The day known as St. Valentine’s was near. Not that Prince Pauper had ever met Valentine (or for that matter any saints). Still, he knew that the 14th day of February would arrive with a dawn filled with sweetness and light. The Prince had a serious sweet-tooth, less serious since his teeth numbered but three (his dentist warned him!), but he could still gum chocolates with the best of ‘em. Caramels were a bit problematic however.
And so it is, in early February we find The Prince in the Royal Scullery bent over mountains of cast-iron pots, sticky stuff up to his elbows, chocolate smeared hither and yon. “This will be a batch to beat all batches,” he said, smacking his sugary lips. “One final batch for the red satin heart-shaped box that weighs in at 299 lbs., one pound less than I weigh,” he smirked. “Each foil wrapped candy surprise is precisely one pound. You do the math,” said The Prince to no one in particular. Known for his thrift, he’d spent a decade saving the foil from packs of Juicy Fruit, and he hoped to never chew another wad.
The handmade satin box includes a handwritten “map” detailing the particular type of candies in the box and, let it be said, that no two pieces taste exactly the same – close, but not exactly so. Coming up with 299 varieties wasn’t a piece of cake. For example, here’s a sample: clever caramels made from the milk of certified virgins, truffles truffled from the ears of sows and the tails of turtles, taffy pulled into peculiar shapes resembling body parts (lemon lips, lime eyeballs, orange noses – and the newest flavor, baked potato shaped like a baked potato) and chocolate (ten kinds, including hemlock and warfarin). See there nestle assorted rows of cherries dipped in this and that, licorice whips that warble “I Ain’t Got No Body” when devoured, jawbreakers laced with strychnine (they double as ping-pong balls), and well, I can’t think of any box of Valentine sweets that comes close to the box devised by The Prince who lived on the hill in a castle where nothing much ever happened but death and taxes. Alas, The Prince spent his days watching cooking shows. In fact, he was considering starting one of his own.
In the valley below, innocent citizens were busy baking piles of heart-shaped stuff, making eco-friendly Valentine candles from ear wax, and generally running about draping red crepe paper on every place, from tombstones to turrets. Word had reached the valley that The Prince (beloved he was), would, this year (for the first time), send forth an enormous red satin box filled with candies made by his very own princely hands. It was a grand gesture, for never before had he shown any love whatsoever for the villagers, though now and then a comely miss would disappear from the fern filled glades where maids are wont to romp.
Valentine’s Day dawned as expected and The Prince roused from his sugar-induced sleep, staggering forth to roll the red satin heart-shaped box down the hill. He did that and it landed with a hearty “Thawump!” at the feet of the frolicking citizenry, who promptly ripped off the satin lid and tore into the rows and rows and rows of culinary delights devised by The Prince. Because the box weighed (I mentioned this earlier) 299 lbs., and the valley residents numbered exactly 299, each citizen was allotted exactly one candy weighing (I’ve mentioned this before)….one pound. More or less that’s the way it worked. Alas, greed being what it is, half of the citizenry took out their bows and arrows and shot the other half dead, leaving 299 one-pound sweets to be equally divided among the still living and un-bloodied one-hundred forty nine (and one-half residents) who fought to the death until only one valley resident was left alone with a single, one-pound. piece. Unfortunately, it was a gigantic chocolate cashew dipped in layers and layers of strychnine. Well, the rest is history.
By day’s end there was naught but dead silence in the valley, thus giving The Prince quiet aplenty so as to better work out the details of his cooking show. He thought perhaps he’d focus on the art of making candy. Or maybe not. He had some ideas about making the perfect Irish stew.
