It doesn’t take more than a brief flip through prime-time TV to see that the once great American male has become a bumbling, unsophisticated sloth whose self-confidence far exceeds his competence. You know the stereotypical yahoo we’re talking about: the guy in all of those commercials and sit-coms who inevitably brings ruin upon his homestead […]
It doesn’t take more than a brief flip through prime-time TV to see that the once great American male has become a bumbling, unsophisticated sloth whose self-confidence far exceeds his competence. You know the stereotypical yahoo we’re talking about: the guy in all of those commercials and sit-coms who inevitably brings ruin upon his homestead with his ill-fated fix-it projects and creeping macho lassitude.
Since our circulation data show that many of you, dear readers, are of the fairer sex, we must urge you to take action against this cultural epidemic, and now. Here’s how you do it: Call all of your man’s friends’ wives or girlfriends (moms?) and insist you all send your simians to Kohler (a mere one-hour drive) for a rehabilitation weekend.
Have the men double up in rooms at the American Club ($224-$420). Co-habitation will promote frank discussion about any unpleasant nocturnal sounds or otherwise. Upon their arrival on Friday night, they should proceed directly to the Winery at the American Club for basic cultural reprogramming. There they will be forced to navigate nearly 400 vintages and a large selection of Wisconsin cheeses, a demanding way to add to their sophistication.
Arrange for dinner to be served in an appropriate setting: the cellar. The Normandy Room, a wine cellar cum private dining room, features the Immigrant Room’s award-winning cuisine in pleasant confines. Think of it as a boot camp for aesthetes: Your men must be broken before they’re rebuilt. And broken they’ll be on the wheel of five courses prepared by executive chef Ulrich Koberstein. With their brutish hearts humbled by culinary beauty, they will want nothing more than to go straight to sleep after dinner. They will have absolutely no desire to walk to the Horse and Plow tavern to sample from its 100-strong beer menu.
Phase Two (aka Saturday) should begin at River Wildlife ($10 per person usage fee), a 500-acre wilderness property. The men can spend the morning working on their precision and grace with a little trap shooting ($13 per 25 targets, $12 shotgun rental). After relearning the importance of good aim, they can grab a quick bite at the River Wildlife Lodge Restaurant before heading over to Meadow Valleys golf course at Blackwolf Run ($53, open through November, weather permitting) for some, um, club-handling practice.
After golf and a cocktail at the clubhouse bar – strictly for medicinal purposes, of course – the trainees’ progress should be tested in the Blackwolf Run Restaurant. Dining amid the general public, they will doubtless be forced to work on their manners while ingesting hearty appetizers and aged Black Angus steaks. Since the dinner conversation will inevitably turn to typical male embellishment and self-delusion while recapping the day’s shooting and golf exploits, it is important that the next step in their training be focused on rooting out deceptive tendencies.
The Winnebago Room ($250 for four hours) back at the American Club is the perfect venue for a very simple exercise designed to expose egotistic bluffing. It requires only a deck of playing cards and some color-coded, circular pieces of plastic. A full bar complete with a bartender can also be arranged to teach a lesson in budgeting: If $350 is spent on drinks, the bartender is free. If not, the bartender costs $100. The Winnebago Room also comes complete with a pool table for more work on manual dexterity and is outfitted with a special ventilation system, just in case some barbarian barges in with a cigar.
By Sunday morning, the guys will be new men, gentle men, as it were. Only one thing will remain to be fixed: their exterior. The Waters Spa will take care of it. While each man’s needs are different, you can’t go wrong with the 1-2-3 of massage, facial, body scrub. The Golfer’s Massage (50 minutes, $130; 75 minutes, $170) is a great choice for the man who carries his tension in the shoulders and back. The Gentlemen’s Skin Care facial (25 minutes, $85; 50 minutes, $150) will purify and renew his kisser. Finally, the John Michael Kohler for Him Scrub will use salt glow and warm jets of water to strip his old scales while nurturing newly exposed skin.
Your man will return to you that afternoon changed – relaxed, renewed, almost human. Watch him closely for the next few months, however. If you notice any signs of grouchy regression, send him and his cronies back to Kohler immediately to repeat the training. For more information and reservations, call 800-344-2838 or go to www.destinationkohler.com.