Dear Nikol,
I’m a lesbian in my 20s. While I’ve been sexually aware of myself since about preschool (all I knew was touching below the belt felt good) my sex life hasn’t progressed too much past the masturbation side of things. I’ve read the books, know the philosophies, know how to finger someone in theory, and while going down on a girl makes me nervous I’m totally up for learning.
I’ve had a few offers from people who like me and who I know would be safe sex partners, but I’ve been too scared to pursue any of them (and haven’t really liked any of them enough to make them my first experience). However, now I’m ready to find someone I like, who likes me, and go for it (safely). I think, just from knowing myself, I’d be a switch (good on the top and/or bottom) but I don’t know the first thing about either in practice.
I’ve told my friends I’ve had a sexual experience before because it’s embarrassing to not have had sex at my age. But if I find someone I really like and we want to have sex, I don’t know how to broach the subject that I’ve never done it. I know enough in principal that I think I’d be okay without saying anything, but I also don’t want to suck. I’m afraid I’ll clam-up from inexperience if she wants me to go down on her or her on me.
Would I be better off trying stuff out without letting on I’ve never done it before or telling them and hoping they understand and are willing to give me some pointers? I just don’t want them to think I’m a dork for being so inexperienced.
– Knowledgeable Virgin
Dear KV,
Wow, you’ve really given this some thought. Thinking is cool. But I am wondering if you have over-thought things a little bit. All of that anxiety over something as great as sex can really kill the mood.
First things first, my educated pal. You’ll be pleased to know that you are not alone. You might think everyone in their 20s has had all sorts of sex, but they haven’t. In fact, the trouble is that so many people are anxious that they are behind the curve that they tell their friends they have done it just to seem normal. Then, of course, it leads to even more people thinking that they are lame wads for not getting down yet. It’s totally fine to be a virgin, especially given the reasons you list. You haven’t been ready yet. So, I’m proud of you for not just jumping in the sack to get it over with. If you told your friends now that you haven’t done it they’ll probably forgive you. (Just be prepared for the endless advice they may offer. Which may be just what you need.)
Regarding technique, it is true that there are some basics to things like oral sex, fingering, and such. If you’ve already been masturbating, you have those basics down. There are all sorts of books out there that will offer up suggestions on how to give oral sex to a woman. The first that comes to mind is using your tongue to write the letters of the alphabet. In my opinion, however, those suggestions take you away from the real purpose of what you are down there doing. You should go down on a girl if you want to take pleasure in giving her pleasure. If you’re wrapped up in executing the letter “m” that detracts from paying attention to how your girl is reacting to what you are doing. As far as tips for receiving, position yourself in a way that feels good for both of you and use your voice, hands, and suggestions to let her know what is working.
Every time you have sex with someone new, it is the first time for the two of you. No two sexual partners are ever the same, even twins. (The perv in me asks you all to test this theory.) I’d be a liar if I said that the first time won’t be awkward, but if you are with someone who really turns you on, you might just find that it is less awkward than you fear.
As far as having the talk with the woman you ultimately decide to have your first time with, that’s kind of up to you. Open communication only makes sex better, but maybe you’ll decide not to say anything and just see what happens. If you do decide to tell your girl, you can decide if you’d rather have an intellectual discussion over tea or you can wait until a tender moment right before the sex happens and shiver a little, look into her eyes and say, “I just need you to know. I’ve never done this before.” (I’ve seen too many movies.)
Good luck, and never worry that someone might think you are a dork. Dorks are cool. It’s a scientific fact.
– Nikol
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Questions? If you have a question for Nikol, you can reach her confidentially at lovesexetc@milwaukeemagazine.com.Your anonymity will be protected.
