The Transitional Sunday Boyfriend is the guy who comes into your life when you need him and then the relationship ends. That may sound harsh. And if you aren’t in a mature place to recognize the purpose and meaning of what this relationship is, then it can be just that…harsh. But if you are able to take the relationship for what it’s worth, both during and after it’s over, then you can take comfort knowing you are the kind of person that isn’t afraid to take chances. You’ve got guts. And that, my friends, is powerful stuff.
So what’s the secret to seeing the value of the Transitional Sunday Boyfriend and keeping perspective? How do you get to the place of feeling both comfortable and confident that you are getting what you need at the moment, but it could end tomorrow? The answer: wisdom.
That one little word, wisdom, may seem like a simple answer but it’s packed with meaning. When I say wisdom is the answer, I’m really saying it’s only until you take the time to really acknowledge some of your life truths that you are able to appreciate a Transitional Sunday Boyfriend, and any relationship for that matter.
Let’s go through some analogies…
A good friend of mine and I had a discussion about the people we choose to have on our boats. You know, in the scenario of the Titanic going down and we are in charge of our own life boats, who would you choose to have in your boat? The bottom line was the people in our boats are the people we trust the most; the people who have always been there for us and we are willing to do/be the same for them. Sometimes we have people in our lives that once they are in our boat, they are always in our boat. This is how I feel about my significant other and some of my closest friends, including some of my Sunday Boyfriends. We may have disagreements, but these are the people who have not only proven they want to work out those differences with you, but have also done this on a regular basis. I don’t want to get all corny and say it’s the Love Boat, but if I did, I’d hope Issac is in my boat (not just because he can pour a mean mixed drink, but because he was my favorite character on that show).
Next is the group of people on our boats I call Floaters; sometimes they are in the boat, and sometimes they are floating along side of it. These are the people who care about you, and you care about them, but there was some moment in your relationship where either they, or you, created the kind of disappointment that left a scar of distrust. Forgiveness and acceptance are what keep them around your boat, but caution keeps them (or you) from a permanent seat. These could be family members or ex-boyfriends; people who you care about and like to be around, but recognize there are enough personality differences to exercise caution.
Next is the group of people who randomly swim by your boat: The Swim-bys; these are the people who have no interest being in your boat. They are perfectly fine and happy in the water. But they are the folks who will offer another life jacket if you need it. This is where Transitional Sunday Boyfriends are…and should stay. They are nice people who come into your life at a certain point, see you need care and offer it, but have no interest in developing a relationship any further than in that moment. And there is nothing wrong with letting a Swim-by, a Transitional Sunday Boyfriend, help you when you need it. Understanding not every relationship will last, or is meant to last, can help you temper expectations and better identify the people who not only offer help, but really want to be a permanent member on your boat.
This whole idea of Transitional SBs is on my mind because I recently saw one of my life’s Transitional Sunday Boyfriends after nearly 10 years. I saw him; he didn’t see me. It was surreal. He looked different. He looked older. It was so off putting that I had one of those RCA dog moments of tilting my head and saying to myself…”say what now?” as I stared at him. In my mind, I kept him the same as we first met, so to see him in the here and now was just, well, strange.
Back when I needed my Transitional SB, we worked together. We were in different departments, but interacted enough in stressful situations to get to know one another. We were both going through hard break ups and found ourselves in the unique position of helping one another through the loneliness. This is a perfect example of a Swim-by. Neither of us were in good places to have a full-blown relationship, but we cared enough to give each other a life jacket. We talked about what we would be for each other at the start of the relationship. But somewhere along the way, communication was crossed and that lead to the end being less than what I wanted. I fully admit to you here and now that I was the least graceful person when it ended. What makes it even more cringing to think about, is that in the beginning, I remember asking him, or rather begging him, to promise that whatever happens, to remain friends at the end of the day…as you can tell, I didn’t live up to that promise.
And as years went by, every time I had a memory of our time together, I would beat myself up. Not because I regret our time together, because we both gave things that the other needed, but rather I cringe at my behavior at the end. I regret the things I said more than I was able to fully tell myself. Seeing myself in hindsight, I was ugly. So after years of this unhealthy behavior, I wanted to change the cringing and stop beating myself up for something in my past. So what could I do to turn this around? The answer was to apologize. I debated if there would be any value of apologizing for my behavior, years after what was supposed to be a Transitional SB relationship. But I came to the conclusion that the apology wasn’t really for him, it was for me. It didn’t matter if he accepted it or responded to it. It was important for my healing. So I got my big girl pants on and sent an email. Yep. Another moment of sending an email to someone out-of-the-blue. I apologized. I told him I wasn’t expecting, or needed to hear anything in return. It was an “out” I was totally fine with offering.
Then the unexpected happened…I received a reply.
Now again, it took years for me to get to a place of taking responsibility and finding the benefits of apologizing. I was really fine with not hearing back. This isn’t lip service. I put the apology out in the universe and realized that was the start of healing and growing. So hearing back was surprising. Not because I thought he was the kind of person that wouldn’t, but because I got to the place of being at peace with the idea of not getting a response back, that it was a foregone conclusion for me.
It was short and sweet. His words were kind as he also apologized. He ended by thanking me and saying my note meant a great deal to him. This small act confirmed he was a good Transitional SB. I will always be thankful for this conversation; for this closure; for the life jacket he gave me years earlier. But to see him last week was difficult. Even after this closure and now being in a great place with my significant other, seeing my Transitional SB brought back sad memories of not only our time together, but the events that lead to our relationship. And I suppose that is one of the blessings of the Transitional SB or the Swim-bys in your life; that they are there in the moments you need help to get you to better things, but leave so you aren’t reminded of the dark times when you found them. That’s the wisdom.
At the end of the day, the one thing I want you to remember, is that it’s your boat and you are the one who determines who is on it, who is floating along side, and who is swimming by. No two boats are the same. No one boat is better than another. All that matters is you’re able to steer the boat in the direction you want and surround yourself with people who can help row, or push, your boat when you need them.
Here’s hoping all your boats are overflowing with, and surrounded by, great people.
Until next time, stay comfy and be good to yourself and all your Sunday Boyfriends.
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