Aaron Rodgers Does a Panchakarma Cleanse
Aaron Rodgers has been making headlines of all kinds these days. But I don’t care about his personal life, and frankly I don’t even care that much about whether or not he’s going to return to Green Bay. What really matters is his interview this week on the “Pat McAfee Show,” in which he revealed that he just came off a 12-day “Panchakarma cleanse.” For those of you who aren’t initiated in the ways of panching your karmas, the cleanse involves cutting out sugars and booze and whatnot from your diet and instead eating rice mix to cleanse “the body of all the unwanted waste after lubricating it.”
Now, I’m just as glad as anyone to know more about the state of Aaron Rodger’s colon, but I would also like to take this opportunity to briefly let you know that I have in fact developed my own cleanse, which I believe is far superior to the Panchakarma. I call it the Greasybootyfudgeslide Cleanse. My patented blend of wild honeyroot, powdered klingnium, crushed flingberry and eight pounds of ex-lax is sure to free your body (and soul) of unwanted waste. Subscribe now to get a monthly dose of this amazing product! Your first month’s supply is only $14.99!
(All proceeding months cost $99.99. You cannot cancel before 12 months. To cancel, you must contact a man named Geronimo in Southern Spain with eight and half copies of the 1092B Cancellation Form, which you can find in the basement of a small building in Northern Indiana, which can only be accessed using a key that is located somewhere that is neither here nor elsewhere. By subscribing to the Greasybootyfudgeslide Cleanse, you sign away all rights to your image, likeness, name, car, house, body, soul and children to the SuperGrease Health Company. No refunds.)
A De Pere Dude is on “Love is Blind”
A son of Wisconsin is repping our state on one of the most popular reality TVs show out there. Shayne Jansen, of De Pere, has spent season two of “Love is Blind” chatting up the ladies with talk of cheese curds, a strategy that all true Wisconsinites should heartily support.
If you don’t know, “Love is Blind” is a show in which attractive people talk to each other without being allowed to see each other, and then after a few chats, they pick who they want to marry. After the proposal, they get to see each other for the first time and decide if they want to go through with the marriage. Can you imagine how depressing this show would be if they threw a few unattractive people in the mix instead of just having all the beautifuls? Seriously. Those last episodes would be dark.
Anyway, Shayne is now engaged to another lady on the show, the finale of which airs on Netflix tonight. I know I’ll be tuning in to cheer on a fellow Wisconsinite! (I actually won’t. Obviously. This show looks unbearable. But hey, let’s be supportive).
A Bald Eagle Is Saved
This week on the Menomonee Reservation, three forestry employees found a bald eagle seriously injured on the side of the road. They brought the bird to the Raptor Education Group in Antigo to treat its internal bleeding. The eagle is still in rough shape, and it’s going to take a few months for it to recover, but they think it’ll be ok. The forestry folks think the eagle was hit by a car.
The symbol for America, thoughtlessly run over and left for dead, then heroically saved at the last minute and now safely recovering from disaster. Let’s hope this story is actually a prophetic metaphor.
An Arrest is Made in the 2001 Theft of a $10 Million Car
In 2001, a 1938 Talbot Lago sports car worth $10 million was stolen from a garage on Marshall Street. This week the Journal Sentinel found out that one of the principal parties allegedly involved in the theft, a Christopher C. Gardner, is currently under arrest in Switzerland. He is facing four counts of wire fraud and one count of transporting a stolen vehicle in international commerce. And at the same time, another legal dispute is playing out between the heir of the man who originally owned the car and a Chicago “dental tycoon” who paid $7.6 million for it in 2015, not knowing it was stolen.
Man, this is why I never leave my 2002 Honda Accord unlocked.
It’s time to pick your Milwaukee favorites for the year!
2022 Has Officially Been Declared the “Year of the Youth,” And I’m Aging Bitterly
This week, Milwaukee County Executive David Crowley announced that he’s declaring 2022, the “Year of the Youth” during his state of the county address. I was 100% in favor of this declaration, until I realized that I’m now 25 and no longer really count as “the youth.” I am now 100% against this declaration, and I will not rest until 2022 is re-declared as the “Year of the Not-Quite-Youth-But-Still-Relatively-Young-I-Mean-It’s-Not-Like-I’m-In-My-30s-Yet.”
Also, have we ever officially decided who has the authority to declare years? Can I get dibs on 2023? I want “The Year of Strange Single Men who Smell like Doritos.”
Ice Everywhere
My driveway on Tuesday morning was slipperier than Jack Sheppard in 1724. Little known fact: The best jokes are ones that you have to look up on Wikipedia to understand.
