The Weekly Ups and Downs: Street Lights and CGI Fights

A look back at a week with new candles and cafe closures.

Bar Stank Candles

I remember standing in packed bar, cold brew in hand. “I really think Denis Villeneuve’s cinematic vision of a deterministic existence is remarkably beautiful in a way something so conceptual and cold almost, by definition, can’t be,” I screamed. “Cool, I have to go be over there now, bye,” the lady responded. G-Eazy was blaring on the speakers. A minute later, my beer slipped out of my hand and exploded on the floor. My shoes were soaking wet. I could smell the cologne of the man next to me – it was Axe, and beneath it pure BO. The lady on my right smelled like a toilet that had been filled with peaches. There was vodka in the air, and it burned the nostrils.

Man, just thinking about that night nearly brings a tear to my eye. I miss it so. Well, Miller Lite knows that we miss those days, and they’ve decided to bottle the stank and provide it in candle form. They call their new line of candles “bar smells,” but come on – we all know it’s a stank, not a smell. The candles are shipping at the end of April, but are available for pre-order now in three varieties: Dive Bar, Game Day Bar and Beer Garden. Light them suckers, turn that G-Eazy up so loud your ears bleed, and try desperately to forget you’re gonna die someday – it’ll be just like old times.

 

 

Zack Snyder Loves Wisconsin

The Snyder Cut finally hit screens last Thursday (but we didn’t’ watch it until this weekend, so it counts for this week’s list). The much-anticipated four-hour version of Justice League was about ten times better than the pile of turds we got the first time around, but what really won us over was when Green Bay’s own Zack Snyder slipped a little love for his home state into his magnum opus. For Cyborg’s college football game scene, Gotham City University is locked in epic battle with our own Badgers. We lose, which sucks, but we appreciate the shout out, Mr. Snyder.

COVID Cases Drop in Nursing Homes

One of the most undeniably painful parts of this pandemic has been watching nursing homes turn into infection vectors. It’s horrific. Thankfully,  according to a U.S. Public Interest Research Group survey this past Tuesday, Wisconsin nursing home case were down 47% by February, post-vaccine rollout. That’s good to hear, and we hope it keeps dropping.  

Stone Creek’s Flagship Sinks

Since 1993, Stone Creek Coffee has sat in Whitefish Bay, but this week company founder Eric Resch announced that their time there had ended. The original location is closing on April 18. They still have many other locations, so it’s not the end of Stone Creek by any means, but still, it sucks to hear. Thankfully, Stone Creek isn’t laying anyone off – they’re transferring employees to other locations. So while this is definitely a down for the week, we’re gonna toss a little up to Stone Creek for keeping the people employed.

Paying for Streetlights

Milwaukee needs money, and so they’re charging people for the streetlights now. If you live in the city, your next water bill should arrive with another fee tacked on – $1 per linear foot of the street-front property line, which for the average home is about 40 bucks a year. If you have a corner home though, fear not, they’ll only charge you for the short side, not both. I guess it’s not that much, and I get why the city is doing it, but hear me out. The increase is irritating in principle, because it’s disconnected from actual usage. Unlike water, you can’t turn off your streetlights when you don’t need them. A real thrifty, money-smart guy like me, you see, I don’t shower for months to save that dollar. Can’t do that with this one. Damn.

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Archer is the managing editor at Milwaukee Magazine. Some say he is a great warrior and prophet, a man of boundless sight in a world gone blind, a denizen of truth and goodness, a beacon of hope shining bright in this dark world. Others say he smells like cheese.