Anorexia. Bulimia. It was ME.
On and off throughout my 20s, I struggled with eating disorders. I never properly dealt with things in my past. My parents divorced and my mother moved to Australia to remarry when I was 20. My father passed away from ALS just months later. I felt very alone. To make things worse, I was in an abusive relationship for 4+ years. Instead of managing these emotions and seeking help, I turned to what I knew how to do.
Control. I felt so OUT OF CONTROL with the things that happened in my life. But one thing I COULD feel in CONTROL OF was my intake of food. There were times where I was anorexic. My abusive boyfriend of 4+ years would tell me often that I was fat and point out my flaws. Not to mention the pressure women feel in general to feel desirable and to look like the women in Hollywood that you see on the covers of each tabloid magazine at the check out counter, in the movies, and on tv. It’s everywhere. Pressure! I would withhold from food. Some days doing only 500 calories… or even less.
There were a few periods in my dark decade where I was bulimic. I would eat a disgusting amount of food in the privacy of my home and immediately regurgitate it. It got so out of control I was doing this with my breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks and would even throw up at work or in a restaurant bathroom. Sometimes throwing up 5-10 times a day.
Both eating disorders are extremely shameful, private and secretive…. not to mention dangerous. You KNOW deep down it’s wrong and completely unhealthy, but it gives you a sense of ‘being in control’ of a life you feel helpless and stressed out in, and it’s a way to achieve the dangerous weight that women feel they need to compare to.
When I was bulimic, I would experience heart palpitations. I would shake. I needed to carry makeup with me to reapply my makeup because I would cry out of disgust with myself when I was done. My throat always hurt and so did my stomach muscles.
When I was anorexic, I would tell people I already ate, when really I hadn’t, I just didn’t want to consume more calories that day. I ate small bites, smaller than suggested servings and didn’t enjoy life. I felt weak. I was crabby. Stressed out. Tired. And very cold all the time.
I was constantly looking at myself in the mirror. My eyes would go to what wasn’t ideal instead of focusing on all the things that were thin how I wanted them to be. I never felt satisfied.
For 4+ years of my life, I was controlled, manipulated and emotionally beat down from my ex boyfriend. He would tell me that I could be thinner, how I should get breast implants because I had a small chest, he would tell me how my butt was too big, how my hair wasn’t long enough, how I needed a nose job, that I needed to exercise more. Even told I wasn’t beautiful… and would oogle at celebrities, ‘man magazine’s’ and pornography instead.
I was in comparison with what the world deemed as beautiful. Stars that are a size 0. Long hair. Tan. Skinny. Fit. Toned. So what did I do? I wore hair extensions. I fake baked and got weekly spray tans. I even had several appointments with a plastic surgeon to look into breast augmentation. Thankfully, I never went through with it!
Being extremely thin is dangerous. It is not red carpet glamorous feeling in the least bit.
It was a depressing, shameful, private, and an isolating battle between me and satan.
I did not seek help or treatment from a professional. I confessed my sin to God in prayer and promised Him I would never do these destructive behaviors ever again. God made me beautiful. He makes us all unique. There is no need to measure up to what the world deems is beautiful.
God made me to look like who I AM, not to fit in with the way everyone else looks.
I am healthy, healed, and recovered by the grace of God.
Please note, I am in no way minimizing the importance of other women needing medical or professional help with their eating disorders. Each sufferer is different in their struggle. I personally, having had a relationship with God already when I was struggling with this, I knew it was wrong, and I needed God’s accountability to overcome my sickness.
The reason I chose to write about this, is because women struggle with their weight and with their appearance. Most women do, it’s just a fact. Women have body image issues! Whether you are reading this and have an eating disorder, or you don’t love the way you look… know that your body is just a shell. God made our shells all unique, different and in His image. Perfect. God made our inside even more beautiful.
Our exterior will wither, fade and deteriorate… but our heart and our spirit will never die.
There is a new series that airs tomorrow night: Friday, December 2nd at 9pm on Lifetime called “Starving Secrets” with Tracey Gold. She was Carol Sever on Growing Pains. She struggled with eating disorders 20 year ago and is fully recovered and is sharing her story, struggles and is helping SIX different women with various eating disorders overcome them and love themselves. It looks like a powerful show for all women to watch. Not just women with eating disorders, but all women who struggle with body image issues and live in constant criticism with their bodies. I don’t have cable TV which it airs on, but it appears from their website you will be able to watch full episodes online. Please check out the link below for more information. Please tune in ladies or set your DVR for recording this and watch it when you have time.
Most of all, if you ARE living with an eating disorder: Anorexia, Bulimia, Overeating… I encourage you to give it to God and seek help. It’s dangerous, unhealthy and God wants a better life for you. Give yourself a better life.
If anyone wants to talk anonymously, please send me a message and I will be happy to talk with you, too 🙂 I promise to keep it confidential.
