As I mentioned in my last post, my wife and I are expecting our first child. Now, I realize that the only time anyone really cared about the birth of someone else’s child, it was three guys, and one of them brought myrrh, but I’ll also assume that, by clicking on “The Daddy Diaries,” you were at least curious.
Now, I know that InsideMilwaukee is a family website, and you can count on me to continue this announcement with the appropriate sensitivity.
You see, when a man and a woman love each other very much, they get married. And when a man and woman get married, it’s kind of like unlocking an iPhone; suddenly they can do all this extra stuff. That’s why we can’t let just anybody do it.
Sometimes, without the man and woman even having to pass a test to prove that they are so much as remotely qualified, in the course of doing “married stuff,” a parasite begins to grow inside the woman, wearing her like costume, and controlling her every move. Among other things, the parasite derives great joy from making its new Pod Woman go to the bathroom every 10 minutes.
The parasite also steals all of the woman’s nutrients, and makes strange hormones surge through her body. Hormones that sometimes make the woman try to suffocate the man with a pillow while he sleeps.
And you can’t get rid of the parasite; you can only wait until it leaves on its own. If you want to see the parasite before it comes out, you have to go to a powerful wizard in a bright white coat who squirts X-ray jelly on the woman. Then, he waves a wand that looks like a tiny belt sander over the alien in her belly.
Then, a magic mirror made by GE Medical shows a picture that looks like an octopus attacking a bunch of grapes.
Anyway, according to the wizard at Columbia/St. Mary’s, the parasite currently wearing my wife is, herself, female, meaning I am woefully outnumbered, and now sleep with one eye open.
Naturally, both my wife and I are pretty nervous, but the way I see it, we’re pretty good dog owners, so why wouldn’t we be good parents? We’ve agreed that we’ll feed her table scraps, pick up her waste and squirt some Frontline on her neck once a month. We disagree, however, on crating. My wife thinks it’s a good idea, but I’m not so sure. I think we can establish the same boundaries with a simple prong collar.
My wife and I also want her to be an anchor baby, so we’re shopping around for cool countries to visit right around her due date. But regardless which country we choose, when she learns to speak, I’m going to teach her to speak in an accent. My wife and I won’t have accents; just her. I think it will be exotic for my wife and I to feel like we’re sitting down to dinner every night with a foreign exchange student.
We’re also going to name her “Doctor.” (If she happened to get a Master’s Degree, then she would be “Dr. Doctor.”) The way we figure it, if your name is “Doctor,” you’re pretty much assured a successful career. Anything to keep her off the pole.
