (Questioning). We could speculate that modern society allows for more openness and so people are allowing themselves to act on their sexual interests more freely, but Questioning is a pretty rough spot for people to find themselves in.
If I can’t tell you if you’re gay and you still don’t know if you are, then what the hell are you supposed to do? It’s not like you’re ready to have a big coming out day, because God forbid you wave your rainbow flag only to vomit on the male dancer your friends hire to show you that they’re cool with it?
The only thing you can do is wait until you meet someone you are interested in enough to take your relationship to the physical level. Don’t try to force yourself into a category of sexual preference. Keep yourself open to finding out what makes you tick. There is so much more to sex than where you put your penis. So far, your abstract thoughts are not based on physical encounters, and even when you reach that point, you may find that your desires vary.
I know this is a big deal, and I hope you and all of the Questioning people out there don’t feel like I am belittling how rough it is when I say that you just need to relax, give it time, and enjoy allowing yourself to figure out what you want slowly.
If you’re having trouble coping with anxieties, depression or fears on this issue, or if you just need to understand you are not alone, please check out this list of resources provided by PFLAG.
– Nikol
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Questions? If you have a question for Nikol, you can reach her confidentially at lovesexetc@milwaukeemagazine.com.Your anonymity will be protected.
