An open letter to those who can't see our state's splendor.
Let’s get this out in the open: we’ve had a couple Millers and maybe an Old Fashioned or three, and we’re not what you would call “pleased.”
We’re not (only) mad about how you ranked Wisconsin the 15th most fun state in the country. (You know, the Waterpark Capital of the World? Home to the Mars Cheese Castle and the world’s only polka escalator? Where the typewriter was invented, where the first ice cream sundae was had, where you can get Kringle? Where Milwaukee can be found? Yeah, that Wisconsin.)
We’re more mad about who we lost to.
Most egregious, we’re ranked behind Illinois, which somehow scored the No. 5 spot. Excuse us, what? Yeah, yeah, Chicago has a cool-looking bean and pretty good “pizza,” we get it. But does Illinois have 820 miles of coastline? Doesn’t Illinois have four governors currently behind bars (not the good kind of bar)? Isn’t Illinois the home of the far inferior Chicago Bears? Was Illinois the longtime home of Harry Houdini? No, that last honor goes to The Badger State. Wisconsin=magical, Illinois=the third-flattest state in the union.
Next up: We also lost to Ohio. OHIO! This state is 75 percent vowels, mind you. (To be fair, so is Iowa, but that corny place only ranked 29th, and we don’t want to punch down.) Wisconsin is named after some giant ice glaciers, pretty bada$$. Ohio is named after a big river, pretty lame. And sure, the Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall of Fame is kind of cool (and features WISCONSIN-born Les Paul and Steve Miller), and the Cinncinati Reds keep losing to the Brewers (which we appreciate), but Wisconsin has Madison (the U.S. city with the fourth-most music venues per capita) and the Green Bay Packers (duh). We win, again.
Also, you ranked us to 22nd overall for “Entertainment & Recreation.” Apparently you weren’t aware that Wisconsin has approximately 5,000 more lakes than 10th place Minnesota. Apparently you guys bought into the hype, don’cha know.
You got one ranking right at least. Wisconsin is ahead of Michigan, which came in at No. 16, a score that seems more than justified. Thanks for sharing the lake, guys. Can we have the UP back anytime soon?
Now, WalletHub, buddy, we’re sure there were some tough decisions to be made here. Like, thanks for keeping us out of the bottom three with West Virginia, Mississippi and Delaware. There might’ve been a dairy-based uprising if you’d done that. And we earned the covered No. 2 spot for “Nightlife” — we probably have Schlitz, Blatz and Pabst to thank for that.
But, like, c’mon. Come visit. You ever been to Summerfest? It’s a blast. You ever kayak around the Apostle Islands? It’s gorgeous.
In short, we’re better than 15th.
So, when 2019 comes around, we better be top 10, or else we’ll come after you like Reggie White did to Drew Bledsoe three times in Super Bowl XXXI.
Every single resident of Wisconsin