Photo by Daryn Nahkuda
How do I even begin to explain how much my Foodie SB means to me?
From the moment he brought that coffee maker to class 20 years ago (not as a
prop, or tool, but just for coffee), I knew I had to get to know that guy. He’s
the old soul: a curious, intellectual introvert with a killer smile and quirky
sense of humor. He took Latin in college for fun. With a guitar in his hand,
he’s magic. He has a hard time expressing his personal side, but give him a
pen, paper and two words and he will construct an enchanting world where
sunsets and moonbeams are so treasured, you will become hooked. While there
have been significant time gaps in our communication over the years, the desire
to “get to know that guy” has never waned.
I should be honest off the bat and share that I have never worked so hard to be
someone’s friend than with him. This isn’t a complaint. I’m rather proud of it,
actually. It’s more of a testament to how much I value this relationship. I
thank him for the continued life lessons. And while some would say friendships,
relationships shouldn’t be “work,” I would argue if you don’t work at it, you
can’t position yourself to realize who you really are. Without people willing
to push us out of our comfort zones, we cannot fully know what we are capable
of. Plus, without working at it, you’ll never get to that wonderfully
comfortable place of hanging out with someone who knows you’re flawed and still
thinks you’re all that and a bag of chips. Trust comes from working at it. And
there are only a handful of people I truly trust.
If you’ve been reading my blog, and now referencing my post describing all my SBs,
then you might be asking, “Foodie SB? Who is that?” Well, he was formerly known
as my Texting SB. I decided to make a fresh start with a new SB moniker after
going through some honest communication (see “Is It No Longer Comfortable” post) and reflection (see “Decoding What It Means To Listen” post) on how my Foodie SB shares his
thoughts and feelings. As for the “Foodie” part, well, we are both into tasty
treats and sharing photos of foods and beverages that take our breath away.
Plus, I direct you to read his answer to his favorite thing to do and you’ll
understand a little more.
When I didn’t hear back from him after the aforementioned post, I freaked out.
Sorry, but I did. I thought, “Oh crap! I just sunk a friendship that means so
much to me. Now what do I do?” Well, I started working on my own hang ups (many
thanks to my significant other for perspective). I decided if I wanted to keep
this friendship, and I do, it would be best to honor who he is and what he is
able to give, rather than do what I always do and set parameters around what I
think a friendship should look like. So yes, I “worked” on it.
Sorry, but I did. I thought, “Oh crap! I just sunk a friendship that means so
much to me. Now what do I do?” Well, I started working on my own hang ups (many
thanks to my significant other for perspective). I decided if I wanted to keep
this friendship, and I do, it would be best to honor who he is and what he is
able to give, rather than do what I always do and set parameters around what I
think a friendship should look like. So yes, I “worked” on it.
And that work made me do some things out of my comfort zone. For one, I put
myself out there, again and again, during his silent times. This was highly
uncomfortable for me. Growing up with my father’s one-strike-and-you’re-out
friendship philosophy, I had the erroneous idea that if a friend makes a
mistake (or a better way to put it, if I believed a friend harmed me in some
way), then they don’t care and I should write that person off. Pretty harsh,
huh? But this is what I knew. I didn’t know it was damaging, or wrong, or
limiting, or a protecting mechanism. Forget that there is another person in the
friendship that may be going through something that has nothing to do with you,
I just knew one…and done. It wasn’t until I got more comfortable with
acknowledging my own faults and took a long, hard look at myself, that I
realized if I didn’t start working on me to fix this false perception, then I
would be the cheese that stood alone.
myself out there, again and again, during his silent times. This was highly
uncomfortable for me. Growing up with my father’s one-strike-and-you’re-out
friendship philosophy, I had the erroneous idea that if a friend makes a
mistake (or a better way to put it, if I believed a friend harmed me in some
way), then they don’t care and I should write that person off. Pretty harsh,
huh? But this is what I knew. I didn’t know it was damaging, or wrong, or
limiting, or a protecting mechanism. Forget that there is another person in the
friendship that may be going through something that has nothing to do with you,
I just knew one…and done. It wasn’t until I got more comfortable with
acknowledging my own faults and took a long, hard look at myself, that I
realized if I didn’t start working on me to fix this false perception, then I
would be the cheese that stood alone.
