Here’s What You Missed in Milwaukee This Week: Oct. 22

Snow plow driver shortages, vampires, John Carpenter and more.

The MSO is Back

After a year-and-a-half away, the Milwaukee Symphony Orchestra opened its new season in person at the new Bradley Symphony Center this month. Last weekend, the ensemble, led by Ken-David Masur, performed Rachmaninoff’s Symphonic Dances, among other pieces. I’m ecstatic to finally see the Symphony Orchestra return, not just because culture is cool, but because it’s always my go-to first date spot. I’ve found that women appreciate a man of culture. That’s why I always put on an English accent. Also, why I wear an ascot. Plus, it’s the perfect spot for my favorite pickup line: “Well, darling, now that we’ve enjoyed the toccata and fugue, why don’t we go Bach to my place?”

I’m very alone.

MSO’s Bradley Symphony Center; Photo by Scott Paulus

A New Cafe at 88Nine Radio Milwaukee

Last year, the Stone Creek that used to be on the first floor of 88Nine Radio Milwaukee closed down. I’d only been there twice, but I felt a kinship for the place. That was where I went for coffee with my supervisor on the last day of my summer internship at Milwaukee Magazine. And then three years later, it was where I went to interview a source my first week back at the magazine as the managing editor. My time working here felt tied directly to that place. But more importantly – both times I was there, I saw the same freaking guy with glasses and a stupid mustache typing aggressively on his laptop. Did he go there every day? How much time did he spent in that place? Did he have a job? What was he writing: slam poetry? The next great American novel? A polite but firm email demanding more money from his mom? I thought the mystery of moustache man died with Stone Creek’s 88Nine location, but now that 88Nine announced the building of a new, renovated café in the spot, maybe there’s still hope that one day I’ll figure that guy out.

Rendering courtesy of The Kubala Washatko Architects

Longer Work Hours for Teenagers

This week, the state senate passed a bill that would allow teenagers to work later hours. Instead of the current law, stopping work at 7 p.m. during the school year and 9 p.m. during the summer, this would extend hours to 9:30 p.m. on school nights and 11 p.m. on others. I’m all for it. Not because I’ve read up on the issue or consulted both sides or really even thought about it for more than a few seconds, but because teenagers scare me and I want them stopped. More time at work means less time making jokes I don’t understand and reminding me of my rapidly fading youth. Maybe working long hours will finally get them off the social medias. Tik Tok? Pffffffft. Back in my day, the only tik tok we had was on the clock but the party don’t stop, no, oh, whoa, whoa-oh, oh, whoa, whoa-oh.

John Carpenter is a Bucks Fan

On Tuesday, John Carpenter, the legendary movie director, tweeted out his support for the Bucks one of his “favorite teams.” Back in the ‘70s, Carpenter’s movies essentially redefined the entire horror genre. Everyone loves Halloween and The Thing, but his real masterpiece is They Live. Yuppie elite across America are secretly aliens intent on exploiting and subduing humanity through manipulative, hypnotic messages hidden in the media.

What a wild and crazy premise! 

 

 

Snow Plow Driver Shortage

The Department of Public Works is struggling to find snow plow drivers. There are roughly 85 vacant spots out of 350 total positions (about 25%). Alderman Robert Bauman spoke about the issue at a meeting of the Common Council’s Public Works Committee this week, where he said, “That scares the hell out of me.” But look on the bright side. If there are no drivers, then no one can plow a giant pile of snow into your freshly shoveled driveway

Milwaukee is the 17th Best City for Vampires

We messed up, guys. For real. This isn’t like rapidly rising crime rates or whatever – we’re in serious trouble here. A study by Lawn Love found that Milwaukee is the 17th best city for vampires in the whole nation. Do you know how many cities there are in America? 19,495. I googled it. We’re in the top .09% of vampire-friendliness, man. Once the vampires tear through 1-16, we’re next, and we have to be prepared. First things first, we need crosses, and lots of them. Thankfully, me and my homie Niles were planning on starting a pseudo-Christian death cult, so we have a huge supply that we can distribute. Then we need stakes. Mayor Barrett needs to declare a state of emergency and requisition all fence posts for the good of the city. We’ll be paying $20 an hour for fence-sharpeners. Then, garlic. Everyone laughed at me for keeping two cloves under my armpits at all times, but who’s laughing now? No one (mostly because no one will get within ten feet of me anymore). It’s not too late. We can still save this city from these undead demon spawn. But of course, we do have to prepare for the possibility of apocalypse. There will be matters of mass re-population to discuss, and I am willing to volunteer myself as … wait, hold on … I’m actually reading the article now, and it looks like the study was sort of a joke. Ok. I see. Well, um, I was joking too. Of course.

I’m going to go now. Bye-bye.

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Archer is the managing editor at Milwaukee Magazine. Some say he is a great warrior and prophet, a man of boundless sight in a world gone blind, a denizen of truth and goodness, a beacon of hope shining bright in this dark world. Others say he smells like cheese.