Dear Nikol,
I am a 41 year old married male with absolutely no health issues (that I’m aware of). I am in good shape and always considered my sexual abilities more than adequate. However, for the past couple of years when my wife gets on top I will lose my erection within a minute. What the heck is going on? Her body isn’t what it used to be, so is my mind objecting to that? Or IS it E.D? Or does my penis just like it when I’m in control? No problems keeping it up in any other position, ever. Thanks.
-WLTBOIA (would like the bottom once in awhile)
Well, WLTBOIA,
I’m no doctor, but it seems to me that if you can still pop a tent most of the time, you don’t have ED.
So, what could the problem possibly be? Unless I’m all up in your bedroom taking notes and saying “hmmm, interesting,” I can only guess. Luckily for you, I don’t mind guessing.
What I think is going on is a combination of three elements. (This seems like a really funny place to make a Last Airbender joke, but I’m not talking about that kind of element.)
1. Like you said, you’re not nuts about the way things hang when your wife is on top of you. Whatever. It happens. The old grey mare she ain’t what she used to be. So long as you’re not giving her a complex over it, who are you to control the forces of nature?
2. You also said you like many other positions. What your penis likes is mostly about what your brain likes. If you’re mentally not a fan of your wife being on top of you, it makes sense that you physically react. Or stop reacting. Whatever. There might be some part of you that doesn’t like to be on bottom.
3. The outside of your wife has changed, and so has the inside. Don’t get me wrong. Vaginas are all pliable and cool and (despite myths to the contrary) lots of sex doesn’t stretch them out. But the angles do change up in there. It’s quite possible that when your wife gets on top, the sensation isn’t one that your penis is all that fond of. This is why no two bodies ever fit together exactly the same.
Whatever the reason, you’re not into it. Now, the only issue I can see you having with your boner going away when wife is on top is that maybe wife likes being on top. Could be her favorite thing, even. And if it is, how can you give her something that she wants? I have some suggestions. You’re welcome.
- Use your hand or a toy. If your wife just wants that sensation, and many women do because they can grind their pubis very close to the man’s body in that position, there is no shame in faking a penis for her. As long as the two of you are cool knowing it’s all about her, couldn’t hurt.
- You could go and see your doctor about getting some ED medication.
- Vary the position until it works for you. Try reverse cowgirl, try it sitting in a chair, try it sitting in a chair with her facing away from you. Maybe with some tinkering, you’ll come across something you both really like.
So there you have it. Enjoy the process and high five to you for keeping the sex alive in your marriage.
– Nikol
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Questions? If you have a question for Nikol, you can reach her confidentially at lovesexetc@milwaukeemagazine.com. Your anonymity will be protected.