When I didn’t hear anything after the pull-back-the-curtain posts, my first
reaction was he no longer wanted to be my friend, let alone SB, and I should
write him off. I struggled with fighting against the friendship philosophy I
had practiced most of my early adulthood because it was different with my
Foodie SB. It wasn’t as easy to just wash my hands and move on. I still wanted
to know that guy.
reaction was he no longer wanted to be my friend, let alone SB, and I should
write him off. I struggled with fighting against the friendship philosophy I
had practiced most of my early adulthood because it was different with my
Foodie SB. It wasn’t as easy to just wash my hands and move on. I still wanted
to know that guy.
So I got back to basics and started stripping what our friendship was at the
core. I wanted to figure out how to be a better friend; I wanted to figure this
out. If it meant I had to rethink my philosophies…so be it. And the work began.
I re-read all the notes he sent to me long ago and really listened to what they
said versus what he was, and is, able to say outside the safety of a story or
song lyrics. I was able to figure out some comfort zones.
core. I wanted to figure out how to be a better friend; I wanted to figure this
out. If it meant I had to rethink my philosophies…so be it. And the work began.
I re-read all the notes he sent to me long ago and really listened to what they
said versus what he was, and is, able to say outside the safety of a story or
song lyrics. I was able to figure out some comfort zones.
This discovery made me even more determined to work on keeping this friendship.
So I continued to try and reach out, even though my stomach was in knots. It
was a good thing to be out of my comfort zone because I was learning the value
of working on a friendship.
So I continued to try and reach out, even though my stomach was in knots. It
was a good thing to be out of my comfort zone because I was learning the value
of working on a friendship.
I either wore him down with my cheesy, “Are you still not talking to me?” and
“How about now?” texts, or he just finally read the messages, because I did,
eventually, hear back. And we are moving forward.
“How about now?” texts, or he just finally read the messages, because I did,
eventually, hear back. And we are moving forward.
So here is my Q&A session with my Foodie SB. By the time you get to the
end, I think you’re going to want to make bread. Yep. Lots and lots of bread…
that this is an obvious ploy to figure out what’s in my pants without actually
dating me, I’ll answer… I’ve always been indecisive. Sometimes. Unless I’m not.
Thankfully, some designer felt my pain and invented boxer briefs so my boys can
simultaneously enjoy the loose jangly freedom of boxers and the warming
snuggle-hug of briefs. (Sorry if that was more detail than you wanted.)
end, I think you’re going to want to make bread. Yep. Lots and lots of bread…
Boxers or briefs?
that this is an obvious ploy to figure out what’s in my pants without actually
dating me, I’ll answer… I’ve always been indecisive. Sometimes. Unless I’m not.
Thankfully, some designer felt my pain and invented boxer briefs so my boys can
simultaneously enjoy the loose jangly freedom of boxers and the warming
snuggle-hug of briefs. (Sorry if that was more detail than you wanted.)
Pool or pond?
Pond. I just find
pools unnatural. The lines are too clean, the water too clear. Give me the good
old fashioned chaos of Mother Nature’s haphazard design. It’s not just about
stepping out, back to the convenience of your in-ground chlorinated festival of
sterility; it’s about the satisfaction of trekking over a couple hills and
dales all the while anticipating getting to that ol’ swimming hole and sitting
under the shade of that weeping willow and knowing exactly where you have to
lay your towel to avoid the root raises. Ponds are just more personal. If you
tell someone you have a pool, there’s not much else to tell. But if you tell
that same person that you had a pond as a kid, there’s a story in there as each
pond is unique. Also, I never learned to swim, so it’s easier to make an excuse
not to go in a pond. “Um, looks like a lot of algae today…”
What do you like about being a SB?
That you will
never judge me for not knowing how to swim.
