There are a couple of things I always hear when talking about Sunday Boyfriend with folks:
1. “Oh, that’s kind of like “Sex in the City,” right?”
2. What does your significant other think of your Sunday Boyfriends?
3. How can I find a Sunday Boyfriend?
Now, each one of these reactions/questions could produce enough material for individual posts. This week, however, I’m looking to tackle something that underscores the answer to number three, “How to find a Sunday Boyfriend.” And the answer is: before you can think about how you can find a Sunday Boyfriend, you need to take the time to figure out why anyone would want to be your Sunday Boyfriend. Or a better way to think of it may be: coming to the conclusion of how you want the world to see you.
A little confusing? All right, let’s dissect…
In this life I’ve found myself within a stone’s throw of messages telling me what I need to be happy. And all the messages come down to the same fact: that without x, y, and z I won’t be happy. Be it a car, a home, pizza toppings, facial cream, or Prince Charming, I won’t achieve happiness without acquiring a long list of “must haves.” For many years I was a firm believer in this marketing malarkey: I worked hard for the car, purchased all the sought-after brands, and stayed too long in the wrong relationships only to find myself feeling unsettled rather than happy. And this, quite frankly, pissed me off. Any of you ever felt this way? I’m sure there have to be a couple of us out there. Because when we continue to inoculate generations of kids with the message: happiness only comes after Prince Charming rescues you, it’s hard to think breaking out of this kind of manipulation would be easy.
So in my case, I listened to and followed all the happiness directions like a good little type-A girl. But at the end of the day I found myself wondering why weren’t any of the things I was told would produce my happily ever after, working? I racked my brain for years trying to figure this out. I accumulated all the stuff. I had relationships. Why wasn’t I happy? What was I missing? I was bound and determined to figure it out.
I mixed it up by changing jobs, changing apartments, changing cities, and changing relationships. And guess what? None of that worked. I was still incredibly unsettled and now more frustrated and further away from being happy. Sound familiar? Then pull up a chair and stick with me…
I thought I’d shift my thinking and instead of working hard at “having it all,” I would focus more on my career. I thought if I focused on succeeding in one area, the rest of life’s happiness would fall into place. So I dove into work, making it my focus and priority. Yessiree…work, work, work. Soon, my identity was so wrapped up into my working title, rather than my living soul, that I manufactured a new sense of happiness and swept all the other areas of my life under the rug. This was a ridiculous way to approach everyday life. And it’s humbling to admit, because what I did was fall into the ol’ cliché of living to work, not working to live. And this, as well all know, doesn’t work.
Still in this working pattern and still feeling unsettled, I had an epiphany one day and quit my job. Yep. Just. Like. That. I quit the job I worked so hard to get; the job that I turned into my sole identity marker. Have you ever had one of these epiphany moments? They are hard to describe, but it’s an overwhelming moment of clarity. I’ve come to think of them as moments when your soul takes over what you need and makes a decision for your better interests. The feeling is calming and factual…as if the light went on and you say to yourself, “well of course that’s the answer, duh!”
After quitting this job, I had several more epiphany moments, but I had to go through a bevy of uncomfortable learning experiences before finally “getting it”—finding a place in my own skin that I liked. My voice. Me. It took a long time to find this settled place, but I am glad I went through the process because the payoff has been amazing. I’m not saying it’s not without challenges…it is life and I’m human after all. And by no means am I saying this was/is easy to do. Nor am I endorsing you quit your job to make this clarity happen. Ah, no. Rather, I want to encourage you to take the time to really examine who you are and who you want to be before you start thinking about wanting/having a Sunday Boyfriend. Because having a Sunday Boyfriend relationship is not for the faint of heart. You really need to know who you are and what you want out of a SB relationship and yourself before you dive into one.
Depending on where you are in life, taking the time to reevaluate and discovering you’re not exactly where you want to be, or showing the world who you really are, can be overwhelming. Believe me, I know this feeling well. It’s scary. It’s humbling. But I promise if you keep going; keep examining; keep questioning until you find some answers that fit you, you’ll discover great things about yourself. Don’t think about what you need to do to find Prince Charming. Think about what you need to do to find you. Shift your thinking from someone else will fulfill your happiness, into making your own happiness. Once you do this, you’ll “get it.”
Kudos to you if you’ve gone through your own self-discovery, are in the process of it, or are about to undertake it. You’ve got guts! And before you know it, you’ll be the light that people gravitate towards and want to be around. This is when you’ll find your Sunday Boyfriends…or rather, they’ll find you. And that’s the secret.
Continue making 2012 your fearless year and dive into the great adventure of finding yourself. It’s one of the best investments you’ll ever make!
As always, be good to yourself, your Sunday Boyfriends, and stay comfy.
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