I had an interesting conversation recently. While chatting with friends, I admitted that sometimes I get a little “spent” with writing this blog. If the subject matter is pulling at the heartstrings a bit too much, I feel it. And while my significant other knows, and sees, the effects of any and all my posts, I have rarely let others in on my own personal blog backlash.
Sometimes I just need a nap. Other times I don’t want to get out of bed.
So why do it? Why do I put myself through the emotional ringer and share with others? Some days the answer isn’t immediately evident. While I’ve admitted in this blog that I am an extrovert, my past reads more as a cautionary handbook to life; putting up walls to safeguard myself from revealing and sharing too much. And I found being on one side of the wall, while the rest of the world was on the other, lead to a pretty lonely and unsatisfying life. I always felt something was missing. Someone was missing. I was missing.
I began getting twitchy. I could feel something needed to happen to break my wall down, but I couldn’t figure out what it was. I kept thinking someone would come barreling through the wall, pick me up, and carry me to the place I was supposed to be (more of that fairy tale bullshit). I gave all my energy and resources to this fallacy. And guess what happened? The walls stood firm.
It wasn’t until the twitch turned into an all-consuming, misguided, anger at the fantasy –man for not arriving to break down my wall, that my subconscious finally said, “Enough is enough. Stop being angry all the time. You’ve had a sledgehammer next to you for years, why don’t you use it yourself?”
Funny. Who knew I all I needed was my own personal Fight Club to break down the wall.
I’m not going to lie to you. The other side of the wall was scary at first. I was now “out there;” out in the world without a safety net, or rather wall, to shield me. I was eager and solely-focused with getting my life going in a happier place, so I wasn’t fully prepared for what I call the “pelting” of others. Not a full-fledged scene from “The Lottery;” this pelting was the result from harsh words, discouragement, and downright pettiness. Let’s face it…some people in this life are mean. I tried to understand that maybe mean people are mean because they are stuck behind their walls like I was. I truly tried to give people the benefit of the doubt as they threw their misdirected anger stones. When I felt I was a target one too many times, I started to think maybe life wasn’t all that bad behind the wall and tried to build another one.
But then I remembered the twitch and my subconscious took the wheel of my bus and said, “There is no way in hell we are going back behind that wall. Figure it out.”
Man my subconscious can be a forceful one.
Now, I’m not one of those pie-in-the-sky dreamers who think,“Everything will work out.” I’m more of the belief if I want things to work out in the end, I have to put in the work in the beginning. So I resisted picking up that brick and mortar, and began more of a dodge-and-weave approach to the pelting. It wouldn’t hurt if I didn’t let it stick.
And this is when more of my Sunday Boyfriends came, and/or reappeared, in my life. They had been living out loud in a world without walls for years, were now right in front of me instead of hiding behind my wall. It’s a similar feeling, I think, to what it must be like to find the hidden pirate treasure that has been your life’s quest. My walls came down, I let people in, and I discovered the twitch was the feeling, the yearning to connect.
Getting back to answer, “What do I get out of having Sunday Boyfriends?” I get the unapologetic assurance of always knowing there are people in my corner that will be with me when I fall on my face (I hope they all know this is a two-way feeling). I get the challenge of pushing myself to be type of person I want to be when faced with moments to step up, learn more, and listen. I get new discoveries into what it means to be living your life out loud. I get more fun and fulfilled with connections with great people. I get to live life never having to feel that twitch again.
So if you are one of the people out there who has told me, or thinks, having a Sunday Boyfriend isn’t your cup of tea; that Sunday Boyfriends are only for people who can’t make up their minds; that having a Sunday Boyfriend makes you selfish…I encourage you to look down and use the sledgehammer that’s been next to you all along.
I put myself through the emotional ringer and share the antics of my comfortable, always there for you SBs because I want more of you to know what’s it’s like to be living your days twitch-free.
As always, stay comfy; be good to yourself and your Sunday Boyfriends.
More information on Sunday Boyfriend may be found at the Sunday Boyfriend blog, the SB Facebook page, and SB Twitter account.
