Dear Nikol,
I have been with the same man since I was a sophomore in high school. He was a senior and left for the military for the duration of my high school years. It was very romantic to only see him on leaves and to have to communicate by letter and a phone call now and again. It also meant I didn’t have the hassle of having to date other people when I was trying to focus on school.
He got out of the military seven years ago, and so started our happy life. It didn’t take long to realize that things were less than perfect, but I stuck with it. We got married and have twin daughters who are almost 3 now. My husband and I are miserable together, and all of my friends have been telling me to leave him for years now.
He has never given me an orgasm, our interest are different, and I find myself putting him down all the time. My family, on the other hand, seem to think that since we have children we need to stick it out until they are old enough to understand.
While my girls are my main priority, I am really confused because I know that I have tried for this long and it isn’t getting better. I want my girls to be as happy as they possibly can be, so I could try to fake it in front of them, but a part of me wants to be selfish and do what I know is going to be best for me. Also, if I divorce him and my family is so against it, that really cuts down on the people who will be supportive of me. If I end up a single mother of twin toddlers, I am going to need that support. I’m in college and working full time and I can’t afford to do this on my own. Still, that’s no reason to stay married. What should I do?
Miserable Girl Married
Dear MGM,
First things first. You should get some sort of award for sticking it out as long as you have without an orgasm. That award should be a 10-year orgasm, at least, though I am not sure that would fit in with your busy schedule with school, work and parenting.
If making a personal life choice that ensures that you will be happier, thereby healthier and setting a better example of self-respect for your children is selfish, honey, get as selfish as you can. I completely understand the dinosauric idea that in order for kids to cope with divorce they need to put up with several years of their parents staying married and hating each other. The same people who subscribe to this thinking would probably also tell you that dinosauric is not a word, but times are changing.
Your family is on one end of an idea that says married and miserable are often synonymous, and you should be tough. Your friends are at the other end, and all too often people in the younger generation rush into marriages and are back in divorce court within a few years. These are generalizations, of course. Every person forms a different idea of marriage. That idea is often based on what we grew up with.
You see where I am headed with this? If you and your husband are as miserable as you have said you are, the first thing you need to do is talk about it. Maybe you want to go hash it out with a counselor, or maybe you are just done. Either way, you are setting an example for your children with the relationship you are having right now. And faking it is not a reasonable solution, either. You can pretend you are happy for their sake, but I have talked to a whole lot of people who resent the hell out of their parents for trying to make it seem like everything was perfect.
Being a single mother is rough. Should you decide to divorce your husband, you will need to be firm with your family about the support you need. Should they be unwilling to give it, you could also have a similar conversation with your friends. In my own life the only way I was able to make it through years of parenting was to establish a network of friends who were more than willing to help me love and raise my children. Single people are especially big suckers for pulling an aunt/uncle for a day who will take the kids to the park or help out when you call them and you need some extra hands around.
Stay strong and don’t let the fear of the unknown keep you in the unhappiness that you already do know.
– Nikol
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Questions?
If you have a question for Nikol, you can reach her confidentially at nikolknows@milwaukeemagazine.com. Your anonymity will be protected.
