I Spent $88.03 at American Science and Surplus

When I walked into American Science and Surplus, I got it right away. One step through the doors, and a strange, slightly alarming, beautiful, anachronistic, vast, overwhelming scene prevailed upon my senses. Within this squat storefront on the South Side was a treasure trove of items both useful and utilitarian and also wildly the opposite of that: rubber chickens, beakers, gas mask containers, pocket knives, remotes, long johns.

I’ve long wanted to visit A.S.S. (…uh, I mean, American Science and Surplus. Boy, I did not realize that acronym until I typed it.) But shamefully, I’ve never been, and for what feels like about fifty-two years, our digital editor has been harassing me to go and write about it. What finally got me out to the 44-year-old store at 68th and Oklahoma, sadly, was the announcement that it was in trouble.

In May, American Science and Surplus launched a GoFundMe to stay in business, citing falling sales and the high cost of moving out of its current warehouse. The campaign quickly gained over $170,000 in contributions, which pretty clearly demonstrates how much Milwaukeeans love … I really can’t use that acronym again.

And now that I’ve been there, let me tell you, I understand what that love is about. The treasure trove of oddballery reminds you within seconds of the joy of in-person shopping. This is no clean-cut Amazon experience, thank God. I walked in with a simple goal – buy $20 worth of interesting things to write about. Within about eight seconds, I realized that I was going to exceed that dollar cap. There was just too much stuff, and I was having too much fun looking at it all, and now probably isn’t the best time but, um, hello editor, hope you’re doing great, would it be possible for me to expense all this? No? Fine.

Long story short, I lost a little self-control. Better that it happen here than at Taco Bell again, I guess. When I finally walked out of American Science and Surplus, I had a membership punch-card nearly halfway to a free $15 purchase and a positively stuffed plastic bag with a foam head sticking out.

Here’s what I bought:

Classic Medieval Gargoyle, 3’’ Tall ($11.50)

I’ve long dodged vampire rumors due to my pale complexion and general disdain for humanity. (Also, I don’t show up in mirrors, but that’s just a genetic thing, according to my Uncle Vlad.) So I bought this little decoration to really lean into the mystique.

Sauce Bottle, Glass 7.5’’ Striped Clear ($1.95)

Beautiful. Think of all the sauce I can unleash on my daily ground chuck dinner with this thing. Barbecue, ranch, buffalo, chipotle mayo – the possibilities are endless.

Mega Stretch Earthworm ($6.45)

I’ve been flopping this sucker all over the place. It’s incredibly unsettling.

7 Oz. Stainless Steel Hip Flask ($4.95)

Not too much to say about this one. Just needed something to get me through the family reunion next week.

East German Olive Drab Leather Tanker Helmet liner ($12.50)

I messed up on this purchase. I thought I was buying a West German Olive Drab Leather Tanker Helmet, which obviously would have been more useful in my daily life. Should have read the label more closely. Dang.

Bottle, 6 Oz. Clear Glass, w/Cork ($0.49)

Only $.49! I’m about to cork so many six-ounce liquids.  

Stretchy Cat Hand Puppet ($8.75)

There’s something wildly untoward about this stretchy-faced feline approximation. It disturbs me and fascinates me in equal measure.

Gross Noise Putty in a Jar, Assorted Colors ($2.95)

OK, yeah, the noise is pretty gross.

Pop-Up Squirrel Stress Relief Tree Stump ($3.40)

This might be the first stress relief toy that actually works for me. Look at the way the little squirrel pops up! It’s delightful! Hey there, little guy. Are you also beset by misery and pain and a gnawing sense of hopeless? I sure hope not.

Classic Whoopee Cushion 8.5’’ ($2.95)

You might think I bought this to prank people. That is not the case. I actually bought it so I have plausible deniability. I’ve just been keeping it in my pocket so I can take it out and be like, “Oh, ha ha. Just this whoopee cushion.” 

Slide Whistle 6.875’’ Plastic/Steel ($4.25)

I’ve been following my wife around the house, playing this whenever she drops something. Just kidding – I have no wife. I’m incredibly alone. Possibly in part because I spend my disposable income on crap like this instead saving up for, like, a house or whatever.  

Uh Oh … Emergency Underpants in a Tin ($4.95)

How have I never heard of this before? It’s compact, portable, easy to use. The second you’re in a little trouble, boom! Emergency Underpants to the rescue. Human ingenuity is a beautiful thing. 

Classic Floating Ball Game ($5.25)

I was going to buy the Desktop Cornhole game they had for sale, but it nearly cost $20, and I was already digging myself a financial hole, so I settled on this cheaper tabletop game. Cornhole, it is not. But fun it still is.

Sharpener, Pencil, Nose ($1.95)

I am damn near 30 years old and this makes me giggle.

1-2’’ Quartz Rose Crystal ($1.10)

This was one of many gems, geodes, stones, etc. that were available. I chose it because it had sharp edges that I figured I could use in a self-defense situation.

Paul Molitor Baseball Card ($.25)

The Ignitor!

Head, Styrofoam ($7.95)

…I shouldn’t have bought this. I can feel it watching me. I don’t want to talk about it.