Dear Nikol,
My girlfriend has turned into a total bitch lately, and it isn’t my fault. I like her and I have been nothing but a gentleman to her, but my friends hate her. They say mean stuff to her, and sometimes they pull pranks on her, like one night she came over and they told her they’d get me but they just left her standing outside and didn’t tell me she was there and I thought it was funny, but she couldn’t take a joke. Or they put up pictures of me with my old girlfriend who is way hotter than my current girlfriend and they talk about how much we used to have sex.
Like I said, though, this isn’t my fault. I am not the one doing this stuff to her. These are my friends and she’s not dating them, so why should she care what they say? Every time she has a fit it only gets worse to the point that I almost feel I need to break up with her if she can’t control her behavior. She has no reason to be mean to me over this. She should stand up for herself in a smart way, not cry and yell at me when they bug her. How do I get that through to her? Maybe you should call her and tell her, because you seem to know how to talk to irrational people. Or should I just dump her already?
– D-bag Boyfriend
Dear D-bag Boyfriend,
Yes, you should dump her already. And it’s not because she’s a bitch, it’s because you’re a bitch. I’m not saying she isn’t a bitch because she didn’t write to me. You did. And you should not be going out with this girl.
In the first place, you seem to think this girl is beneath you. She isn’t hot enough, she’s irrational, she needs to stand up for herself. Well, then why are you with her instead of your old girlfriend who was hot and had sex with you all the time? (Let me guess. Hot, sexy girl dumped you.) If you honestly have such a mundane opinion of your current girlfriend, it’s no wonder you’re being an idiot about why she is so upset.
Do you remember when you were a kid and you had friends over? Did you ever get in trouble for something your friends did that you didn’t even take part in? That’s because you know you need to respect the rules in your own home, right? And it is up to you to enforce those rules with your friends and make sure they respect your parents. And if you are so damn respectful to your girlfriend, you should expect your friends to also be respectful, even if that respect is as simple as saying nothing at all. Any human being who is treated the way your roommates are treating your girlfriend would be upset.
She has more reason to be upset, though, because you aren’t doing anything about it. Healthy relationships are completely reciprocal. Both of you should desire to see the other person happy. You should want to give and take equally, and that includes a desire to protect each other. While some of us have different strengths than others (for example, I am great at taking care of those I love when they are physically in pain, and terrible at taking care of them when they are emotionally hurting), on the whole it should be our desire to see the other person taken care of.
It doesn’t sound like you’re capable of that with your girlfriend. While break ups are painful, and she’s obviously stuck around with you for some reason, how about you do something right for her for once? Break it off. Say goodbye. Be alone for a while and grow up. In the interim maybe your d-bag friends will grow up enough to stop treating others with such disregard. And hopefully you’ll care enough about the next girl you meet to understand that her feelings are just as important as your own.
– Nikol
___________________________________________________
Questions? If you have a question for Nikol, you can reach her confidentially at lovesexetc@milwaukeemagazine.com. Your anonymity will be protected
