Dear Nikol,
I’m a dyke. I think. I’m biologically female and I’ve had sex with lots of girls. I find women attractive, I have gay friends, and my mom is accepting of the fact that I’m a lesbo. I’m currently in a long term (semi-fucked up, with a hint of impending doom) relationship with a girl named M. I’m described by most as “butch,” and if we were to get all hetero-normative up in here, I “wear the pants” in my sex life and relationships.
Here’s the thing: I feel like a boy on the inside. I’ve thought about hormones and the like farther down the road but for now (I’m 17) I’m ok with being androgynous and getting chased out of public restrooms on a regular basis. M wants me to settle for butch, and is accepting of our trans friends in general, but isn’t so keen on me doing a whole lot of changing. (My mom thinks when I even mention gender expression I’m going to a) run away and become a hairy man, and b) get beaten to death by neo-nazis.)
Here’s where it gets interesting: I’ve been thinking about having anal sex with guys. Both giving and receiving. From what I hear and read on the inter-web, it’s pretty common among transgendered folks to go through transition and then want to do stuff with other trans folks. But I am so confused right now. The thought of being topped by a girl just seems not right and uncomfortable. And I can’t imagine myself with a guy as a female without cringing. But I have become more and more aware and freaked out at this thought of having male-on-male sex over the last year, to the point where I’ve thought about it during sex and had a bunch of dreams about it.
I can’t help but feel like I should not tell M about this. I don’t know if this is about gender…or am I a gay man or what…?
Thanks.
Confused in California.
Dear Confused,
If I sound old for saying this, just hand me my walker and some butterscotch candy, but being 17 sounds like it’s more complicated these days. You kids with your iPods and non-heteronormative lifestyles.
Gender identity as it relates to sexual preference can be a really tricky idea to hurdle. For some time it has been assumed that girls who feel and act more boyish are probably gay girls. Boys who are feminine are probably gay. If a guy or girl gets gender re-assignment surgery that means that they want to have sex with people who are the same sex they were at birth. People who like pineapple on their pizza are cool. All of these ideas are wrong. Because SEX is so cool, anytime it is part of a conversation it becomes the subject. When we talk about SEXual Identity we think it’s totally about having SEX. What it is about, instead, is identity.
If you feel strongly that you are a dude, you may very well be a dude. I wouldn’t run out penis shopping right away if I were you, but you should start discussing those feelings with a therapist who specializes in gender identity. Then you’ll be able to decide if you want to proceed with hormone therapy. (For the reader, hormone therapy would involve Confused getting regular injections of testosterone which would help stop the period, possibly lower the voice and increase body hair growth.) You also may find in therapy that you want to have your breasts surgically removed and your chest restructured. You may find that you want to have gender reassignment surgery. But all of those choices are going to take time and a lot of thought.
It is also possible that you are “gender queer.” No, I’m not calling you names. I appreciate that unless I am homosexual I am not supposed to call you people “queer.” I am also not supposed to call you “you people.” Gender queer is a term that describes men and women who move between identifying heavily as one sex or the other. You say that you are content being androgynous right now and that content feeling may stay with you. You may go through periods of time in which you take the hormones and present yourself as a man. You may go through time when you don’t take hormones and present yourself as a butch.
Now let’s tackle that sexual preference issue you are having. You want to have anal sex with men both as the top and the bottom. You want to have sex with women as the top. You have no interest in having a woman dominate you or a man having vag sex with you. You lose your focus here when you get bogged down in the kind of sex you want to have with each gender. You are bi-sexual. Good for you. And don’t be too surprised if over the years you start having daydreams about other scenarios. If you go through a phase where you fantasize about being ultra feminine and being topped by a butch you can decide for yourself if that is something you want to act out in real life. You have to roll with the curiosities.
No matter what route you take you are also going to have to decide if you can hang. You have a support system around you but even within LGBT circles there can be cattiness. Your mom may be accepting but she’s not always going to say the right things. It is not going to be easy for those around you to keep up with your ever-changing self. Since M is a big part of your life and her feelings matter to you, it would be really dumb not to tell her about this stuff. She’ll either decide she can cope with it or she’ll move on. Keeping secrets is a bad idea in a relationship. It leads to resentment for both people.
Good luck to you. And thanks for writing the sort of question that made the magazine’s email system blush. (Well, not blush. But flag as containing NSFW content.) If you have any other questions, I recommend checking out ftmalliance.org– it’s a great list of resources.
– Nikol
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Questions? If you have a question for Nikol, you can reach her confidentially at lovesexetc@milwaukeemagazine.com.Your anonymity will be protected.
