In the four months that our daughter has been on the planet, I have yet to grasp the nuance of handing her off to others. The fact is, some people like to hold babies, other people would rather hold a staph-infected scorpion. And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.
I’m not that far removed from a time where I wanted nothing to do with babies. To me, they were squirmy, stinky, wriggling proto-humans, and the downside to dropping them far outweighed the benefit of holding them.
Then there are those who live to hold babies, and clutch them like they’re desperately absorbing their essence and innocence with every passing second. While they coo and moan in ecstasy like maternal vampires, I half expect to see my daughter collapse like a juice box.
Knowing the difference between the two is a crucial part of the social contract. A gaffe in either direction (foisting a baby on an unwilling recipient or withholding a baby from child-hungry arms) is bad parental form, but it’s not like either side is announcing their preference.
In the interest of universal happiness, I’d like to propose the following: If you’d like to hold my baby, I’m more than willing to oblige you. You need only say: “May I hold her?” and unless you have open, running sores or are pushing a shopping cart more than five blocks away from a store, she’s yours.
Conversely, if holding my daughter (or babies in general) is repugnant to you, I understand. Feel free to announce this early on in our interaction. A typical conversation might go like this:
“Hey, Dylan.”
“Hiya, Gary.”
“Your daughter is very cute, but I prefer to enjoy her from a distance, and in no way want to make physical contact with her.”
“Sounds good, Gary. Beer?”
And as a sub-rule for those who do want to hold her, if she begins to fidget or cry, and I offer to take her back, it is not meant as a commentary on your abilities as a baby holder. I am merely providing an option.
I accept the notion that, even if you like the idea of holding my baby, there are several potential “deal breakers” like crying, vomiting or pooping. I am not of the opinion that, by agreeing to hold her, you are entering into a sort of lease dictating that you are to maintain contact and custody for a set amount of time. You are, of course, free to put her down at anytime; I would prefer that involve handing her back to me and, as such, I am simply making myself available.
I hope this was helpful; I know it was for me. And I’m confident that, by applying these simple rules, together, we can safely and comfortably enjoy the presence of my daughter in myriad social situations.
