Dear Nikol,
I have had a flirtation with my best friend’s husband’s best friend for a few years. When we first met he was engaged, but it ended. Over the course of the last few years he has dated a barrage of women and I was in a serious relationship.
We are now both single and get along splendidly whenever we are at social gatherings. I have been explicitly told I can not pursue dating him or have any kind of relationship with him besides platonic. It’s hard to find quality people to date once you move beyond the 20-something years.
Should I pursue this behind my best friend’s back? Should I honor their wishes just because it might make them uncomfortable or put them in the middle? Do you think I should talk to him about it?
Dear Friend Without Benefits,
I assume that you have told your best friend that you are really into this guy, and if her only reason to forbid your dating is that she doesn’t want to get in the middle of anything, chances are she knows more about this dude’s dating history than she is sharing with you. Could be he is a very nice person and a lousy boyfriend.
It is impossible, however, for her to foresee what will happen in the course of your dating relationship with this man. It could be that she ends up getting special mention should the two of you be perfect for each other and decide one day to marry. Or things just won’t work out and you’ll move on.
Either way, your friend needs to be able to trust that you won’t let anything that happens between you and this guy come between the two of you. If you really feel like this is something you want, you should go for it. But, Friend? Don’t go behind her back. That’s just a junior high solution to a rather simple situation. The thing that adults do is stand up for what they want and go for it without shame or deceit. Best of luck and may you get to be the one saying “I told you so” instead of your friend.
-Nikol
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Questions?
If you have a question for Nikol, you can reach her confidentially at nikolknows@milwaukeemagazine.com. Your anonymity will be protected.
