I’ll let you in on a little secret: in high school my friends voted me most likely to become a nun. I know. Ridiculous. Remember, I admitted reinventing myself several times. And when I say “reinvent,” I’m not saying I changed myself into something new; moreover I’m saying I figured out ways to let the real me out. Most of my friends had no idea I struggled with the feeling of being a trapped Janis Joplin in a Holly Hobby world while trying to redefine the good-girl definition.
It’s probably better to say Janis was suppressed. I say suppressed because I grew up in the midst of situations that required me to become an adult early. And let’s face it, Janis leaned more towards anarchy than responsible adult. So she didn’t come out much. I’m not alone with this. Many kids face situations, more difficult than mine was, all the time; situations that limit their character development. In my case, I learned early that in order to survive in a world surrounded by frustration and anger, I needed to be as “perfect” as possible; getting the best grades, excelling at whatever extra-curricular activity I could, behaving properly, keeping quiet. All in an effort for (what seems to contradict) praise and to stay under the radar. Hey I know my parents did they best they could. They had their issues. Who doesn’t, right? It’s easier now to see what was what rather than when you’re knee deep in muck. But during this time I took copious mental notes. Notes on what relationships should be; notes on what happens when you become confident, vocal. One of the few friends I let in on my secrets and dreams was my Email Sunday Boyfriend. He was, for all intents and purposes, my first Sunday Boyfriend.
My Email SB and I became friends the end of our sophomore year in high school. What drew us together were his friendships with my girlfriends. He loved girls. He loved hanging around us, laughing with us, and listening to us. He was tall, athletic, and smart. But more importantly, he was a good listener. I remember many all-night conversations discovering I wasn’t the only one who grew up under less than stellar conditions. I’ve never told him just how much that unleashed the freedom for me to let go of the idea I was alone. We were empathetic friends. Knowing he was in my corner, I relied on him more than he knows.
We remained friends throughout high school, college, and beyond. When my father passed away and family secrets were unleashed and wreaked havoc on my psyche, my Email SB was there for me. Years later, in the here and now, I continue to be grateful for those acts of kindness.
Because of the years’ worth of trusted confidences, I considered my Email SB one of my closest friends. So close that after college, we decided to become roommates. As friends this seemed like a no-brainer; we had things in common, respected each other, and had fun sharing stories. But then something happened. We started to argue over things I’m still not really sure about or why. But when the arguments started, my environment began feeling similar to how I grew up…lots of frustration and anger.
But this time I wasn’t going to be silent. I was now an adult and free to make all my own choices and free to fall on my face with my mistakes. And I wanted to make more mistakes. I wanted more Janis and less Holly. But that eagerness to be the person I was denying myself from being overshadowed some common problem-solving sense. Stubborn is the word that comes to mind. Now I wasn’t alone in this. My Email SB was just as stubborn about wanting to be right about an argument that I’m still not sure why we were having. I mean, I know what we said, but I don’t know why. But rather than give in and look at what we were doing to our friendship, we spent 15 years apart. Just…like…that.
And over the course of those 15 years, there were many instances when I felt alone and unsure and sorely missed my Email SB and his advice. I equate it to Rocky going back to his corner after a tough round and not seeing Mickey. I have often thought our friendship ending fight was a major turning point in my life. Hard lessons learned. In those 15 lost years we both went through losses and wins; events that we will never be able to share with one another. And for my part in those missed opportunities, I will always carry a great sadness.
So what does one do when they want to change directions? First, you get off the bus you’re currently on to really examine if you’re going in the direction you want. And in regard to my friendship with my Email SB, I decided I didn’t want to be upset and silent anymore. Fifteen years of stubbornness was long enough…too long. So I took a risk and chose to get on another bus going the opposite direction. I contacted him prior to our 20th high school reunion in an effort to clear the air, but with the hope we would be able to find our way back to being friends.