That you will
never judge me for not knowing how to swim.
What do you dislike about being a SB?
My work is very
demanding time-wise and this often strains relationships –especially those that
I am actively trying to cultivate. At times, I find it difficult at best to do
what even I consider the minimum amount of maintenance (for lack of a better
word – and there must be a better word since women are not, I’ve been
told…cars). I’m working on clawing back some semblance of work/life balance,
but my job is an unforgiving mistress. That being said, it’s not so much a
question of “dislike,” but I find it frustrating that I cannot devote as much
time to my friends, Sunday or otherwise, as I would like.
My work is very
demanding time-wise and this often strains relationships –especially those that
I am actively trying to cultivate. At times, I find it difficult at best to do
what even I consider the minimum amount of maintenance (for lack of a better
word – and there must be a better word since women are not, I’ve been
told…cars). I’m working on clawing back some semblance of work/life balance,
but my job is an unforgiving mistress. That being said, it’s not so much a
question of “dislike,” but I find it frustrating that I cannot devote as much
time to my friends, Sunday or otherwise, as I would like.
Over the course of the years we’ve known each other, how did any of your
significant others react to you being my Sunday Boyfriend?
Really, it’s never come up as
I don’t tend to date the jealous type. But more to the point, after I collided
with my mid-thirties, the women I would see tended to have significant
histories; as did I. It’s not “baggage.” It’s the natural result of a life
lived. If someone has never been in love, had their heart broken, and doesn’t
have a good friend of the opposite sex by this age, they might have been living
under a rock; or suffer some injurious form of risk-averse. I’ve found that as
I get older, and find myself still out there, it’s imperative to accept and
respect my partners’ pasts because they are part of them. It’s okay to realize
that you’re probably not going to be someone’s first kiss, first love, first
anything anymore – unless you’re really kinky.
significant others react to you being my Sunday Boyfriend?
Really, it’s never come up as
I don’t tend to date the jealous type. But more to the point, after I collided
with my mid-thirties, the women I would see tended to have significant
histories; as did I. It’s not “baggage.” It’s the natural result of a life
lived. If someone has never been in love, had their heart broken, and doesn’t
have a good friend of the opposite sex by this age, they might have been living
under a rock; or suffer some injurious form of risk-averse. I’ve found that as
I get older, and find myself still out there, it’s imperative to accept and
respect my partners’ pasts because they are part of them. It’s okay to realize
that you’re probably not going to be someone’s first kiss, first love, first
anything anymore – unless you’re really kinky.
Okay, be honest now, do you read the blog? If so, what is your favorite
post and why?
I tend to read it in spurts,
as in five or six posts at a time. This is usually triggered when you send an
email to me saying you mentioned me. Since I am my own most favorite subject,
being the egotist that I am, it’s a surefire way to get my page views. And
then, of course, I stick around and read the rest. Favorite post? May 21, 2012. Because I had no idea.
post and why?
I tend to read it in spurts,
as in five or six posts at a time. This is usually triggered when you send an
email to me saying you mentioned me. Since I am my own most favorite subject,
being the egotist that I am, it’s a surefire way to get my page views. And
then, of course, I stick around and read the rest. Favorite post? May 21, 2012. Because I had no idea.
What is the single most important thing you look for in a SG?
Girlfriend?
Same answer for both. Empathy
– the ability to experience the world through someone else’s eyes. It’s a
“tell” that there might be an openness, a willingness to experiment-which is
crucial for any friend, much less a significant other. It’s a sign that this
person won’t be dismissive of anything that doesn’t fit into some preconceived
mold; that maybe the two of you can sally forth and create something of your
own, meeting each other halfway.
Girlfriend?
Same answer for both. Empathy
– the ability to experience the world through someone else’s eyes. It’s a
“tell” that there might be an openness, a willingness to experiment-which is
crucial for any friend, much less a significant other. It’s a sign that this
person won’t be dismissive of anything that doesn’t fit into some preconceived
mold; that maybe the two of you can sally forth and create something of your
own, meeting each other halfway.
