Dear Nikol,
So, I have this boyfriend. We just started dating in November, which is pretty kickass. However, before he had any idea we’d be dating, he applied to a college four hours away. Neither of us can drive so I only get to see him every 1-2 months. I’m alright with long distance and trust and all that so normally this wouldn’t be an issue, buuut he sort of sucks at communicating with me when we’re not physically in the same room. And I don’t mean talking about feelings and crap. I mean just saying “Hi” every day. I can live without the feelings and crap!
I don’t really think I’m asking for much when I suggest that he tries to contact me every day – just a text or two. I don’t even expect to have a conversation every day. But from time to time he’ll go a day and a half or two even without so much as a, “Hey, I’m gonna be busy for the next 48 hours” text. It makes me feel like he doesn’t give a shit. I’ve told him that in passing a couple times. He says he won’t do it again, and of course he does.
It’s a little confusing because whenever we’re together in person everything is fantastic. He gives me his undivided attention and it seems like he genuinely cares. But when he’s away I spend all this time thinking about him and it seems as if he’s just the opposite. I don’t really know how to handle this situation – or if it’s even a situation in the first place and I’m just over-reacting.
I guess my question is: is this worth confronting him over? And if so, how should I go about doing it?
– Feeling Ignored
Dear Ignored,
The word “confront” has gotten a bad rap, hasn’t it? People avoid it, even if it means they could get what they want. Maybe we can change the word to cake. Nobody wants to avoid cake.
So you should cake your new boyfriend. (Now it just sounds like some weird sexual thing.) You should confront your new boyfriend about how important it is to your budding relationship that you have at least daily contact in some form or another. It takes 10 seconds to send a “thinking of you” text message, and that really isn’t a lot to ask.
However, I’m not very sure that this contact will be enough for you. If you spend all of your time thinking about him, and he’s living la vida college, that can quickly lead to the kind of obsession where you wonder what he’s doing, who he’s with, and why he’s not calling you every night with a full update.
Anytime our lives head in a new direction with new people, new experiences, and a new zip code, we naturally have to either become absorbed in the newness or stay stuck in what we’ve left behind. I’m not saying that by continuing to be with you he would be staying stuck, but for the sake of his own mental health, he does need to become a part of his new environment.
We don’t get to choose our timing in meeting really great people, which is too bad because it often leads to realizing how damn unfair everything is. But we can make a choice about how we deal with that unfairness. It might be best to relax for a while, and see the terms of your coupledom differently. If it’s possible, set him free a bit. Enjoy the time you have together when you can, but step back and start allowing yourself more of a social life, thinking of him as someone you are dating instead of your boyfriend.
Then again, the best way to deal with all of this is to have one of those big, long talks about it. Only if you get him to open his mouth fully on his thoughts and if he’s even capable of daily communication can you determine the best way to move forward.
– Nikol
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