Strange how such disparate things can end up so desperately connected.
Because way back in April, Bobby Petrino went on an Arkansas motorcycle ride with his mistress, and yada yada yada, the Wisconsin Badgers need a new football coach.
That’s the Seinfeldian version, anyway. For the fuller version, just work backwards through the yadas.
Bret Bielema left the Badgers for the SEC Country Club because Arkansas offered him a whole lot of money, reportedly some $20 million.
Arkansas offered all that cash because it needed a good head coach. And it needed one because interim coach John L. Smith was too… well… interim.
The Razorbacks were stuck with interim because their formerly permanent head coach, the aforementioned Petrino, simply had to be fired. Not because he lost games, but because he hired his mistress to work in the Arkansas football department.
But the Razorbacks only learned about Petrino’s secret because she happened to be on the motorcycle he crashed. Oh, and because he happened to do a whole lot of lying about a lot of things involving the mistress.
So maybe if Petrino knew how to properly ride a motorcycle, his secrets would still be safe. Then he’d certainly still be at Arkansas, which fell in love with his winning ways, enough that he almost survived the whole scandal.
And if Petrino were still at Arkansas, then Bielema would almost certainly still be at Wisconsin.
Instead, folks are wondering if Badgers Athletic Director Barry Alvarez might coach another Rose Bowl.
If he does, even in just a temporary figurehead role, then many might think this whole convoluted Badgers mess was worth the trouble. In fact, Badgers fans would be downright thankful for the mess if Alvarez could lure favorite son Paul Chryst home from his new head coaching job at Pittsburgh.
But the timing of such an offer couldn’t be worse for Chryst. He’d be asked to leave Pitt after less than a year on the job. And he’d be asked to do so right after Pitt’s previous coach did the exact same thing. How hard would it be for a high-character man like Chryst to deliver another Dear John note to his players? Perhaps so hard that he couldn’t bring himself to do it.
That would throw the Badgers coaching search wide open.
A fair number of Wisconsin fans might not even mind that. There was a growing sense in segments of Badgers Nation that Bielema was wearing out his welcome, and rather than be angry at Bielema’s departure, those segments would be happy with Coach Anybody Else.
Because for all his success in piling up wins, it was the big wins those fans wanted, and Bielema couldn’t bring them home. He could put Wisconsin on the fringes of national championship contention, but never in the thick of the conversation. He could win Big Ten titles and get to the Rose Bowl but never snare the trophy.
All of which reminds me of a cautionary tale that played out in Bielema’s new backyard.
The University of Oklahoma once had a steady if unspectacular coach named Gary Gibbs, and he got the job after a local legend by the name of Barry Switzer, much like Bielema followed Alvarez at Wisconsin.
Gibbs produced good but not great results, delivering winning seasons and often bowl games (back when just going to one actually meant something). But Gibbs never served up the grand prizes that Switzer did, and after six years, Oklahoma decided good wasn’t great enough. Gibbs was fired.
In came a guy named Howard Schnellenberger, who was a grand success elsewhere but a quick failure at Oklahoma. The Sooners fired him after one season and brought in a young upstart named John Blake, whose three-year tenure was an abject disaster. Suddenly, the once-proud Sooners were wandering the wilderness, but were led to salvation by hiring Bob Stoops, who won a national championship in his second season.
The Seinfeldian version of all that? The Sooners once had Barry Switzer, and yada yada yada, along came Bob Stoops.
Ya just gotta watch out for those yadas.
We’re about to find out how many Wisconsin will need.
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