What was your first impression of me? You can be honest…really.
“Oooooooh, I love redheads.
What a cutie.”
“Oooooooh, I love redheads.
What a cutie.”
What three adjectives best suit you?
Laid-back, reserved, quirky.*
Laid-back, reserved, quirky.*
*So after I submitted this to you, you asked for clarification on laid-back
versus reserved. I understand laid-back to mean more of an interior attitude,
while reserved is more how I present externally to others. I swear it makes
sense if you meet me. If it helps, I consistently test as an INTJ (introverted,
intuitive, thinking, judging) on the Myers-Briggs personality spectrum.
versus reserved. I understand laid-back to mean more of an interior attitude,
while reserved is more how I present externally to others. I swear it makes
sense if you meet me. If it helps, I consistently test as an INTJ (introverted,
intuitive, thinking, judging) on the Myers-Briggs personality spectrum.
(For the record, as an ENTJ…extroverted, intuitive,
thinking, judging…I get what my Foodie SB means.)
thinking, judging…I get what my Foodie SB means.)
What does a great Sunday Boyfriend date verses a great boyfriend date look
like to you?
The former is less
likely to involve candles and more likely to involve tacos. The latter is less
likely to involve dive bars and more likely to involve risotto. Although now
that I think about it, risotto tacos by candlelight at a dive bar sounds like
an all right night…
like to you?
The former is less
likely to involve candles and more likely to involve tacos. The latter is less
likely to involve dive bars and more likely to involve risotto. Although now
that I think about it, risotto tacos by candlelight at a dive bar sounds like
an all right night…
It’s a typical Saturday night…whatcha doing?
The past few
months, I’ve been performing with a sketch comedy troupe at midnight, every
Saturday, as their musical accompaniment. I play ditties between sketches and
underscore some scenes as needed. Occasionally, I get put into a scene to
perform some embarrassing task or other. So for the last six or seven months,
I’ve been hopping the subway, doing a show, hanging out, and then swinging back
home to grab a late beer or two at the local watering hole before trundling off
to bed.
The past few
months, I’ve been performing with a sketch comedy troupe at midnight, every
Saturday, as their musical accompaniment. I play ditties between sketches and
underscore some scenes as needed. Occasionally, I get put into a scene to
perform some embarrassing task or other. So for the last six or seven months,
I’ve been hopping the subway, doing a show, hanging out, and then swinging back
home to grab a late beer or two at the local watering hole before trundling off
to bed.
Quick fire choices…
Smarts or looks?
Smarts. Looks
fade, smarts don’t.
Funny or money?
Funny pays
dividends that money can never match. I figure it this way: when I’m on my
deathbed, I sure as fuckfire hope I’m reliving some improbably laughable moment
shared with loved ones. Because if I’m thinking about that one tax year I was
able to characterize some short term capital gains as long term capital gains
in order to score a lower tax rate, I will have seriously and terribly screwed
up my life.
Funny pays
dividends that money can never match. I figure it this way: when I’m on my
deathbed, I sure as fuckfire hope I’m reliving some improbably laughable moment
shared with loved ones. Because if I’m thinking about that one tax year I was
able to characterize some short term capital gains as long term capital gains
in order to score a lower tax rate, I will have seriously and terribly screwed
up my life.
Carefree or planner?
Carefree.
Especially if the lack of planning leads to staying in and cooking…followed by
sexytimes.
Carefree.
Especially if the lack of planning leads to staying in and cooking…followed by
sexytimes.
Fashion or football?
If fashion means
owning and enjoying a wide variety of pajama pants, cardigans, slippers and
well-worn t-shirts, then fashion. Otherwise football. Remember, I’m indecisive.
Sometimes. Unless I’m not.
If fashion means
owning and enjoying a wide variety of pajama pants, cardigans, slippers and
well-worn t-shirts, then fashion. Otherwise football. Remember, I’m indecisive.
Sometimes. Unless I’m not.
Movie or concert?
