Aaron Rodgers Got a New Tattoo
This week, Aaron Rodgers revealed his new tattoo on Instagram, and it set the internet ablaze. Inked along the inside of his forearm, there are a couple lions, an all-seeing eye, multiple constellations, planets, the ocean, what looks like a fan, a couple … I guess they’re addition signs? It’s pretty hard to explain, just check out the picture. Some people were mocking Aaron’s tattoo as weird and wacky, but as the proud bearer of a full-size back tattoo of Swamp Thing, I think Aaron’s made a wise decision getting this design permanently engraved in his flesh.
Although that all-seeing eye and creepy constellation thing worries me – has our beloved quarterback been taken in by the Free Masons, or some other such secret society like the Illuminati, Skull and Bones or the Arby’s Franchise Owner Club, a group which my inside sources reliably inform me has the meats. If these shadowy elites have corrupted our quarterback, then we have no choice – we have to trade him for … I don’t know … Baker Mayfield? You know what, never mind. I can live with an Illuminati quarterback.
Bobby Portis is Officially Back, Baby
Last week, there was real terror in Milwaukee over the possibility that Bobby Portis might abandon the Bucks. The beloved player has become, in many ways, a face of the franchise despite not being one of the big shots like Giannis, and when he opted out of his contract with the team and became a free agent, people panicked. Much like my first wife, it looked like Portis had had enough and was going to run to another city to find himself. But then, in a manner completely opposite that of my first wife, he remained faithful. This week, Portis signed a new deal for another four years with the Bucks. A beautiful day for all.
It’s time to pick your Milwaukee favorites for the year!
“Joe Pera Talks With You” Was Not Renewed
This hurts. Joe Pera is one of the funniest comedians working right now, and entirely an original. Pera embodies the spirit of a gentle 70-year-old, retired Midwestern man in the body of an awkward 30-something with slightly thinning hair and a pained smile. He walks with a hunch and speaks in the reserved, slightly lispy tones of a longtime choir teacher whose dentures don’t quite fit right. His jokes are quiet, yet hilarious, and his television show on Adult Swim “Joe Pera Talks With You” was the funniest thing on TV for three years. The show followed Pera’s fictional life in the Upper Peninsula, and even had an entire episode dedicated to his trip to Milwaukee (the last scene in the Mitchell Park Domes is awesome).
On Thursday, Pera sent out a little letter saying that the show wasn’t being renewed (although he holds out hope of it returning some day). “The more I learn how TV works, the more I realize that it’s kind of a miracle that our quiet, 11-minute show about rocks, beans, grocery stores and breakfast crews got on the air and lasted as long as it did,” Pera wrote.
I really can’t emphasize how much I liked this show. I watched the first season in one sitting, and felt refreshed, inspired and prepared to live my life as a better, kinder man at the end. (I’m still a piece of trash, but that’s my fault, not the show’s). This stinks, and someone somewhere needs to get Joe Pera back on television.
Riverwest Co-Op’s Café Closed (Temporarily)
This week Riverwest Co-Op Grocery announced that it would close down after July 10. “We sincerely hope that this is not a ‘goodbye,’ but a ‘so long for now,’” the post said. This was a cool business in a cool neighborhood, and this unexpected news is hard to hear. Here’s hoping the grocery will return in the future.
The Weather Hates America and our Freedoms
Storms rolled across southeastern Wisconsin this week, canceling fireworks shows on both the fourth and fifth of July. A great holiday ruined. To quote John Adams, “Henceforth and with great verity forthwith, screw these freakin’ storms, I want to drink outside and watch stuff explode.”
An Alligator Invaded Fond du Lac
There was an alligator found in Long Lake near Fond du Lac last week. No one has any clue how it got there. The beast is 18 to 24 inches long, so technically maybe “beast” is laying it on a bit thick. But still, even a small alligator can do serious damage. J&R Aquatic Animal Rescue took the animal in, after state wildlife officials found it. They are planning to give it to an accredited sanctuary if no one claims it.
In unrelated news, does anyone know if you can get in trouble for poaching an alligator from Florida? What about breeding it with other alligators to create a small alligator army for the purposes of dominating your enemies? And if you happen to lose one of your alligators while running a training drill? Is that technically illegal? Because my lawyer says it’s a gray zone.
