Ah…don’t beat yourself up about it. I’ve had my fair share of slung arrows (with the scars to prove each life changing hit, too). I’m proud of each and every scar…especially the ugly ones. That might sound backwards, but trust me; the ugly hits are the ones that taught me the most. Because here is my philosophy on getting love wrong: If you can’t learn from each relationship, moment, or whatever, then you can’t possibly be in tune with what works for you, nor can you ever fully grasp love’s capabilities.
I should probably define “getting love wrong” a tad better. Number one: allowing yourself to move forward with the scary notion of loving someone isn’t wrong. From my perspective, when you love someone, you are, in some ways, projecting part of the love you have for yourself. So if you love someone who treats you well, then you’ve figured out you deserve to be treated well…and hopefully you are doing the same. Way to go! But if you love someone who doesn’t treat you well, then you need to get in tune with your nitty gritty to find out why you are giving away your love and energy to someone who is less than worthy. Most of the time, you’ll find it’s because you don’t think you’re worthy. So, rather than beat yourself up any further, focus your attention on “getting love right.”
What do I mean when I say, “getting love right.” First of all, even though I am type-A, I am by no means encouraging you to keep score, or treat love as a game to win. Ah…no. Getting love right is getting to that place of figuring out love’s definition. And here is what I think it is: Love just is. And once I understood this idea: Love happens when we let go of the notion of perfect, of “the right time,” prince charming, and “one-love-size-fits-all;”then I was in a better place to recognize what I needed, and what others needed; I found myself being able to love and be loved.
Love expects you to be comfortable when you’re uncomfortable; strong when you’re weak; brave when you’re scared. And the funny thing is, when love asks us to be all of those things, we quickly and blindly oblige without a second thought. And why? Because love is. We can’t control who we fall in like, lust or love with any more than we can control the wind. But we can understand why we are drawn to certain people and make better decisions to harness all the power love can offer. If he’s good for you, then by all means follow down that path to see what you can find. But if he isn’t good for you, love yourself enough to say, “No thank you,” and be open and ready for the good stuff to find you. Be true to yourself and what your needs are and you’ll start making better decisions for a better life.
I can think of no better person that is being true to himself than my Gay Sunday Boyfriend. We’ve known each other for decades. From the stories of lust and destructive dalliances to the heartbreaking ends of major loves, we’ve each seen, heard, been there for each other during some of life’s major lessons. He may or may not know this, but there have been several occasions where his honest words to look within, rather than to others, for answers have literally saved me from continuing to make poor choices.
Not everyone is willing to tell you the truth you need to hear at your lowest moments because they fear the fallout. Because let’s face it…we aren’t as rational as we need to be at our lowest moments. But my Gay SB has a way of letting you know what you need to do for yourself in such a safe and positive way, that you can’t help but feel more at ease, more confident moving forward. I seriously don’t know how he does it. Maybe it’s because we’ve been through so much together (and in our own rights) that any fear is put aside because of the love, trust, and respect we’ve built? I’m sure that’s it. But I think it has a lot to do with my Gay Sunday Boyfriend’s approach to life as well.
Simply put, he is a light. I am, and have always been, drawn to him and people like him who effortlessly radiate life’s possibilities. He’s more positive than negative. He willingly lifts you up when you need it. He always has a smile for you. You can feed off of his creative energy for days. He’s a gift. And I’m smart enough to know he’s the kind of person I want in my world. Sometimes, I’ll admit, I feel like a big moocher…taking so much from him and feeling like I’m not ponying up the same amount of good stuff to him in return. There are days, when I wonder where I would be without his friendship. And then I quickly stop thinking about it because the answers are always, “in a bad place.” Who we love is a projection of the love we have for ourselves…and with my Gay SB, it is the gold standard.
So when he sent the news he recently became engaged, I cried. A more accurate description: I wept. (I am getting teary-eyed just writing this.) His fiancé is, as you can imagine, just as wonderful and giving. Another light. I am so overjoyed; my emotions are coming at me so fast, that the quickest way of expression is through tears. They flowed and flowed. Upon the news, after I went through a box of tissues and had to explain to my significant other that my tears were really tears of joy, I sent a note to my Gay SB’s fiancé. I’m not really sure why I felt compelled to write one. Maybe it goes back to that idea of connections I wrote about a few weeks back? Regardless, I thanked him for loving my Gay SB. I’m not sure why that came out, but it felt and still feels like the closest thing to what I am feeling. Maybe because their news made me so happy and I have him to thank for that? Maybe. I told him I was thrilled with the news because now I was gaining another remarkable, loving person in my world.
I wish everyone could experience this kind of happiness for someone they love. It is enriching. Intoxicating. I wish everyone would allow themselves to identify more with what love feels like, rather than what it “should”look like. Because love is. Accepting. Encouraging. Lifting. Enlightening. Enriching. Enhancing. All these intangible words are how love looks to me. Love is like color. Love is like air. Love is like birth. Love is like death. Love is. To define it any further is to short change yourself of love’s possibilities.
Here’s hoping all of us get closer to understanding what love is and allow ourselves to be overtaken by its joyful intoxication.
As always, stay comfy; be good to yourself and all your Sunday Boyfriends.