Last week, I said I’d share my before and after beginning so you can see the difference. Below are two different opening page to my book. The rest of the chapter still contains the same information just in both versions; it is just given in a different order. After reading the two opening pages below – which book would you rather read?
First Page A
Late April, a Wednesday
“…the high today will be 75 and sunny with a light breeze, cooler near the lake. Now for traffic; what’s it look like out there Pam?…”
Someone left the radio on from last night.
Lou must really hate herself to be up this early. Or really love Dev. But she was going with hate. Getting up at four could only be self-flagellation for the most serious.
“Ugh…too bright,” thought Lou, squinting at the glare of fluorescent lights on the stainless steel kitchen.
“Coffee.” With a slow shuffle, Lou walked through the kitchen doors to the coffee machine, sleepy-eye crust still in the corners of her eyes. She removed the stained filter basket from the machine, placed a new filter inside and fumbled in the dilapidated box for a little bag of coffee. After finding the tiny notch indicating where to tear, she carefully peeled open the bag. Lou had lost more than one bag of coffee in her desperation to free the grounds from their vacuum-packed prison. She inhaled into the open package; it was almost enough to get her eyes completely open. Lou dumped in the grounds and the hiss of brewing coffee soon broke the silence of the empty restaurant.
With the aroma of coffee filtering through the kitchen, Lou pulled ingredients off pantry shelves, confident which ingredients she needed and where they were located on the packed shelves. She never second-guessed herself in the kitchen.
—–
First Page B
Late April, a Wednesday
BZZZZZZ! BZZZZZZ! Lou reached into her t-shirt and fished the phone out of her bra. It was safer there than a back pocket. Even if she couldn’t hear it ring, she felt the vibrations. It was Dev. She pushed the button to answer.
“Happy birthday, handsome! You’re up early.”
“So are you. I was planning to leave a message. I figured you were still sleeping.”
Shit! Think quick, think quick.
“I have vendors coming early today.” Whew, that sounded good, simple, and he wouldn’t want more information about the restaurant.
“Fine. You’re still planning on getting out early tonight?”
“Unless it gets unusually busy, I should be over by ten. Is that OK?”
“Not until ten? I was hoping for more time to celebrate with you. Can’t you leave that restaurant earlier? It’s my birthday after all?” She could hear his puppy dog eyes over the phone. She could never refuse the puppy dog eyes.
“Sure, I’ll aim for eight instead. Is that better?”
“Perfect! Oh, and can you get my dry cleaning too. They called to say it’s ready.”
“I’d love to.”
“I’ll see you later tonight. Love you.”
“I love you too. Bye.”
Click. Lou stuffed the phone back into her shirt. Whew, she didn’t blow her surprise. Dev could read people so much better than she could. He always knew when she hid something. Or maybe as one of Milwaukee’s best personal defense attorneys his BS-o-meter was more finely tuned.
——
So, dear reader, does one grab your attention more than the other? Why? Let me know your thoughts in the comments.
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