Here’s What You Missed in Milwaukee This Week: Dec. 3

Bowling, fudge, Kwik Trip, etc.

Stone Cold Gangster Bowls 900

In November, a man who goes by the name Cody Schmitt stepped up to the lane, bright red bowling ball in hand, and flung that baby with all his heart. Pins exploded, angels wept, and the little screen above the alley marked down that Cody Schmitt, Elkhart Lake’s proudest son, had just bowled a perfect 900 series. His three perfect games in a row were certified by the United States Bowling Congress. (It’s like the regular U.S. Congress, except occasionally useful). This makes him the 38th person to ever roll that score, and only the fourth Wisconsinite.

The Third Ward Might Be Getting a New Concert Complex

This week, FPC Live, a Madison-based venue operations company, announced plans to open a 4000-seat theater complex next to the Summerfest grounds. If everything goes according to plan, construction will start early next year and the joint will open after Summerfest 2023. I for one am thrilled. There just aren’t enough opportunities for a soulful keytar player in this close-minded city, and frankly I think this new operation might just give me my big break. Link here to buy my new album, My Heart is on Fire and Your Love is a Tums.

O&H Rolls Out the “Ohhhh Fudge” Flavor

Kringle kingpin, O&H Danish Bakery unveiled its new Christmas flavor, “Ohhhh fudge,” this week. The limited-time fudge-filled Kringle is based on the movie “A Christmas Story” – the part where the kid says “ohhhh fudge,” but that’s not really what he says. Really he says a different word, a word I’m not allowed to print because this is a family publication, so I’ll have to get real clever with you. It’s a word that looks a little like “f—” but if the three dashes were the 21st, 3rd and 11th letters of the alphabet. You get me? Fun uncles calling Kathy, am I right? Like “full” and “lick” got together a made a word baby that shared exactly half of each of their genetic material? You picking up what I’m putting down here?

Crazy West Allis Drivers Could Face Up to A $10,000 Fine

Do you like to drive like an insane person? Well not anymore, bucko. At least not on the streets of West Allis, where reckless driving could now get you fined $10,000 dollars. The new initiative charges reckless drivers under a different state statute, which would raise the maximum fine from the current $200 to $10,000. City administrators and the West Allis Police Department are hoping it will curb the rise in dangerous driving.

Now, I know exactly what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, ‘But Archer, I’m a billionaire tech titan. I drop $10,000 on my foot fungus creams like it’s nothing. You think this paltry fine will stop me from whipping 120 in my Lambo straight menacing West Allis all day?”

And to that I say, “Shut up, Bill. Why do you even read these columns anyway?”

And you say, “Because I’m watching you, Archer. We all are. One day, we’ll come for you, and you’ll see the wonders that await on the other side.”

And I say, “What?”

And you say, “Have you ever seen Eyes Wide Shut?”

And I back away quickly.

Kwik Trip Won’t Let You Pump and Pay Anymore Because the Only Language the Brutal Understand is Brutality

For years, a fella could head to his favorite Kwik Trip, pump a little gas, and then stroll inside to pay. It was the way of the world. That time is over. We live in a darker age now. An age where thieves and miscreants would pump their Kwik Trip gas and drive off without paying, forcing Kwik Trip employees to keep watch over the pumps like vigilante crimefighters, when they were meant to be providing the excellent customer service they are known for. And so this week, Kwik Trip announced that starting Jan. 3, you have no choice but to swipe your card or pre-pay inside. Some might say, “Literally every other gas station does that. It’s not a big deal.” But those some know nothing of the degradations of man. They see not the crumbling of goodwill, the rending of social fabric, the gross, smelly copulating of vice and avarice. The fall of Kwik Trip’s trusting ways portends dark days ahead, my followers, dark days indeed.

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Archer is the managing editor at Milwaukee Magazine. Some say he is a great warrior and prophet, a man of boundless sight in a world gone blind, a denizen of truth and goodness, a beacon of hope shining bright in this dark world. Others say he smells like cheese.