A New Concert Series Kicks Off at the Public Market
This week, a man was walking down Water Street. His name was Bill. As he approached the Public Market, he stopped, hearing music in the air.
“Is that music in the air?” Bill said.
“Yes,” said Tammy, who was a woman who was walking behind Bill.
“Who are you?” Bill said.
“I am Tammy. I am a woman who was walking behind you. I am going to the Public Market’s new concert series. The first one is being held today, June 21, and the rest will be held on July 19, Aug. 9, Aug. 23 and Sept. 13 from 6-8 p.m. Admission is free. There will be plenty of talented local performers. Do you wish to join me, Bill?”
“Yes. I do, Tammy.”
“Fun. Perhaps we will kindle a romance that will last for years to come and bring us great happiness.”
And they did.
Our Summer Sale
Well, hey there, folks. It’s me Johnny Muffins back with an amazing, limited-time deal!
Not really. It’s not actually Johnny Muffins. It’s just me. My name’s Archer. I work at Milwaukee Magazine, which you’re reading right now, and I wanted to let you know that we’re selling subscriptions half off until the end of June, at the link here. I’ve also just now decided to extend my own special deal, the Archer Sizzle Special. If you subscribe, I’ll name a character after you in my latest romance novel, My Soul Is Broken Down, and Your Love is AAA. My last one, Tender is the Pudding: A Retirement Community Tale of Passion was an international bestseller in the women age 68 who live in Elm Grove and are named Barbara demographic.
Scooters Are Coming Back Yet Again
I feel as though I’ve written about dockless electric scooters in Milwaukee multiple times before. Oh, yeah, that’s because I have. They keep coming back and going away and coming back and going away and coming back again. Well, now the Common Council authorized a third pilot study for the rentable scooters through 2023, so there will be more of those scooters zooming around Milwaukee, which…
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Scooters Are Coming Back Yet Again (Continued)
…is kind of annoying. What with people riding them on sidewalks and leaving them all over the place. The new program is instituting fees to prevent that kind of stuff. Hopefully they work.
Nearly Record High Temperatures
This week was as hot as that place Sister Theresa said I was going for not doing my math homework. On Tuesday, the city hit 100 degrees. That put us dang near Milwaukee’s June 21, 1988 record temperature of 101 degrees. It was so hot that the pavement on the interstate buckled and broke, closing multiple lanes.
Amano Pan Is Leaving 3rd Street Market Hall
If you’re a person who likes bread, than I have bad news. Amano Pan’s last day 3rd Street Market Hall is July 3rd. Edgar Cuarezma, the man behind the specialty breakmaker, says he’s considering next steps for the business. This place has the best bread out there. And that’s not me saying that (I eat cold beans straight out the can; don’t listen to my culinary opinions) – that opinion comes straight from our food critic Ann Christenson, who has sampled the best cuisine our city has to offer and says Amano Pan’s bread is phenomenal. So you should grab a slice while you still can and support the place during its next steps.
A Bear Breaks Into a Wisconsin Vacation Home
This week, a family was enjoying a vacation up at their Crivitz cabin, when a bear tore through the screen door and broke in. The bear ransacked the kitchen for food, scared the whole family away, and then barricaded himself in the bathroom until someone forced him out.
Sounds like my cousin Ricky at the last family reunion.
Don’t worry, folks. That was a just a joke. We don’t have family reunions.
Failing At Crosswords and Questioning Your Purpose
Two Wisconsinites – Sean Weitner and JM Rasmus – created a cryptic crossword based on Summerfest. If you don’t know what a cryptic crossword puzzle is, it’s essentially a crossword puzzle designed with the goal of causing people who try to solve it to brutally bash their heads against walls. The clues use riddles and wordplay instead of straightforward prompts like a normal crossword. My puzzle-solving skills peaked with: Little Tyke’s First Word Search Volume 3, but when I found this puzzle I was determined to solve it.
I did not solve it.
It hurt my mind and left me reeling. When I finally gave up, I backed away from computer, my limbs stiff, and my heart broken. I’m supposed to be a grown man, a professional, and I can’t even figure out some stinking cryptic crossword. I’m such a fraud. And did I really just spend seven straight hours trying to do a puzzle? What am I trying to accomplish here? What are puzzles anyway? Just a way to make us feel better, give us something to do to stimulate our evolution-warped brains. Isn’t that all anything is when you think about? Food, drink, friendship, love. Just a series of distractions as we tick away day-after-day toward death. Oh God, I shouldn’t have done this. Everything’s falling apart. I need to drink some water, or maybe go to church. I don’t know. This is a disaster. Column over, column over right now. See you next week.