Dear Nikol,
I am really good pals with my ex. We live in different places now, but we still talk all the time. And most of the time it’s cool. But every once in a while he gets shitfaced and starts texting me really inappropriate things.
We were never right for each other sexually, but we always were able to talk. I knew he needed things I didn’t want to give and he wasn’t able to get it up thinking about the stuff I liked. I guess that was why we broke up, but the friendship stayed there.
At first when he’d send the texts it wasn’t a big deal. I knew how he got when he was drinking. I’d roll my eyes and ignore him. But he is married now, and I have a new boyfriend, and so that changes everything. When he’s drunk at 1 a.m. and he starts to text sexual things to me, it really upsets my boyfriend. My boyfriend knows I am not turned on or interested, but he thinks it’s insane that my ex thinks it’s okay to say this stuff, and it disrupts our sleep with new texts coming in every minute.
On top of that, he gets pretty aggressive with the stuff he says. In the morning he is always remorseful and I figured out a looooong time ago not to even reply when he sends those messages, but holy crap! And what if his wife found that stuff?
So what do I do? He’s my friend, and he knows better, but keeps doing this. How do I make it stop?
– Texted By The Ex
Dear TBTE,
I am so looking forward to the day when I can install a breathilizer app on my iPhone that disables my texting after a certain point. Drunk texts are either horrifying or hilarious, but there is no in between and the ratio is very skewed toward the horrifying.
I’m glad you’ve figured out that you shouldn’t reply to him. I don’t know why you haven’t figured out that you should turn your phone off when his nonsense starts. I know we’re all used to having our phones with us 24-7, but for the sake of your sanity and sleep, you may as well power off for the duration of his behavior.
Beyond that, you need to ask yourself how much you value this guy’s friendship. I am 100 percent pro “friends with your ex.” I believe strongly that if you cared for someone, even if you figure out that you aren’t meant to be together, you still shared a life experience and that bond should remain. However, not all exes are created equal.
Your ex, darling as he may be, may be in need of a complete defriending. He has crossed boundaries with you and continued to do so for years. He disrespects his marriage, he disrespects your relationship, and, most importantly, he disrespects your friendship.
If this were a one-time behavior, I’d say just talk to him about it and make it clear that it wasn’t okay. But he knows it isn’t okay. He’s known for a long time. I don’t care how much vodka the man swallows, deep in his head he believes he can get away with saying that crap to you.
I honestly think you need to cut him out of your life for good. I don’t think he’ll stop right away. Not talking to him doesn’t mean he loses your number. But through some hard-core ignoring, he’ll eventually get the picture.
By the way, if there is something amazing you are getting out of your friendship with him, only advice is to really lay into him about how #*@ked up his behavior is and hope it stops. I just highly doubt it ever will.
– Nikol
__________________________________________________
Questions? If you have a question for Nikol, you can reach her confidentially at lovesexetc@milwaukeemagazine.com. Your anonymity will be protected.
