The Year in Sports

The Year in Sports

Recent studies show that the most Americans have an average memory span of… well, I forgot exactly how many months. And I forgot who did the studies, or just how recent they were. But I’m pretty sure it made us all look bad. After all, why else would some guy named Harry Lorayne and his Einstein Jr. look be cashing in by teaching people how to remember things. So as a public service to our fellow countrymen, and to save you the $50 bucks that Harry’s system costs, we here at Sports Nut Central present a list of 2007’s truly…

Recent studies show that the most Americans have an average memory span of… well, I forgot exactly how many months. And I forgot who did the studies, or just how recent they were. But I’m pretty sure it made us all look bad. After all, why else would some guy named Harry Lorayne and his Einstein Jr. look be cashing in by teaching people how to remember things.

So as a public service to our fellow countrymen, and to save you the $50 bucks that Harry’s system costs, we here at Sports Nut Central present a list of 2007’s truly memorable sports moments. That’s right, we remember so you don’t have to. Think of it as one more thing to cross off your end-of-year to-do list. Unless, of course, you forgot to make one out.

Oh, and no, it’s not necessarily in chronological order. Those details were just too hard to remember.

1. Brett Favre announces that, at some point during the year, he’ll announce just exactly when he’ll announce whether or not he’ll announce whether or not he’s retiring. ESPN vows round-the-clock coverage on each and every such announcement.

2. Florida wins a second consecutive NCAA Men’s Basketball championship, much to the chagrin of office pool participant Larry “Stone Cold Lock” Lightwallet, who “just had a feeling about Niagara.”

3. The San Antonio Spurs win the NBA Championship. A few people even watch them do it.

4. The Anaheim Mighty Ducks win the NHL’s Stanley Cup. Absolutely nobody watches them do it. Disney executives, upset this development harms prospects for D4: This Time, It’s Pucks, think ESPN should look into airing NHL games again..

5. The Milwaukee Brewers begin the season with a 24-10 record, the best mark in all of baseball, and appear shoe-ins to win the NL Central. Hell, to the surprise of many, remains decidedly unfrozen.

6. Milwaukee’s bid to land a Major League Soccer team ends, meaning local “footy” fans won’t get to see the Los Angeles Galaxy and its newest, biggest star – Victoria “Posh Spice” Beckham. Oh, or that David guy, either.

7. Michael Vick writes about his love of dogs. Well, just so long as they win. Otherwise…

8. Despite the efforts of NL MVP candidate Prince Fielder and NL Rookie of the Year Ryan Braun, the Milwaukee Brewers go 34-40 after the All-Star break, not quite the best in the majors. So the hated Chicago Cubs win the NL Central, extending Milwaukee’s playoff drought to 25 years. But the Cubs don’t exactly win the World Series, keeping Hell an icicle-free zone.

9. The Green Bay Packers, buoyed by the not-yet-retired-but-check-again-next-year Brett Favre, tie the winningest regular season in franchise history with a 13-3 record. ESPN’s Chris Berman celebrates by trying out a new nickname – Brett “We love you near and” Favre. ESPN execs respond by asking Berman to cover mountain goat herding in Nepal.

10. The New England Patriots, caught cheating at the start of the year, finish the regular season 16-0 amidst rumors that head coach Bill Belichick actually cracked a smile. In a related story, Tom Brady is romantically linked with the entire lineup from Sports Illustrated’s Swimsuit Issue.

11. Milwaukee Bucks owner Sen. Herb Kohl travels to China to secure the services of newest draftee Yi Jianlian. He returns not only with a signed contract for Yi, but also bargain distribution deals for toothpaste, animal feed and Dora the Explorer dolls.

12. And finally, baseball can’t escape its ongoing steroids scandal, as Barry Bonds breaks Hank Aaron’s all-time home run record shortly before being named in the Mitchell Report. Other Mitchell Report names include Roger Clemens (who bravely sends his lawyer to deny it), new Brewers’ $10 million closer Eric Gagne (who bravely no-comments it) and the beloved Phillie Phanatic mascot, who tearfully admits that his unusually large nose-like thingy is actually a side effect of chronic juicing.

Happy New Year to everyone. Yes, even to Barry Bonds.

Check out my upcoming radio segments with Doug Russell and Mike Wickett WSSP-AM SportsRadio 1250 and Mitch Teich on WUWM’s Lake Effect. And make time for our Bar Time column.

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