Concert. You can
dance with someone at a concert. Maybe it’s Chopin’s waltzes in a park on a
warm summer evening, dancing cheek to cheek with a romantic fling; or maybe
Devo came to town and you’re pogo-sticking around with flower pots on your
heads. You can’t really dance at a movie theater without spilling popcorn
everywhere and having numerous, irate moviegoers yelling “Down in front!” and
“Who told you, you can dance, white boy?”
Concert. You can
dance with someone at a concert. Maybe it’s Chopin’s waltzes in a park on a
warm summer evening, dancing cheek to cheek with a romantic fling; or maybe
Devo came to town and you’re pogo-sticking around with flower pots on your
heads. You can’t really dance at a movie theater without spilling popcorn
everywhere and having numerous, irate moviegoers yelling “Down in front!” and
“Who told you, you can dance, white boy?”
Jeans or skirts?
Jeans. They are
much more challenging and much more fun to peel off someone in a prolonged and
tantalizing sort of way. Better answer to a different question: cowboy boots
and a birthday suit.
Jeans. They are
much more challenging and much more fun to peel off someone in a prolonged and
tantalizing sort of way. Better answer to a different question: cowboy boots
and a birthday suit.
Casual or formal?
Casual. Kindly see
my idea of fashion above.
Casual. Kindly see
my idea of fashion above.
Pleasing everyone or being true to yourself?
I’m a little
unclear as to why these two are incompatible. And if you do have to betray
yourself or your values, then perhaps you should rethink why you are
associating with these persons who would ask you to do so.
I’m a little
unclear as to why these two are incompatible. And if you do have to betray
yourself or your values, then perhaps you should rethink why you are
associating with these persons who would ask you to do so.
What is the one thing you think women get wrong about dating? Relationships?
Dating? It’s okay
to be forward. Ask a guy out once in a while, Sadie Hawkins. Say it directly
and without hinting. I’ve heard it’s empowering. Relationships? I haven’t found
men (myself included) to be as analytical about relationships as most women. I
went to an all-boys high school and no matter how old we get, we really haven’t
changed all that much since high school. Except for the receding hairline,
expanding waistline and disposable income, I’m basically the same kid. High
school boys weren’t even thinking about how many weeks in a row we’d been
wearing those unwashed jeans, and we still aren’t. So the chances of us now
parsing that one statement from two weeks ago, that would only be a pivotal
moment to a deconstructionist English professor (who reads too much into the
color of the curtains the author mentions once in passing), are slim at best.
Slim at best.
Dating? It’s okay
to be forward. Ask a guy out once in a while, Sadie Hawkins. Say it directly
and without hinting. I’ve heard it’s empowering. Relationships? I haven’t found
men (myself included) to be as analytical about relationships as most women. I
went to an all-boys high school and no matter how old we get, we really haven’t
changed all that much since high school. Except for the receding hairline,
expanding waistline and disposable income, I’m basically the same kid. High
school boys weren’t even thinking about how many weeks in a row we’d been
wearing those unwashed jeans, and we still aren’t. So the chances of us now
parsing that one statement from two weeks ago, that would only be a pivotal
moment to a deconstructionist English professor (who reads too much into the
color of the curtains the author mentions once in passing), are slim at best.
Slim at best.
What is the one thing you think men get wrong about dating? Relationships?
This goes, I
think, both to dating and relationships. Men ignore their friends’ advice and
stay with someone just to be with someone even when the whole shindig is doomed
from the get-go. When a close and trusted pal, guy or gal, who is one step
removed and has a certain neutrality and a track record of having your
interests at heart, tells you your relationship is on a path of destruction,
take a step back and listen. It’s hard to tell someone they’re an idiot and
their conduct is going to end up in pain and tears. Not only is continuing in a
bad relationship a bad idea, it’s also not fair to her.
This goes, I
think, both to dating and relationships. Men ignore their friends’ advice and
stay with someone just to be with someone even when the whole shindig is doomed
from the get-go. When a close and trusted pal, guy or gal, who is one step
removed and has a certain neutrality and a track record of having your
interests at heart, tells you your relationship is on a path of destruction,
take a step back and listen. It’s hard to tell someone they’re an idiot and
their conduct is going to end up in pain and tears. Not only is continuing in a
bad relationship a bad idea, it’s also not fair to her.
