Dear Nikol,
I hear you are the advice Guru around these parts now. I figured I’d give it a try. If you’re legit then maybe you could help. If this is just some bogus scheme then no skin off my back for trying.
I am in a conflict with myself and have been for some time. At 25-years old and a father of a 7-month-old, I am single and living alone. With the exception of having little time to see my son, and always being a little strapped for cash, I am pretty happy. I don’t want to remain single forever but through my years I have found it exceedingly difficult to remain in a relationship. Things seem to always go wrong. My mother and father split up after 11 years when I was 10-years old and neither of them (until just recently) have had meaningful relationships. Although I love them both dearly, is their erratic relationship behavior the reason for my inability to commit and open myself entirely to a woman??
Also, I loved my son’s mother a great deal, but we split up because we fought like rabid animals (she is 3 years younger than I). I feel almost wrong for seeing other women recently and I feel down right uncomfortable with the idea of other women helping or “assisting in parenting” with my son. Should I be sacrificing everything just to make the relationship with the mother work??
Thanks for your time,
Troubled with Relationships
Dear Troubled,
First I will assure you that there is no bogus scheme underway with the column. I am not trying to get anyone to buy more butter than they need or invest in foreign properties.
It sounds like you already know the root of your trouble with relationships in general. Our parents all seemed to find some way to mess us up. Rest peacefully knowing that now that you are a parent you get that same weight on your shoulders. To quote a very wise cartoon character, “Knowing is half the battle.” The other half is not obsessing. It is doing. You know you have an issue with forming long lasting relationships, so when starting your next relationship keep your eyes open for the same crap you did in the past to sabotage any possibilities of love. Also, keep in mind that there will always be problems in even the most loving of relationships. Not every argument is a tragedy.
Now let’s talk about the dating and parenting balancing act. It can be tough. Not only do you not want all of these people walking in and out of your son’s life, but you are sensitive to your ex’s needs to be a mother and not have that position threatened. You can start by dating women only on nights when your son is away. As you get to know people you will be able to decide if they are the sort who are mature enough to handle the reality of your ex still being the mother of your child and therefore a really important part of your life. You’ll also want to find someone who shares your value system. Our relatives are around to let our kids do all the stuff we don’t agree with. The people we chose to partner with should not be adversarial in this way. Keep things open enough with your ex that the two of you can discuss any feelings either of you have as you make your way through this.
And Trouble, you worry too much. Trust me, that kid will give you plenty of late night high fevers, elementary school calls from the teacher, and high school heart attacks. No need to analyze every move you make. Take a deep breath and you’ll be fine. 2009 is your year. I can feel it.
Nikol
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Questions?
If you have a question for Nikol, you can reach her confidentially at nikolknows@milwaukeemagazine.com. Your anonymity will be protected.
