Dear Nikol,
I am a guy who has been trying to figure out his place in the world, sexually. I’ve had hookups with both guys and girls and while I am not turned off by sex and do have a sex drive, when I actually get into the act, I hate it. I am uninterested in my partner’s vagina or penis when I go down there, which is weird because I honestly am turned on by the thought of pleasuring someone orally. I don’t like sex and I would just prefer to cuddle and kiss (but not make out, that skeeves me out). I am more turned on by being a third party to sex than being involved. I just want someone to be with – guy or girl – and connect emotionally but not physically. I am confused by my very active sex drive and my dislike of sexual contact. I am wondering if this means I am asexual.
– Confused and Concerned
Dear C&C,
I can see how you’d be confused. Asexuality is defined as a lack of sexual desire for anyone. People who are asexual can have meaningful, loving relationships but they do not desire sex. I can’t fathom what that would be like, but if it has a Wikipedia entry it must exist, right?
You, however, seem to desire sex but only in thought. I assume when you say that thinking of pleasing someone orally turns you on that this also means you can masturbate and orgasm thinking of this. You also mention that you like to watch. Just like people who love porn, you are into the visual stimulation of seeing people enjoy each other. But the breakdown happens once you are engaged in the activity with your own body.
I’m going to go out on a limb here. I am not a doctor of any sort, and as I answer questions I often feel like I need scads more information to give a proper answer. But I only have what you sent me so I’m just going to say what I think is going on. I don’t know if you are gay, straight, bi, or a member of the NRA, but what it sounds like to me is that in order for you to have a satisfying sexual experience you are going to need to readjust your thinking of your own presence within that experience.
What I’m saying is that through your voyeurism and intense thought about your sexual preference you have removed the “you” from any sexuality at all. It is clear that you enjoy the sexuality of others. The first thing you need to determine is if this bothers you. Do you mind being a guy who only likes to watch? Honestly, if you don’t mind, then go on with what you are doing and don’t worry about it. If it does bother you and you want to be a sex-having mofo, be ready to find yourself a cool therapist who can help you figure this out properly.
So, say you go with option B and you decide you need to figure your stuff out. It would seem most logical to examine how you feel about yourself sexually, including all that super-duper-therapy stuff about your earliest thoughts about sex and the presence of sex in your household. What were the first fantasies you had? The first time you “made out” with a person and it skeeved you out, how did they react? What were the circumstances? Those things are good jumping off points. From there, and with a lot of talking, you can start to be able to understand what is happening and practice new behaviors that will help you stop shutting down during sex.
Good luck. And, seriously, you seem like a pretty open minded dude, so good on you for that.
– Nikol
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Questions? If you have a question for Nikol, you can reach her confidentially at lovesexetc@milwaukeemagazine.com.Your anonymity will be protected.
