BY BRIANNA SCHUBERT AND ARCHER PARQUETTE
When Milwaukee Mag Managing Editor Archer Parquette told me yesterday that the Oriental Theatre is doing “The Exes Tour,” featuring films that star Taylor Swift’s ex-boyfriends, I decided as the resident Swifie I’d be failing the entire fandom – not to mention the city of Milwaukee – if I didn’t at least contribute to the conversation. And since my boi Archie P is our resident movie buff, it made sense that instead of me just talking about Swift for hours on end, we bridged the two worlds of Swifties and filmies together and had a conversation.
Brianna Schubert (associate digital editor): Before we jump into this, I need to start by saying that Taylor Swift is so much more than her ex-boyfriends. As a feminist and a Swiftie, I needed to put that disclaimer out into the world.
Archer Parquette (managing editor): I agree. Personally, I hate when people judge me by the dozens (if not hundreds) of beautiful women I’ve dated over the years.
BS: Right. So, in the world of Swiftdom, there’s a lot going on right now. We have Taylor Swift: The Eras Tour movie playing in theaters (including at the Oriental Theatre), 1989 (Taylor’s Version) coming out this Friday, the whole *hand gestures* whatever with Travis Kelce and, of course, “Cruel Summer” just hit number one on the Hot100. It’s pretty genius for the Oriental Theatre to capitalize on all that.
It’s time to pick your Milwaukee favorites for the year!
AP: I can’t speak to almost any of that. I’m pretty indifferent to Taylor Swift. (But also smart enough to never say anything bad about her, lest an army of furious Swifties beat me to death.) Movies, on the other hand, are something I know quite a lot about. And when I saw the Oriental’s “Exes” lineup, I was impressed. Taylor’s exes have made some pretty awesome movies.
BS: What movies are you most excited about that they’re playing? Also, what’s the distinction between a movie and a film because I lowkey don’t know.
AP: A movie is like, hey look at me, I got my popcorn and my soda, and a film is like, hey look at me, I got my camembert and my sweater. You know what I’m saying?
BS: Makes sense.
AP: Ok, so here’s the lineup: Twilight, Dunkirk, Crimson Peak, Zodiac, Donnie Darko, Enemy, and Nocturnal Animals. First, I gotta admit I’ve never seen Twilight.
BS: Wait, WHAT?!
AP: Yup. I think I was twelve when that movie came out? And I thought I was too cool for it. In retrospect, I can assure I was not too cool.
BS: I honestly can’t say you’re missing out on too much, except maybe one of the most referenced movies of our generation. But whatever. I’m just thinking about how it’s a crime that Disney Channel Original Camp Rock didn’t make the cut. Joe Jonas plays the bad boy rocker. It’s a classic.
AP: Speaking of Joe Jonas, look at what I found. Taylor Swift dated someone my height once! Joe’s 5’8’’! I feel like that’s a win for us little guys. … Although she never dated anyone that short ever again for the rest of her life. And Travis Kelce is 6’5’’. So … huh. Anyway, the lineup of non-Twilight movies at the Oriental is pretty great. First off, let’s talk Dunkirk with Harry Styles. A phenomenal WWII movie, one that absolutely should be seen in a theater with a big, impressive soundsystem. I think it’s Nolan’s best movie. (No offense to Mr. Oppenheimer … although, honestly, some offense to him.)
BS: I gotta be honest I haven’t seen it. Frankly, I haven’t seen any of the movies in “The Exes Tour” lineup. And yeah, you are pretty short.
AP: Damn it, Brianna. Not a single one?! This is ~cinema~! Although, I guess I haven’t listened to any Taylor Swift albums…
BS: WHAT! First of all, I know that’s not true. You definitely listen to at least some of her songs. And second, you really should listen to Reputation because it matches your hardcore vibe. Anyways, what other movies are you excited about?
AP: OK, so Dunkirk isn’t even the best movie in this lineup. I absolutely love Nocturnal Animals, Zodiac, Donnie Darko and Enemy. (So I guess the Jake Gyllenhaal ones.) They’re all great, and all for different reasons. Enemy is probably the weirdest movie in the lineup (although Donnie Darko gives it a run for its money.) I remember watching it in college, lying in bed on my phone. I knew it was directly by Denis Villeneuve, whose Arrival I enjoyed, and that was about it. It’s about a professor who runs into his double – a guy who looks exactly like him. The ending made me POOP MY PANTS. Not literally. I didn’t literally poop. But I almost did.
BS: Well, that is a lot of information.
AP: Zodiac is one of David Fincher’s best movies. It’s all about the hunt for the Zodiac killer – Gyllenhaal plays a reporter. Mark Ruffalo and Robert Downey Jr. are also both great in it.
And Nocturnal Animals. Man, that movie left me in tears. Amy Adams is amazing. Jake Gyllenhaal has made some great movies. He’s so awesome. I mean, he’s arguably the best looking dude I’ve ever seen. And unbelievably talented! Why hasn’t he won an Oscar yet? Plus, he’s so charming! Have you ever watched a compilation of his interviews? The man’s hilarious. … Am I in love with Jake Gyllenhaal?
BS: You know Swifties have the most beef with Jake Gyllenhaal out of all the exes, right?
AP: No?
BS: Oh yeah, her song “All Too Well (10 Minute Version) (Taylor’s Version)” was made into a short film that was loosely based on him absolutely shattering her heart, stepping on it, picking it back up and throwing it out the window when she was in her early 20s. It’s arguably the best song she has ever written and became her official foray into film, though, so maybe it was a blessing in disguise.
AP: Oh … uh … are the Swifties going to be mad at me now? I swear I didn’t know. I just like the guy’s movies.
BS: I guess we’ll leave that up to karma.
AP: I’m scared. … But you said that got her into film. Has she done much movie stuff?
BS: Well, she did a vocal acting role in the Lorax in 2012 – cute movie. And then of course there was Cats. We don’t talk about Cats. And then didn’t you say she was in Amsterdam? I never saw it.
AP: Yeah, for about twenty seconds. She gets hit by a car and dies.
BS: Ope. Wait wait, back to the exes. Are you going to go see any of these movies at the Oriental?
AP: Nocturnal Animals and Enemy, for sure. Dunkirk probably. Donnie Darko too, maybe? Man, I’m getting kinda excited.
BS: Well, I think I’ll go watch The Eras Tour movie again while you go to these ones. It seems like this whole “Exes Tour” might ultimately be more for the filmies than the Swifties after all.
