The Weekly Ups and Downs: Baseball Bats and Lots of Free Vax

It was a pretty good week in Milwaukee – only one down to report.

Opening Day

Last Thursday, our very own Milwaukee Brewers returned to Miller Pa— uh, American Family Field, for the first game of the new season. And … drumroll … there were people there. In the stands. Watching a sports game. That’s pretty wild. It was 25% capacity, but that’s better than 0%, and look here, you can buy tickets for upcoming games right now. This was way more than just the usual opening day – it’s another ray of sunshine in the eternal darkness. Eternal darkness, in this case, being COVD, and sunshine being breathing on people in public without fear. Frankly, outside of this crazy context, I couldn’t care less about professional baseball, except for the novel The Natural, which is great. 

Irish Fest

Just two weeks ago, we were lamenting the loss of Polish Fest, one in another long line of festivals to fall to COVID. But now by the grace of St. Patrick, we finally have some good news. From Aug. 20-22, Irish Fest will be danny boying its way into our hearts at the Summerfest Grounds. Sure, there may be limited tickets sold, but hey, unlike Festa Italiana, German Fest, Polish Fest and PrideFest, Irish Fest is neither cancelled nor postponed, and we think that’s a good sign.

Want a Vax? Take a Vax

Starting Monday, April 5, you can get a vaccine in the state of Wisconsin, whoever you are. Unless you’re under 16. But if you’re under 16, you shouldn’t be reading stupid internet articles, you should be studying! Do you know how hard your father and I work to put you through school, and you’re in here reading internet articles? Mr. Zoosal said you were the smartest kid in class. I know you were five at the time, but that doesn’t matter. You have potential, and you’re flushing it down the toilet! Close that laptop and open up that Algebra II textbook right now, mister. I know your textbook is on your laptop, I meant close your laptop metaphorically! So rude to your mother. Anyway, I’m going to get my vaccine – I read that everyone older than sixteen is eligible now.

No Tailgating

The flipside of the upside: you can enjoy a Brewers game, but you won’t be crackin no cold ones with the boys in the parking lot. For the time being, no tailgating is allowed at AmFam.

“Wait,” you say. “I won’t be crackin no cold ones with the boys?”

“Nope, sorry,” I reply. “No cold ones with the boys,”

“You’re telling me to my face, right here, no BS, that I won’t be crackin no cold ones with the boys?”

“Sorry. That’s the rules. By fiat of Bernie Brewer, you won’t be crackin no cold ones with the boys.”

“But what’s the point of going to a game if I won’t be crackin no cold ones with the boys?”

“Have you ever read The Natural? Baseball’s a compelling metaphor for the human—”

“Shut up.”



Archer is the managing editor at Milwaukee Magazine. Some say he is a great warrior and prophet, a man of boundless sight in a world gone blind, a denizen of truth and goodness, a beacon of hope shining bright in this dark world. Others say he smells like cheese.