Dear Nikol,
The advice you’ve given to everyone via this blog type thing has always been, funny, entertaining, and very informative. I can be more verbose, but I’m just gonna go say it. The girl I’ve been dating for about 2 and a half years (we’re both 19), well, her grandfather passed recently, and while it certainly wasn’t a surprise, it hit her hard, and I’m trying my best to be there for her. But I’m afraid I just don’t know how a boyfriend is supposed to help her through grieving. Holding her when she needs it and talking when she wants to is all I have. As a woman who is wise in the ways of the world, do you have any advice on helping your partner deal with grief? I’m so sorry if this is a downer.
– No Cool Pun-Name in Maryland.
Hey Punless In Pikesville,
Nah, this isn’t a downer. I’m glad that you are interested in being as supportive of your girlfriend as you can. If you are concerned that the idea of death would be the downer, no worries. My son (who says some great stuff when he isn’t trying to get me to buy him legos) told me recently he understands that the death of a loved one is only sad for those of us still living because our time with that person is over. It’s a simple thought, but it’s one that helps most when we’re trying to figure out how to help someone cope with death. However, it’s pretty important to figure out more about why your girlfriend is specifically troubled.
To de-simplify my previous statement, I’d have to say that there are several reasons a person can get over-rattled by death. If you’ve ever spent time with someone who was the victim of a traumatic event and the aggressor of said event dies, it can be confusing to see that person freak out. You think, “Wait, her uncle molested her. Shouldn’t she be happy he’s dead?” In a case like that, it’s not about happy or sad. The person is forced to think about the trauma again and to feel all of the old fear and pain. If they never got to confront that person and make peace, that opportunity is now lost.
Then there are the situations where a family member dies and we know we should have made an effort to be closer with them. Maybe we even complained about them or didn’t like spending time with them. This can make us feel like we’re bad people.
Or how about death making us think more about mortality and how many other people in our lives could die? I know that one gets me every time, even if I am merely reading about a death. Since death is an eventuality for all of us, it’s jarring to wonder who we’ll lose next. This is even more unsettling if someone dies suddenly.
This tells you nothing about how to properly comfort your girlfriend, but it does allow you to consider the possible reasons she may be grieving extra hard. For your part you are doing the holding and the listening, and honestly, that’s about all you can do. You are allowing her to feel safe with you, so let her know that if there is something she feels she needs to do in order to say goodbye, you’ll be by her side. Even if it is something she needs to do alone, knowing she doesn’t have to be alone can be a giant help.
– Nikol
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Questions? If you have a question for Nikol, you can reach her confidentially at lovesexetc@milwaukeemagazine.com.Your anonymity will be protected.
