Dear Nikol,
I met someone and started really liking her. But when we started getting more sexual in our relationship, she told me she wants me to smack her around, and that she fantasies about the bruises I will give her.
I’m not making this up. I know this might sound like a sick guy’s fantasies come true, but I really don’t know what to do. I do enjoy being rough in bed and, like Dan Savage says, I try to be GGG (good, giving and game), but if I do this and she enjoys it, I’m afraid that I too might like these role playing seasons and expect it in future relationships.
Help?
– Trying to be GGG
Dear GGG,
To start at the end of your question, I find it interesting that you are already thinking about your future relationships. Way to plan ahead. You must be the type of man who started his retirement fund early.
You probably already know that each person you date or have sex with is going to have a different set of sexual fantasies. You may find yourself repeatedly attracted to a personality type that is more prone to the rough stuff, but even within the realm of rough sex there are a lot of different angles to take.
A lot of people enjoy some pain with their sex. Some draw the line at hair pulling while others like more extreme activities like being cut or burned. Some people like to be called names. It sounds like your girl enjoys having bruises that she can look at and remember how they got there. It also sounds like you wouldn’t be too upset over providing them.
You seem more concerned about what taking part in the bruising says about you. You indicate your feeling that people who slap their girlfriends around in bed, even if they get asked to, are “sick.” You also want to hold back because you are afraid that you will enjoy it a little too much. So the conflict is that you are interested in rough play, but you are afraid of what kind of a person it makes you.
With your current dating situation, should you choose to indulge in the role playing, the first thing you need to determine is why your girlfriend has these desires. If she is emotionally unstable and using these sex games as a way to solidify her negative feelings about herself, she needs to work through those feelings before you can go about hurting her. However, perfectly healthy people like to act things out in the bedroom as a way of fulfilling an unmet need they have in their daily lives.
Once you’re sure you won’t be causing emotional damage with your physical actions, you have to set up very clear communications about how far you should go. Some couples do this by completing a list of things they really like as well as a list of things they have no interest in trying. Beyond that, once you get into bed and start smacking, you have to have a word or phrase that you can use to tell each other that it is time to stop. In these sexual situations “no” doesn’t always mean “no,” so you have to agree beforehand that something like “guacamole” means “no.”
As for being concerned about liking this so much that you will want every future sexual partner you have to also fantasize about getting roughed up, I’m sure you will find a few things to be true. One is that there are plenty of emotionally healthy people out there who also like this kind of thing. The other is that if you are into a person enough to want to have a relationship with them, the two of you will be able to create your own fantasies and they may be very different than what you have with your current girl.
– Nikol
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Questions?
If you have a question for Nikol, you can reach her confidentially at nikolknows@milwaukeemagazine.com. Your anonymity will be protected.
