Dear Nikol, My ex-boyfriend and I broke up after he told me he had feelings for somebody else. Three months later, he is calling me every day. He has a girlfriend that he claims he is only dating for sex and parties. I never answer the phone, and my parents are about to file harrassment […]
My ex-boyfriend and I broke up after he told me he had feelings for somebody else. Three months later, he is calling me every day. He has a girlfriend that he claims he is only dating for sex and parties. I never answer the phone, and my parents are about to file harrassment charges against him. I know he probably just wants sex, but I still love him so much. What do I do?
– Hung Up
Dear Hung Up,
I think you already know the answer to your question: you don’t pick up the phone. You don’t talk to him. You let things fizzle and die the way they should have three months ago. If your parents are really that pissed about it you let them call the police who will most likely just call him or his parents and tell him to knock it off (that usually scares people enough). You could have some long talk with him about how he needs to let you go, but he doesn’t love you so he’ll continue to be selfish in needing you to love him. We all need to be loved.
The question within your question is the one worth looking at. You still love him. How do you stop loving him? Well, you don’t. And that’s hard because as long as he’s still around and still expressing desire for you he is not giving you the chance to let that love become a memory. Even when love is one sided it doesn’t make the feeling less real for the person who feels it.
So what can you do to make that love stop devastating you? The first part of what you need to do is the most painful and that is to walk away completely. Removing him from your life will feel tragic and surgical and seven kinds of awful. And a little piece of that hurt may stay with you for many years to come, but the feeling that you’ve just been whomped in the belly with a brick will subside. Then all you can do is wait and live. You wake up. You go forward with the routine. Then one day when you’re not paying attention you find that your thoughts aren’t filled with the fear of loneliness or never finding anyone again.
Hard as it may be to understand this now, lost loves are a big part of who we are. Within each experience there are memories (hopefully some good, and definitely some bad) and those memories help form the people we become. In order for you to grow as a person you have to find peace with endings. It’s like a book you really dove into, enjoying until the last page. But you cannot make that book grow new pages. That story is over. Passages will stay with you, but there are more books out there that will thrill you again. I promise.
Now use this experience wisely and the next time some jerk-ass boy dumps you, tell him it’d be best if he found a way to lose your phone number.
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