Here’s What You Missed in Wisconsin This Week: May 6

Donald Driver, a K9 Task Force, Steve Martin, Martin Short and more

Frozen Booze at the Deer District

I like my booze like I like my interpersonal relationships – cold. So I’m pretty pumped, because the Deer District just announced that a new frozen cocktail bar, Fat Tuesday, will be opening there this summer. The announcement was made, in part, by Alex Macedo, the Chief Daiquiri Officer at Fat Tuesday. This begs the question – why haven’t we all made up new job titles for ourselves? Chief Executive Officer? Boring. Customer Services Manager? Someone get the smelling salts. How about Chief Officer of Keeping That Gucci Sauce Spicy? Or Executive Vice President of Rolling Stone Cold Swagger. Maybe just Big Shrimpy? What a fantastic idea. Forget Managing Editor. From now, I would like to be referred to as Archer Parquette, The Mongoose King of Milwaukee Magazine.

HAWS’ K9 Task Force

Waukesha’s Humane Animals Welfare Society is launching a K9 Task Force. The pandemic has led to dogs staying longer in HAWS shelters, and the new task force’s goal is to reduce these long-term stay dogs’ stress levels by creating individualized enrichment plans. This sounds like a fantastic program, and I’m glad that HAWS is bettering the lives of the dogs in its care. But I will admit the slightest disappointment when I learned that K9 Task Force was not an elite squadron of highly trained canines that would be sent on top secret missions across the globe to protect the American people from our enemies. I can already picture it now:

“This is Very Good Boy One. I’m in position. Over.” “Mr. Snuffles in position. Waiting on signal from Karl Barx.” “Barx here. Perimeter clear. Move in. Time to make your humans proud, boys.” “MOVEMENT ON THE LEFT FLANK. MOVEMENT ON THE LEFT FLANK. IT’S A SQUIRREL. OH MY GOD IT’S A SQUIRREL.” “A SQUIRREL? ARE YOU SERIOUS? WHERE?” “GET IT. GET THAT SQUIRREL.” “EVERY DOG FOR HIMSELF!”

Donald Driver Promotes Literacy

Donald Driver, legendary Packer, “Dancing with the Stars” champion and all-around awesome dude, came to Milwaukee this week to read to elementary school students at St. Augustine Preparatory Academy, Victory K8 and Milwaukee Italian Immersion School as part of SHARP Literacy’s 25th anniversary programs. The Donald Driver Foundation and Network health also donated 5,000 books to students for summer reading. Man, you gotta love Driver.

Now, you may have read that he was coming to town and thought, “Donald Driver? He’s one of the best Packers of all time, and I want him to be my friend. I’m still fairly young-looking. I should wear a brightly colored T-shirt, baseball cap, and a backpack and go to this event and talk in a very high-pitched voice and say, “Hi, my name is Bobby. I’m a child and I would like Donald Driver to hang out with me tonight.” Then Donald will hang out with me, and we will become close buddies and eventually I will reveal that I am in fact not a child, but an adult man, and he won’t care because we’re such close companions at this point that our friendship supersedes everything.” And that would have been a great idea – genius level, even – but it turns out security at this reading thing was pretty good. In other news, I have a court date next week so probably won’t be able to write this column.

Being Best Friends With Steve Martin and Martin Short

The other week I logged onto a Zoom call with Steve Martin and Martin Short. I spoke to them about their upcoming Milwaukee show, their Hulu series, the pandemic and more. The interview lasted the allotted 10 minutes before they left for their next one, and then I wrote up the Q&A for this website.

So yes, we’re basically lifelong friends now, Steve, Martin and I. Forget Chevy Chase, we’re the new three amigos. Any of you want free tickets to a show? Just ask. I’ll call the homies and hook you up. I don’t have their phone numbers right now, but I’m sure they’ll send them over soon – I’m just going to email them again. I’ve emailed a few dozen times now … must be on vacation or something. 


 

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Reckless Driving

It’s absurd. And dangerous. And getting worse. This week, Mayor Cavalier Johnson and Police Chief Jeffrey Norman announced that the city is going to start towing unregistered vehicles that engage in reckless driving. We also published a story recently by Tea Krulos digging into the ongoing problem – specifically the terrifying maneuver known as the “Milwaukee Slide.” It’s worth the read if you have a car, or if you don’t have a car, or really are a human anywhere near Milwaukee and like maintaining the integrity of your bones because these drivers are out of control.

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Archer is the managing editor at Milwaukee Magazine. Some say he is a great warrior and prophet, a man of boundless sight in a world gone blind, a denizen of truth and goodness, a beacon of hope shining bright in this dark world. Others say he smells like cheese.