Dear Nikol,
I’ve been married for a few years and we’ve been trying to get pregnant for about a year. I’m now 4 months pregnant, and I feel awful for saying this, but I am not pleased at all. I don’t feel like my husband pressured me into anything. I thought I wanted a baby, too. And when the test was positive, I smiled. But I wasn’t happy. I thought it was just fear and that I would become happy. I’ve been waiting for the happy to start, but I just don’t want anything to do with this baby or pregnancy. I don’t want to be a mother. What the hell is wrong with me?
– Not A Mom
Dear NAM,
Well, you’re past the point of being able to abort. I could try to tell you that once the baby arrives, you’ll take one look at its little face and you’ll be instantly transformed into a maternal person, but that would be a load of horseshit. If you’ve ever seen a newborn baby, you know that they’re fairly ugly creatures. I have a theory that they are born ugly and needy so that we’re forced to take care of them at their ugliest, which makes loving them at every other phase of their life seem easy.
First of all, and I mention this with hesitation because it’s not the entire root of the issue, but your hormones are way out of whack at the moment. People react to these hormonal changes in all sorts of ways, and depression is one. You very well may be a person who will benefit from the short term use of anti-depressants while pregnant and for a few months after. The miracles of modern medicine have even made it possible for pregnant ladies to be able to take such drugs without birthing mutants. So, talking to your doctor about this is a great first step for you.
Beyond that, though, you’ve got some pretty major decisions to make, so you also need to start to see a therapist. There is a lot to consider, because once that baby comes out of your body, you are going to impact its life, so you need to sort out as much of your stuff as you can before that happens. Your husband also needs to know how you are feeling right now, though I suggest you tell him in the presence of your therapist so someone else can be there to help both of you understand how to cope.
You do still have the option to give the baby up for adoption. While this might seem extreme, if you talk to a therapist and you’re 100 percent sure you’re just not a mother, think of how extreme the next 18 years of parenting are going to be. Making that choice would mean a lot of bravery on your part, because it will most certainly be met with a lot of criticism from family and friends. Your husband may even be dead set against it, and this could mean the end of your marriage.
If you work with your therapist and decide to keep your child, you will likely need to continue therapy once the baby is born. Not to be crass, but you don’t want to be featured on the news for being the latest woman to drown her baby in a bathtub. Postpartum depression and/or psychosis is very real and combined with the lack of sleep facing you, and the sounds of a baby crying, taking time to talk to someone about the challenges is a must.
I wish you good luck with this, and I hope nothing I’ve said has made light of what you’re experiencing. Know that you’re not a bad person for having the feelings you are having. Just don’t let it get out of control.
– Nikol
***
Questions? If you have a question for Nikol, you can reach her confidentially at lovesexetc@milwaukeemagazine.com or by clicking here. Your anonymity will be protected.
