So the Milwaukee Brewers were off Monday night, and what’s a sports fan to do?
Watch the College World Series? For a while, perhaps, but man can take only so much pinging. Call me when they switch to wooden bats.
Get the lowdown on the divorce of “Jon & Kate Plus Eight”? Such a shame. One more kid and the baseball team was set. I hear Jon was hoping for a southpaw.
Naw… the Sports Nut went the intellectual route for a change. He found the History Channel. And in the process, he struck gold.
See, History Channel airs an intriguing series called “Life After People.” Basically, the show pretends that everyone on the planet vanishes simultaneously. Even Joe Morgan. (So yeah, there’s a bright side.) Then the show tells you what happens to everything left behind – a day later, a year later, a hundred years later, and so on.
And what’s this have to do with Milwaukee sports? Plenty. Because in Monday night’s episode, Chicago literally crumbled. Especially Wrigley Field.
It was a Brewers fan’s dream come to life. There were the Friendly Confines being done in by some not-so-friendly vines. Take away the groundskeepers, you see, and Wrigley’s ivy goes crazy. It completely swallows the bleachers, though tragically, no drunks remain in its path.
But the ivy won’t get to have all the fun. According to people who study these things, termites will take out Wrigley’s iconic center-field scoreboard. And some shrub called buckthorn will do the real heavy lifting by destroying the entire playing field. So says Liam Henegan of DePaul University.
The way Liam sees it, birds will eat some buckthorn fruit, then spread the seeds in a very distinct manner. Our fine feathered friends will “essentially have bird diarrhea,” Henegan says, and “very quickly disseminate the plant.”
And with no grounds crew around to tend the field, it’ll go buckthorn wild. As in 20-feet high. “You won’t be able to walk through it,” Liam says, “never mind throw a ball through there.”
That’s right, folks. Wrigley’s pristine infield will be done in by bird poop. And now you know the real reason there’s a roof on Miller Park.
So maybe the Brewers have fallen out of first place. Maybe they’ve lost nine of their last 13 games. Maybe the pitchers have started throwing like Howard Stern’s Gary Dell’Abate.
But cheer up, Milwaukee. The Chicago episode airs again on June 30 at 10 p.m. Set your DVRs now.
So the significant other’s sick of your sports? Make it up to them with the help of our new Moviegoer column.
And tune in every Tuesday morning at 6:25 when I join Doug Russell and Mike Wickett on SportsRadio 1250 AM for Tuesdays with Howie. You can also find the segments in their Audio Vault.
