Dear Nikol,
I have been friends with Beth for years now. To be blunt, when we first met it was lust at first sight. Hellfire red hair, flowing curves, and a personality that just made me instantly want and like her. Keeping all of this in check when we first met was her incredible hulk of a husband. It worked out pretty well though. We were all friends and traveled around the same circles and I was happy that this would all just be fantasy and flirtations and that was that – a perfect little balancing act.
Ever notice how every time you have something in balance in your life somebody shakes the scales? Well, Beth and the incredible hulk got divorced. Want to know what the worst encouragement the object of a crush can ever do? Use you as her shoulder to cry on, friend and confidant. That really just does not help matters any. What followed in the 3 or 4 years since was a roller coaster of hope and fun followed by rejection.
I literally have had to cut ties with her just to get off the coaster. It sucks big time, but there comes a time when you have to put all the emotion aside, step back and just LOOK at the big picture. The biggest thing that would trip me up over and over was that she was always flirtatious. I always wondered if there wasn’t a bit of a tease in her. When asked the answer was always: I do things like this with you because it’s what you like. I couldn’t argue much, because I did like to flirt with her.
Now lets look at the flip side of my life and I shall actually ask you a question. Why is it that a man who is happy in both life and his marriage gets caught up in stupid stuff like this? While I don’t often reflect on what makes people do these things, I thought that since I liked your advice so much, it would be the perfect time to wonder about such things.
I’m 38 years old and I have been married for 14 years. Now, my friends say I have found every man’s fantasy wife. Beautiful, loving, non-jealous, a little bi-sexual, a little voyeuristic, and all with a wonderful personality. Now let me tell you what she is to me. She’s the reason I get up in the mornings. The part of me that I never knew was missing until I found her. She is love and joy and everything that I ever want or need. We have an absolutely GREAT sex life. She is open minded and adventurous. If you can think of it, chances are we have tried it, or talked about it. Yet here I am, and in 14 years I have been with 5 other women.
So why is it we do such things when we are happy at home?
Personally, I think it could be that there just isn’t enough blood in the male body to make both heads function properly at the same time, but a fresh view point could be interesting.
Kudos and Questions,
L
Dear L,
So you have the perfect wife. You’re totally satisfied with her in the sack and out. She’s 10 kinds of awesomesauce, but you can’t keep your main course in your pants. I can’t believe I am saying this, but it sounds pretty normal.
To clarify, I am not an advocate of cheating unless it’s on those Facebook quizzes about movies. Having affairs is inherently wrong because a strong relationship is based on trust and wanting to give someone what you expect them to give you. If your wife knew about these other women you’ve poked she would likely feel betrayed and hurt.
However, it cannot be ignored that some people are not cut out for a sexually or romantically monogamous life. There is a forced societal ideal that we need to find The One and have that One be the Only. So often when we hit a sleepy spot in those overwhelming lovey dovey feelings and we start to fantasize about something new we mistake this for the end of a relationship, leading to affairs that we then justify.
Recently polyamoury has begun making its way to the mainstream, but it still gets the stink eye from people who view it as a giant orgy of unhealthy behavior. Once people on both sides of that stick start to see that not everyone wants polyamory and not everyone wants monogamy, the world will be a better place.
But back to your question. The first myth to dispell is that this is a predominanly male manifestation of need for something new. Happily coupled women find themselves in this same spot time and again and we don’t even have penises draining all of our blood from our brains.
What we all have in common is that we’ve felt the euphoria of wanting and being wanted. It is the most amazing feeling in the world, but in long term love it isn’t going to be present all of the time. How easy is it to feel a swell of desire for a person who snores beside us every night for five years and uses the last bit of toilet paper? Moreover, how amazing is it to find someone who doesn’t get irritated with characteristics like always getting lost or collecting potatoes that are shaped like the heads of presidents, but instead finds those things cute?
And so we wander in our affections, and if we are lucky and smart and have enough restraint we don’t wander so far that we can’t get back to the person with whom we loved enough to spend gobs of money on a wedding DJ and floral arrangements. Even if we can get back to those head tingling feelings of adoration with a spouse, once a person has had one affair it is likely that it will happen again.
While that answers your question about why I think you keep finding yourself drawn to sleeping with other women, I feel like I should say a word or two about how to deal with this stuff. But then again, isn’t that what Dr. Phil is for?
– Nikol
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Questions? If you have a question for Nikol, you can reach her confidentially at nikolknows@milwaukeemagazine.com. Your anonymity will be protected.
