Dear Nikol,
Issues? Yeah, I guess.
After divorcing my first wife of 14 years (together almost 20), I spent a few years single and dating. Wow, what a shock to find that I was so marketable. It seems that any man around the age of 40 who has a job, can speak English and has no major felonies on his record is solid GOLD. Plus, women of this age – whoa. It’s like all they want to do is have sex.
Anyway, I had it in mind to get married again. Being married is a good way to live. I hooked up with a local woman – beautiful, petite, turned all heads. She’d been married twice. First one eneded over 10 years ago and was short-lived. Second one was rocky, but ended when the poor fellow had an accident at work and was killed.
Long story made slightly less long, she was nutso. I admitted this to myself shortly after tying the knot. Emotionally schizoid. Clingy. Weird. Hurtful and insulting without being aware that she was doing it. Lemme tell ya, I dragged her to counseling, which she hated. And it seemed to make things worse, if possible.
Finally, it ended. And it wasn’t pretty. For her part, she was physically abusing me, and for my part, I was unfaithful. This is the hardest part for me to swallow after the fact. I did it as a way out of. I didn’t have the balls to get out of it in a more honest way. I’m not the man I thought I was, I guess. Less perfect. I’m not sure how I ever got into a relationship with such a person.
My kids are thrilled that I’m divorcing her. They recognized right away that she was a loon, God bless ’em. So here I am, getting my second divorce after only having the marriage last one year.
I’m 41. After where I’ve been, I’m a wreck – emotionally, physically, financially. I’m not the underwear model adonis I was at 38. I’m a pear-shaped dude of middle age. I’m less sure of myself. I’m crawling out of a hole. Here’s hoping I can lose a few pounds, make some new friends, find some positive things to do and pull my shit together.
Is there hope for me? I feel in some ways I still have a lot to offer. But bagagge? My middle name might as well be Samsonite at this point. Who will want to touch that?
– Lots of Baggage
Dear Lots of Baggage,
Well if your middle name is Samsonite, your last name might as well be Guinness, because you are bitter as hell. So, to be completely honest, right now I don’t think you are ready to offer anything to anyone, and that has nothing to do with your pear-shape. I know you may need to cling to thoughts of the future to get you through this tough time, but I think you need to take a look at the past instead.
Not one of us is without blame and we all need to be accountable for our actions. Though you seem remorseful for having sex with someone else, you also still blame the marriage, not yourself, for the affair. And when it comes to your batshit crazy wife, it doesn’t sound like you were well suited for each other or even knew each other well enough to make that call. Of course, she didn’t like you dragging her into therapy! The only time people can properly benefit is if they want to do the work themselves.
Before you go looking for more women at their sexual peak who think you’re solid GOLD (or even sterling silver, given your description of yourself) you need to do one thing that will make you the kind of man that stable, loving women will desire. (I am tempted to say yoga. Yoga is pretty great.) What you need to do is forgive your ex-wife and yourself.
You are holding on pretty tight to all of the stuff that went wrong. Mostly your focus is on her, so start there. Consider the woman you once loved enough to marry. That kind of love for another ought to also lend itself to you being able to let go of all the messed up feelings you had and hope for her happiness and healing one day. Forgiving yourself for the affair will probably come really soon after. Drag yourself into therapy, too.
When this is all done with you will find that your panic about finding someone new will be replaced with something far more attractive than a great ass. You will know your own ability to endure and you’ll stop being so angry. And then? You might even find a relationship that is more than just a place holder.
– Nikol
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Questions? If you have a question for Nikol, you can reach her confidentially at lovesexetc@milwaukeemagazine.com.Your anonymity will be protected.
