“Upon the first goblet he read this inscription – Monkey wine; upon the second, Lion wine; upon the third, Sheep wine; upon the fourth, Swine wine. These four inscriptions expressed the four stages of drunkenness: the first, that which enlivens; the second, that which irritates; the third, that which stupefies; and finally the last, that which brutalizes,” Victor Hugo, 1802-1885, Les Miserables, VI, 9.
Until the modern advent of the screw cap, corks were the most efficient way to close off a wine bottle. Removing the barked closure, to me, is the promising portent of practically perfect palate pleasure (more alliteration). Originally called bottle-screws, cork screws were invented in England betwixt 1630 and 1675, where they were used not only for beer and cider but also for wine (Ever so civilized, those British).
Removing the cork, for many, can be either simple or daunting. It is rumored that German soldiers in WWII, whenever they uncovered a trove of wine, gleefully snapped off the necks of the bottles against their tanks, joyously glugging the contents. Lingering glass shards were regarded as added texture or roughage, I’m certain.
There is a heady and seemingly endless arsenal of wine bottle openers, from the crude ones of earlier centuries to the modern engineering marvels of today. What follows is a quick presentation of a sampling of today’s cork screws. I was greatly aided in this task by Mike Greguska, the hard 
working proprietor of Discount Wines and Liquors in downtown Waukesha, and one of the best operators in Milwaukee.
1. The Screwpull, $29.99: Developed by an engineer in Texas, I believe, who truly wanted to create a better mouse trap. To make things easy, he coated the self-centering screw itself with Teflon. To use it, rest the sides of the unit on the neck of the bottle, turning the handle. The screw will automatically align on the cork and gently, easily remove the cork. This oil engineer had it
all together back in 1979!
2. Screwpull pocket cork screw, $19.99: With classic and clever design, all components of this are snapped together and may be assembled for action in a jiffy. Use similarly to above unit.
3. Rialto, double-action waiter’s cork screw, $7.99: With a Teflon screw for ease of use, this has two levers – one to begin removing the cork halfway and the other to seal the deal completely. Ah, those 
clever Italians!
4. Torino cork screw, $5.99: This ergonomic black beauty has a built-in foil cutter and lever to rest on the bottle, easing the cork out of the bottle.
5. Double-winged cork puller, $6: Familiar to many of us, this plastic cup fits at the top of the bottle while one eagerly twists the upper ring until the 
screw is thoroughly into the cork. By then, both “wings” will be flying above the bottle. Pressing them down gently will lift the cork.
6. Ghidini Cipriano Linea Daily, $4.79: This is the Italian version of my
favorite cork puller, the “Ah So,” which was patented in 1879. I first encountered the Ah So in California in the 1970s, when most of my winemaker friends were using them with great excitement and enthusiasm. To use, simply insert the longer metal prong into the side of the cork, then the other prong on the other side until it is fully inverted. Then, using a gently rocking motion, lower the Ah So into the cork until the upper handle almost touches the bottle neck. Then, gently extract the cork. This opener is ideal for simple, fun, work, and it’s marvelous for older bottles of wine with fussy, finicky corks that need to be removed without fear of breaking them with a conventional cork screw.
7. Not shown but available is Corkpops, $19.99: This little puppy has a needle and a CO2 cartridge and looks like the stuff out of a James Bond movie. When inserted through the cork and the button is pressed, the resultant pressure eases out the cork. Each cartridge is effective for more than 50 bottles. Use on Champagne at your own peril.
Cheers!