And in the give and take conversation, it was clear we both missed the friendship. But to get to a new beginning, we needed to address both our mistakes. And we did. And we needed to be honest with the feelings we sorted out the last 15 years. And we were. And we needed to make it clear, that in order for our friendship to work this time, we need to be willing to work hard to understand who each of us is now, not then…and we are doing just that.
So here it is, my Q& A Session with my Email Sunday Boyfriend. His answers, as is the case with all my SBs, are uniquely his own.
Me: Boxers or briefs?
Email SB: Boxers. When you’re 40 and, well, let’s just say not quite at your high school playing weight, it’s definitely boxers. Come to think of it, if you’re older than 12…it’s boxers.
Me: Pool or pond?
Email SB: One of the best movies ever made. It seriously shocks me that you know this movie. I never knew you have seen Caddyshack, much less quote it. Definitely pool.
Me: What do you like about being a SB?
Email SB: Really since high school, women have always been my best friends. I like the fact that I can be a friend with a different perspective. Too many times, women only talk to women about problems/issues. Men can give a whole different viewpoint that women would never think of and vice versa.
Me: What do you dislike about being a SB?
Email SB: Let’s face it…men are men. We constantly think about sex. So if we are friends with a woman, we will be thinking about it, fantasizing about it, with that friend. So, it can be a battle to put that out of your mind. It’s not that you really want to act on it, but the image is there.
Me: How does your significant other react to you being my Sunday Boyfriend?
Email SB: She is bothered by it a little bit, but not jealous of it. She didn’t know me when you and I first started to be friends. She only knows you as the friend that I had a monstrous blowup with, then went 15 years without speaking and now communicate regularly by email/FB. It’s a bit confusing to her, since the one good male friend that she had through college doesn’t talk to her anymore because his wife won’t allow it. The best part of her is that again, she is not jealous of it. She knows that I tell her everything, so it doesn’t worry her at all.
Me: Okay, be honest now, do you read the blog? If so, what is your favorite post and why?
Email SB: I do read the blog, every week. Seriously. I don’t have one favorite post. Generally, I like the posts where I can tell that the conversation we have had in the weeks before the post have helped make your life a little happier. It’s just always nice to know that something I have said has made a difference to you.
Me: What is the single most important thing you look for in a SG?
Email SB: At this point in my life, the most important thing is I need the SG to commit to being my friend. With family and my work schedule, I just don’t have a lot of free time. So if I am willing to commit to the friendship, I need the SG to commit too. It probably wasn’t always that way, especially when I was younger. Back then, I just wanted to know that a female took notice of me.
Me: How many other SGs do you have or had; and why did the relationship(s) end (if applicable)?
Email SB: I have one, and that’s you. In my younger days, I might have had three or four. I have a friend where she and I still talk or get together with our spouses very occasionally, but I think we have drifted out of an SB/SG relationship. I think that’s really the reason they all ended. Once one or both of us have moved away, we just drift apart. When you don’t have the ability to stay in physical contact, life just gets in the way. That’s what I find so fascinating about you and me. That hasn’t happened here, mainly because I don’t want it to and neither do you.
Me: What was your first impression of me? You can be honest…really.
Email SB: You were the really shy, really redheaded girl who laughed a lot, but never said anything. Which is ironic because, once we became friends, being silent was never an issue for you again!
Me: What three adjectives best suit you?
Email SB: Family-focused. Aggressive. Self-doubting.
Me: What does a great Sunday Boyfriend date verses a great Significant Other date look like to you?
Email SB: They are very similar; it’s just the great SB date doesn’t end the evening in bed. Great dates of any sort, at least in my mind, involve a chance to connect. Because of that, I’ve always been partial to meals as part of a great date because it’s just the two of us talking, laughing…you know, connecting. I guess I just like things when they are simple. If you can’t connect, then it doesn’t matter what you are doing, it’s just dull.
Me: It’s a typical Saturday night…whatcha doing?
