Dear Nikol,
I was scrolling through some Internet sites after Googling “miserable marriage” and found a few of your answers to postings. I desperately need advice. I am a 35-year-old woman with 3 children ages 13, 9, and 6. I have been married to the same man since I was 20 years old. Where do I begin?
My husband smokes marijuana on a daily basis. No, he doesn’t do it in the house or near the kids, but I feel it is just a matter of time until they know. Interesting enough, this isn’t even the main problem, even though this makes me disgusted on a daily basis.
For years now, there really hasn’t been much communication in our marriage. I have tried every strategy – crying, pleading, ignoring, screaming, talking – none of it has worked. He basically stays in the bedroom from after dinner until he goes to bed while I’m out with the children. When I beg him to please sit down in the living room with me and talk for 5 minutes, he says while standing 10 feet away from me, “Why do I need to sit down to talk to you?” I find myself drawn to other men constantly and have for years. When I ignore him and start losing weight (since I’ve gained about 50 pounds from being lonely), he realizes I am serious about leaving him and promises me that he will change. It only lasts for a day or two. Our kids love him but our oldest has always wished for a fun dad.
I didn’t go to college until after my oldest was born. It took many years but I finally graduated in May of 2008 with my bachelor’s degree and am a teacher now and I love it.
He lost his last two jobs as a truck driver and now is working for his father’s cab company. He works five 12 hour days now. I do all of the house cleaning, take care of the bills, grocery shop, laundry, and help the kids with their homework. He only takes out the trash. He is more interested in playing his guitar or watching TV.
He doesn’t really laugh, at least not around me. Most people describe him as extremely quiet because he is, unless he’s drinking or smoking. He would never hit me or cheat on me and really isn’t a bad person. I just feel like I am missing so much in my life because of my marriage. I long for another relationship yet am terrified of making the wrong choice. Especially because I have kids.
I am so scared that if I leave him that I will regret my decision because he’s not a bad person and I do know he loves me. There is so much more I could add but I will end for now.
I appreciate very much any insight you have as an outsider. Thank you very much.
-Woeful Wife
Dear Woeful Wife,
A pretty clear sign of a miserable marriage is that you are Googling “miserable marriage.” I’m sure you’d much rather be Googling “I am the luckiest and happiest woman alive,” which might result in a lot of ads for erectile dysfunction drugs.
I’ve read your question a dozen times by now, trying to find the root of your question. At this point you don’t seem to be asking how to repair your marriage, but instead how to justify to yourself how to duck out gracefully and easily. You have all of the justifications you need, since you say you have tried communication and your husband has not responded. One person can communicate all they want to, but if you’re talking to a wall you won’t get anywhere.
This is the information you’ve given me: he hides away in his room; he doesn’t help you with any household responsibilities; he doesn’t want to be with you or the kids; he isn’t happy. Based on that, it sounds like getting a divorce from him wouldn’t change very much. It would be like evicting a roommate who causes more stress than good feelings.
You talk about not wanting to regret the choice that you so clearly want to make. Imagine yourself in this same relationship 10 years from now and think of the regrets you will have then. You can pull an ultimatum and let him know that if things don’t change in a major way (for more than a few days) you will need to move on with your life. This includes going to see a therapist. When choosing a therapist, he needs to be in on the decision so he doesn’t feel as though he is being bullied by a person you choose. If he’s as unhappy as you’ve said, he’ll either choose communication or divorce.
As for the children, I’ve said this before and I’m sticking to it. Children who grow up in a home with unhappy parents often turn into unhappy adults who have unhealthy relationships. You are their role models, and even if their initial reaction to your possible divorce is to be angry, one day it will make more sense to them. Divorce doesn’t have the stigma that it once did for children, and if you keep it civil and continue to talk to them about the things they are feeling, you can work through it as a family. I also want to make it very clear that talking to them about their feelings doesn’t mean that you get to dump any of your own frustrations on them. You can let them know that you’re sad, too, but when it comes to the details of the divorce proceedings, find a taller shoulder to cry on.
Good luck to you. It sounds like you’re at a really good spot in your career and you are doing what you can to raise your children well. Now try Googling something fun, like knock-knock jokes.
– Nikol
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Questions?
If you have a question for Nikol, you can reach her confidentially at nikolknows@milwaukeemagazine.com. Your anonymity will be protected.
