Anyone who knows me knows that I take my career very seriously. Fresh out of college, I landed my first job in a sales role with a company where I was on average 10 years younger than my coworkers. The job provided an above average salary, generous health benefits and fancy perks. I was bright-eyed, wet behind the ears and very naïve about the business world, but I do remember thinking that I didn’t want to get comfortable in that position no matter how great the benefits. And that I needed and wanted to move up quickly. Even when some of my coworkers told me that my career goals were overly-ambitious or managers told me I’d have to invest “years” before I’d ever be considered for certain roles. I forged ahead and developed my personal career plan that every three years I needed to move up OR move on. It paid off. Within four years, I had been promoted three times before finally leaving the company to take a stab in the non-profit world.
At the time, I was dating an older guy who gave me a great piece of advice that I’ve held on to over the years. He said: the workplace is a game. Be strategic and deliberate in your actions and play to win. He also cautioned that while the office isn’t a sorority and shouldn’t be a popularity contest, it is important to keep abreast of the office politics and to build a strong network. Because ultimately, he said, promotions, pay increases and added responsibilities, are not just about doing your job and working hard.
He was right. I learned quickly that getting ahead in the workplace has a lot to do with your confidence and commanding respect from your peers and management. Early in my career, I remember admiring a colleague named Linda. While she was well-liked and fun to be around, she was devilishly smart, well-respected and able to put anyone in their place without putting people off. One particular instance stands out in my mind. One year, we were in Chicago at a conference. Linda and I had just exited the elevator and were sharing a recap of the days events. Suddenly our colleague, Joe walks up and interrupts our conversation.
Joe: “Girls, it doesn’t represent us well when staff is just standing around chatting and giggling.”
Like in similar situations when someone says things that catch me off guard. I froze. I literally couldn’t believe his comments. There was so many things wrong with his actions and statement that I didn’t know where or how to begin. While I stood there, frozen, Linda spoke up. She, in a calm but firm voice, stated to Joe that his comments were inappropriate and unwarranted. Linda explained that not only was it extremely rude to interrupt our conversation, but she also questioned why he assumed that our conversation was frivolous. She then added that in the future, he should not address us as “girls” and that he should speak to us as professionals and colleagues. Joe, obviously embarrassed, offered a nervous laugh and slowly backed away. I literally had to bite my tongue to not double over in laughter at Joe’s expression. Linda had done what I didn’t have the testicular fortitude to do that at that time. She had commanded her respect without coming across as bitchy or having an attitude. The entire scene was classic.
To this day, I consider Linda one of my first mentors. And I’m still working on the technique that she had mastered: balancing being well-liked by those around you with knowing how and when to put people in their place in a professional manner. Over the years I’ve adopted other mentors or they’ve adopted me and I rely heavily on them. Some of my mentors don’t look like me or even work in the same industry. But they are necessary and invaluable at helping me to navigate the professional roadmap, offering a different perspective on a challenging situation or helping to grow my network as I plot my next career move.
Recently during lunch with my mentor, Karen I shared my frustration with the way my executive management team responds to me versus my male and more senior female colleagues. Karen suggested a book called Nice Girls Don’t Get the Corner Office by Lois Frankel. Ladies, if you’re not familiar with this book, I highly recommend that you check it out. I don’t want to spoil too much of Frankel’s book, which is now a permanent fixture on my nightstand, but a few no-no’s that she lists are: asking for permission, tolerating inappropriate behavior (think Joe’s comments to Linda and me), flirting, couching statements as questions, excessive apologizing and acting like Betty Crocker.
I was only a few pages into the book before I started identifying some of the “unconscious mistakes” that I make.
While my career continues to progress, I still struggle with the fear of being shot down in the workplace and I have developed several tactics to determine if what I am doing is “okay” or acceptable. My permission-seeking is not overt. I don’t call up my executive team or colleagues and explicitly ask to do certain things, but my actions and the messages they send are sabotaging my career, nevertheless.
Take this for example: About four months ago my new colleague, *Barry and I are working on a presentation on strategic planning for our executive management team. The Boss gives very little direction, but demands a tight deadline of 24 hours. Barry and I divvy up the assignments and get to work right away on our separate tasks. The next morning I send a draft of my share of the presentation to my boss asking for feedback. In my mind, I want to make sure that I am headed in the right direction. What I’ve unconsciously done is ask for permission and seek validation.
Within a matter of minutes I receive an email in my inbox from The Boss. In no less than three paragraphs she rips a part my presentation (very professionally, but rips it a part no less). In addition to her edits she also has added additional assignments. When I see all of her comments I hang my head, lick my wounds and go back to the drawing board, scrambling to get everything done before the deadline. As I tap away on my laptop, I dial Barry and am prepared to vent. When I explain the situation, he matter-of-factly states: “that’s where you made your mistake.”
Me: Excuse me?
Barry: See, you should’ve just sent the information to her upon deadline. You were looking for validation and that’s why you sent her your presentation in advance.
Me: But I was just trying to make sure I was on the right track!
Barry: Well, that’s where your confidence has to kick in. You have to be confident in the work that you’re doing based on the information that you have. You can’t always pull The Boss in to get feedback. It will eventually diminish her confidence in you. You never know, she could’ve given very little direction to see how you would handle the tasks regardless.
Ahhh. The light bulb suddenly went off.
Since that day I’ve made a conscious decision to not seek permission in the workplace. I consider it baby steps, but take this for example. My work travel is pretty heavy during the months of February and March. In previous years, I would send The Boss a detailed email notifying her where and when I was going with details of each meeting. I realized this was a mistake and completely unnecessary. This year, I planned my first quarter travel activity and will report out during scheduled weekly meetings as requested. As Frankel points out, and I wholeheartedly agree, if someone has a problem with your actions at work, they will definitely find a way to let you know. But until then, you should be confident in yourself to get the job done provided the power that has been instilled in you.
Nice Girls may not finish last. But they definitely don’t advance by seeking approval from those around them. It’s important to always be cognizant of your actions in the workplace and most importantly the messages that they send.