Email SB: Just enjoying the evening with my significant other. Our weeks are busy (like everyone else) and that’s usually the one night where there is nothing going on and we can just be. I like those nights.
Quick fire choices…
Me: Smarts or looks?
Email SB: Smarts. The problem with looks is that when the sex starts to get routine, then what? What can you talk about? It gets pretty boring very quickly.
Me: Funny or money?
Email SB: Funny. This one is a lot closer for me than the smarts or looks question. At the end of the day though, life’s too short.
Me: Carefree or planner?
Email SB: Planner. I need to know the schedule.
Me: Fashion or football?
Email SB: This one’s easy, football. I don’t need any more drama in my life.
Me: Movie or concert?
Email SB: Concert.
Me: Jeans or skirts?
Email SB: Hmm, this one is tough. I have to go with jeans. My significant other doesn’t wear many skirts anymore, but when she wears jeans, it’s a turn on. Candidly, when she wears flannel pj’s it’s a turn on…but then again, I am a guy.
Me: Casual or formal?
Email SB: Casual, always.
Me: Pleasing everyone or being true to yourself?
Email SB: Yes. One of my big character flaws for sure.
Me: What is the one thing you think women get wrong about dating? Relationships?
Email SB: The one thing? That’s so hard because there are so many things that women get wrong when it comes to dating. I think the biggest thing most women get wrong is they look for the guys they can “change” and they ignore the guy(s) that are decent to them and many times are friends with them. Women put them in the “friend” box and refuse to think of them in any other way.
The biggest mistake in relationships that women make is a derivative of the dating mistake. It’s the mistake of believing that if you give him enough time and effort, he will change. Well, let me just tell you that I’m not sure of many things, but I am sure that he will never change. If you wait for him to change, hell will freeze first.
Me: What is the one thing you think men get wrong about dating? Relationships?
Email SB: Men focus too much on looks and sex first. Dating is about connecting and building friendships. But too often, it’s just about how fast you can get her in bed.
I think the biggest thing men get wrong in relationships is the “taking her for granted” syndrome. You just begin to expect she will always be there and you forget that you have to cultivate the relationship too. It’s not just up to her.
Me: Name two things that attract you to someone?
Email SB: One: their smile. Is it real or forced? It makes a huge difference. Second: intelligence. I love that my significant other challenges me intellectually. It’s very sexy!
Me: What is your favorite thing in the world to do?
Email SB: You are asking some really tough questions here. It’s very close between playing golf at Pebble Beach and spending a week at Hayman Island, Australia. If someone told me I could do one or the other, but not both…well let’s just say I would not be mistaken for someone who is decisive.
Me: Okay, now think about this one & be honest…What is the best thing about being my SB; and the worst?
Email SB: Best thing: knowing you value our relationship, even to this day. We had a very nasty end to the first phase of our friendship, and over the 15 years of not communicating, it bothered me a great deal. There was no reason for you to reach back out, but you did. And I am grateful for that.
Hmm, worst thing? I think the worst thing is I am one of many. “Many” probably is the wrong word; maybe one of “several.” Back in high school and college I was your only SB, or one of a very view. We just didn’t call it a SB relationship. Yes, I am the jealous type a little bit.
Me: Every time I hear Rick Springfield’s, Jessie’s Girl, and anything by Journey, I think of you. But what song would you like me to add to your SB soundtrack? And, what song(s), if any, remind you of me?
Email SB: I don’t know if I can think of anything for you to add. You think of me during Jessie’s Girl the same way I think about you immediately when I hear the first guitar chords to that song. In my mind, that song belongs to you, probably forever.
Here’s hoping more of us learn that being stubborn limits you in ways you can’t begin to recognize when you’re holding yourself back in the moment. Remember you have a choice. You can always get off the bus you’re on and catch another one going in the opposite direction. What matters most is you take the time to become the person you know you are and take the time to be choosy with whom you want in your corner.
As always…stay comfy and be good to yourself and your Sunday Boyfriends.
