Dear Nikol,
Since about 6th grade I have had an addiction to gay porn. The problem is that I feel strong sexual attraction toward women in real life, and men do absolutely nothing for me outside of porn. I thought I might be gay and tried that out a couple times, but it just never worked. When I was younger I attributed it to curiosity, but now I habitually check my favorite porn sites. I have tried unplugging my computer for a couple weeks hoping that maybe the problem would just go away with time but instead that seems to make the problem worse. If I wasn’t so sure I liked women, this wouldn’t be such an issue. Yet I can’t help but wonder are there others like me? How would you even classify me?
– Annoyed Addict
Dear Annoyed Addict,
Brace yourself because I am about to put a big spoon in the controversy pot and stir. As a good friend pointed out to me recently, using words like “addiction” in reference to sex happens far too often. An addiction is a fairly serious and life-altering condition that requires cognitive behavioral therapies. Yet we’re all too ready to say that cruising for porn on a regular basis is an addiction even if it isn’t having adverse affects on our lives.
I’m pissed at all of the people making bank off of books and “programs” that will shame you into believing that the viewing of sexual imagery makes you an addict. Once upon a screwed up time people also thought that nocturnal emissions were a sure sign that you were on your way to becoming a drooling psychopath. Many sheet stains later we’re shaking our heads at those whacky old days, but society is still freaked out about pornography. When people say that viewing porn has the same affect on the brain’s cortex as snorting cocaine, they neglect to mention that orgasms have a narcotic-like affect on your whole body. And we all know that orgasms are a good thing.
You mention that you were in 6th grade when this started. At first I was going to tell you that 6th graders shouldn’t be looking at porn. It’s illegal. True as that might be, I am fairly certain we all discovered a stash of magazines or videos at a young age that sparked our interests. I am not sure how old you are now, but be sure that you’re keeping safe online.
You are writing to me because you feel personally that you have a problem. Let’s call it a “compulsion” for now. Let yourself settle into that idea. You really enjoy gay porn even though you don’t enjoy that you enjoy it. Time and again you are drawn to it. I am glad to hear that you have experimented with men, because that’s a pretty natural direction to go if you find yourself attracted to watching gay sex. And now that you’ve tried it you are sure you are not into dudes.
So here is where we take your “compulsion” down to bare bones and look at it for what it is. You have a kink. And to answer your question, yes, other people have the same kink. There are even straight women who have a kink for watching man-on-man porn. Since porn is a very visual thing, you could have this kink because of the way gay sex looks. Often mainstream male-to-female porn focuses a lot on the female body. Looking at a male body can turn you on because you can think of your own body as well. It could be something that you enjoy because it makes you feel deviant. Whatever the reason, if you enjoy watching two dudes make sex you should be able to keep enjoying it.
There is no classification or label for you. However, if this is a problem for you in that it makes you feel crappy about yourself, I would recommend that you get to the base of your interest with a good, open-minded therapist. Maybe once you understand why you like gay porn so much you can either be okay with liking it or find the key to getting it out of your life.
The same goes for all of you porn-lookers out there who are freaked out by whatever does it for you. These days there is something for everyone and a little extra. So listen to a cheesey ’80s song and learn to accept yourself or change the things you cannot live with.
– Nikol
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Questions? If you have a question for Nikol, you can reach her confidentially at lovesexetc@milwaukeemagazine.com.Your anonymity will be protected.
