Silicon Valley has finally fallen. This past week, the true capital of technological innovation revealed itself—River Falls, Wisconsin.
In another step toward humanity’s inevitable destruction at the hands of hyper-intelligent robo-sheep, Wisconsin vending machine company Three Square Market implanted microchips in about 50 of its employees, allowing them to open doors, use equipment and buy Skittles with a wave of their tech-enhanced limbs.
Some defend the initiative, saying it’s a simple piece of technology, that it’s already used in other companies and countries and that it doesn’t even contain GPS tracking data. In that regard, the microchip implant essentially operates as a more convenient version of the employee keycard. Yet others say that we have overstepped the bounds of the natural world and that our technological meddling will wake the ancient ones from their watery graves, leading to the violent and complete extinction of mankind.
Clearly, opinions differ.
This kind of tomfoolery prompts us to speculate as to the future of chips, both of the potato and micro variety, in Wisconsin.
Here are 4 possible uses for microchips in Wisconsin.
If you’re from Wisconsin, you probably know that the one thing those coastal elites (with their mason jars full of kombucha and salads full of kohlrabi) know about this fine state is our reputation for cheese. So why not embrace that? The newest microchip innovation (tentatively branded the MicroChedder 3000), could collect data on every cheese you eat, compiling it into a convenient database of dairy goodness. It will send your smartphone constant updates about the latest cheese sales and useful alerts, such as “I notice you’ve been eating a frankly alarming amount of Muenster cheese. Want to switch to Provolone?”
A Personalized Lambeau Experience
Imagine walking into Lambeau and hearing the digitally recreated voice of Vince Lombardi say, “Hey there, Mike. Welcome to Lambeau Field. We got a great game for you today. And always remember, ‘Winning isn’t everything. It’s the only thing.’” Assuming your name is Mike, this would be a real thrill. Someone from the pro shop would immediately receive a notification that Packer Microchip #28457457 has entered the facility and rush over with the cool hat you were looking at online, which happens to be on sale. Holographic projections of Aaron Rodgers and Clay Matthews, or whichever players your chip learns are your favorite, will walk alongside you, saying things such as “Mike, how are you today?” and “Let’s crack a cold brewski and head on over to your seat.” What a delightful possibility.
After having this microchip implanted in the back of your hand, you can head up north with your camouflage jumpsuit and deer pheromones, ready for a classic weekend of Wisconsin hunting. Except this time, there’s no need to bring a weapon. Once you spot a deer, just wave your microchipped hand in the air, and your Deer-o-Meat account will automatically be credited with 5 juicy deer steaks, available for pickup at your local gas station, and your Instagram will immediately post a realistically photoshopped image of you crouching in front of a dead deer, antlers in hand. It’ll be just like the real deal, except not at all.
Instead of fumbling in your pocket for brat money, just swipe a microchipped hand in front of the pimply teenager under the tent and the expense will be added to your Super-Tech Summerfest Micro Account. Tired of listening to bands you hate while waiting for Paul Simon to show up? Just install some microchip ear implants. The microchip reads your brain waves and detects discomfort at particular sounds. It will automatically mute that mediocre proto-punk noise rock band, so you can enjoy your drink in peace until it’s time for music you really want to hear. (Unless it glitches out and bursts your eardrums, but that’s a risk you must be willing to take.)
Those are just a few of the exciting possibilities Wisconsin could see in the microchip future. But for now, let’s be content with our vending machine company employees being able to use the copier with a bio-implant, and leave the crazy innovation for later.