Name two things that attract you to someone?
Knowing who you
are. Knowing what you want. And no, I’m not sure I could tell you clearly and
succinctly who I am and what I want. It’s not a concise entry on a resume-thing.
It’s more a how you carry yourself and deal with the world-thing.
Knowing who you
are. Knowing what you want. And no, I’m not sure I could tell you clearly and
succinctly who I am and what I want. It’s not a concise entry on a resume-thing.
It’s more a how you carry yourself and deal with the world-thing.
What is your favorite thing in the world to do?
For years, my
standard answer would be lazing around playing guitar on a rainy afternoon.
Lately though, I’ve been getting into baking. There’s something about kneading
bread dough that I really enjoy. After you form the initial ball of dough, from
what basically amounts to some powders and some liquids, you get to lean into
it, onto it, knuckles down, pounding, and twisting, and rolling, and finding
the rhythm of the dough, and then adjusting with more liquid or more powder
until the gluten forms, giving up that elasticity, creating not a mix of
separate ingredients, but a unified lump of future yum. It’s the most physical
and tactile act of making food that I’ve come across. And there’s just
something satisfying about this slow, contemplative and physical process that
jives with me as an escape from a world with too many automatic pleasures and
immediate rewards.
For years, my
standard answer would be lazing around playing guitar on a rainy afternoon.
Lately though, I’ve been getting into baking. There’s something about kneading
bread dough that I really enjoy. After you form the initial ball of dough, from
what basically amounts to some powders and some liquids, you get to lean into
it, onto it, knuckles down, pounding, and twisting, and rolling, and finding
the rhythm of the dough, and then adjusting with more liquid or more powder
until the gluten forms, giving up that elasticity, creating not a mix of
separate ingredients, but a unified lump of future yum. It’s the most physical
and tactile act of making food that I’ve come across. And there’s just
something satisfying about this slow, contemplative and physical process that
jives with me as an escape from a world with too many automatic pleasures and
immediate rewards.
Okay, now think about this one and be honest…What is the best thing about
being my SB; and the worst?
The best thing is,
of course, keeping an old and cherished friend in my life. Worst? Trying to
guess who the other Sunday Boyfriends are. Even though I value my own
anonymity, I’m just sooo curious. I’m pretty sure I’ve figured out a couple and
there are a couple more I know I’ve never met, but I also know that I can’t
ask. Not knowing exasperates me.
being my SB; and the worst?
The best thing is,
of course, keeping an old and cherished friend in my life. Worst? Trying to
guess who the other Sunday Boyfriends are. Even though I value my own
anonymity, I’m just sooo curious. I’m pretty sure I’ve figured out a couple and
there are a couple more I know I’ve never met, but I also know that I can’t
ask. Not knowing exasperates me.
Every time I hear Blondie and Michael Jackson’s PYT, I think of you. But
what song would you like me to add to your SB soundtrack? And, what song(s), if
any, remind you of me?
Fleetwood Mac’s, “Honey Hi” from the album Tusk.
There’s just something about the sweetness of it that reminds me of you and
something about the simplicity and groove that reminds me of a lot of stuff I
was listening to and trying to write when we were at school together.
what song would you like me to add to your SB soundtrack? And, what song(s), if
any, remind you of me?
Fleetwood Mac’s, “Honey Hi” from the album Tusk.
There’s just something about the sweetness of it that reminds me of you and
something about the simplicity and groove that reminds me of a lot of stuff I
was listening to and trying to write when we were at school together.
Here’s hoping more of us can identify our needs to restock our best ingredients
in the hopes of creating a new and “unified ball of future yum.”
in the hopes of creating a new and “unified ball of future yum.”
Oh…and let me know if you suddenly had the urge to make bread. I know I did!
As always, stay comfy and be good to yourself and your Sunday Boyfriends.
