Dear Nikol,
It all started a few months ago when I went out of town for an interview and changed my location on this dating/blogging site I frequent to the city I was interviewing in rather than the city I actually live.
I got a friendly note from “Susan” wishing me luck, and noticing that I’d changed my location. A few e-mail exchanges later and she asked if I needed a ride from the airport when I got back – I passed because I drove myself there.
Yeah, that sounds a wee bit crazy. For all she knows I might be some madman intent on committing rapemurderkill. But, hey, that’s not nearly as crazy as some of the women I’ve ended up dating. From a different viewpoint, she’s simply a giving woman who wanted to get to know me better.
I asked her out for dinner the next week and we had a nice time. We got together again a couple of days later to see a movie and I helped her paint the next day, because she was trying to fix up her house in order to sell it.
At this point, I discussed her with some of my imaginary friends on the Internets – who happen to be women, if that matters – and they said that she was using me. I protested, and asked how she could have known that I would volunteer to help paint her house. They said because that’s just the kind of guy I am.
If I got used, then how does that explain that there was mutually hot sex that went along with it? The following week she came down with a nasty yeast infection and a bacterial infection to go along with it. I’ve seen her weekly since then, with one overnight visit and no more sex. She’s been somewhat affectionate when we’ve seen each other, some spontaneous caresses and hugs, but her infections have been slow to recover. I don’t see this situation changing anytime soon.
She’s feeling stressed by money. As you might imagine, her house isn’t selling and her last kid turned 18, which meant an end of the child-support money that was helping to bridge the gap. Complicating the issue is that she’s dependent on sleeping aids (which seems to be epidemic) and is taking anti-depressants. The latter doesn’t bother me, but she’s been fiddling with the dose, recently upping it after she decided that she was too cranky.
I see that there’s potential with her, assuming that the current problems are short-term. We haven’t spent enough time together to get attached, so at least I’m not heart-broken. In the meanwhile, I’m feeling affection-starved and lonely. I don’t know if she’s somehow unhappy with me or if her current problems are just getting the better of her.
– AS&L
Dear AS& L,
How about a new take on an old problem? I’m sure that most of your friends, online or otherwise, will tell you that this woman is using you. And truthfully, she is using you in that she’s allowing you to help her and be supportive of her in some ways. You had a weekend of hot sex, but beyond that, you must be getting something out of your sexless relationship or you wouldn’t keep going back. That must mean you’re using her, too.
Wow. I guess we all kind of use each other for something. I have friends I know will always be awake at 2 a.m., family members I know I can call if the kids need to be picked up from school. There are people who call me when they want some blunt but nonjudgmental advice, and people who know they can rely on me to answer trivia questions about 1980s commercials if they happen to be in a heated debate about them.
So, what’s with all the demonizing of being used by a person? It seems that, especially with women, when we rely on another person or even when that person offers help and we accept the help, everyone is quick to call us out on being users. In your specific case, as you already mentioned, you offer the help. She accepts. And so your relationship is formed.
For her part, she has big needs. I’m willing to assume she’s the sort who will always have such needs, who will always have an awful lot going on in her life. People like her take support when they can get it, but they easily burn people out with the constant supply of new things needing help. I am not saying she shouldn’t be accountable for helping herself more, but it doesn’t sound like she’s laying back and letting anyone do the heavy lifting.
For your part, it seems by your presentation of the situation and the fact that you’ve brought it up to your online gal pals that you kind of enjoy being the hero/martyr. Even when you are taking her side, you are sending the message to everyone that you are an amazing guy. I think you are using the relationship to help you feel manly. And you know what? There is nothing wrong with that, so long as you can accept that you have a need to feel that way.
As for the sex, her infection issues are pretty troubling. I don’t know how long it’s been going on, but she really needs to have that looked at. If she’s been in already, she should go back. But if intimacy is something you want more of, you should have a sit down and ask her if you’ve been slotted into the friend zone. Let her know that you care about more than that (assuming you do) and you’ll still be the same supportive you even if she’s not into having sex again (assuming you will). Let her tell you if you have a future as a couple, and work forward from there.
– Nikol
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