I just finished reading another NYT article about the joys of traveling and eating at yet another over priced restaurant/hotel. You know the ones I mean: Seattle for foodies who love fish and can spend $120.00 for dinner, road trip with a daughter going to an expensive private college, exotic jungle trips, staying at hotels costing $500.00 per night and promising absolutely no contact with poor people. I got to thinking about how Milwaukee could offer a unique kind of vacation experience for people with too much time and money (getting to be rarer and rarer these days but still a viable vacation niche) But may be a way for those without jobs to get in on the exotic vacation craze.
How To Pay A Lot of Money to Spend Your Vacation Pretending You Are A Regular(Poor) Person
At Old Milwaukee House, we try to provide our guests with an “experience” not just a vacation.
First, we casually greet out guests at the front door of this somewhat jerri-rigged, typical Milwaukee Victorian from the Queen Anne era (whatever that means)on Milwaukee’s fashionable Eastside. After a moment for the new guest to enjoy the typical Milwaukee street of impeccably mowed, tiny front lawns, we proceed up the stairs where guests have their choice of two lovely rooms.
The first one is up another very cool circular staircase which opens to a mismatched, mostly remodeled attic room with an authentic if dusty Oriental from the 1920’s and a futon bed (fairly uncomfortable). A lovely skylight opens to a gray, dusty (because of coal dust from the power plant a couple of miles away) sky and can be left open unless it’s too hot. The room has heat but not air conditioning and can be very hot. (It is an attic after all.) Also, it is quite some distance from a bathroom which can be a problem (especially for people over 50). May we suggest an old fashioned chamber pot, adding still more flavor to the experience.
The second available room is back down on the second floor near the bathroom and has a lovely mural , hand painted by children on exotically mismatched walls. The furnishings are mostly from second- hand, excuse me, vintage stores mixed eclectically with cheap Home Depot pieces. There is only one window and can also be hot in summer (see above), but that’s part of the experience, ain’na hey? (An old Milwaukee expression.) Both rooms come with mismatched, older sheets, some pillowcases available upon request, and blankets from another era with original pilling, unraveling and stains still intact. Same with towels which are also usually available.
Now, let’s talk about meals: the highlight of your poor experience! Breakfast is a casual affair. There will be several kinds of dry bread available for making toast in the old toaster that either burns the bread or leaves it uncooked. And honey in a sticky but still usable jar and usually oatmeal made from an old family recipe and left on the stove to crust over. Or you can make your own. Just be sure to carefully wash your own pan, soaking in the sink, or choose from a selection of old, rusty pots also from second-hand/vintage stores and make your own! What fun!
Lunch is on your own at any of the quirky, cute establishments a short walk away. To eat like real poor people, I’d suggest a nearby sub shop, or Greek fast food restaurant. (With a car, you can reach more of these delights about a mile away and even a doughnut shop. (You could buy some and save for breakfast if you’re sick of toast.) If this seems too healthy or breaks the budget, I’d suggest Open Pantry or Walgreens where you can find all of the pre-packaged goodies and corn oil snacks known to human-kind and even toaster oven pizza, almost like real food.
For dinner, the same places are still open, or you might try for a real splurge. There are two inexpensive take out Persian places but if this sounds too foreign or too healthy, usually the same thing, repeat the above.
Or for a real treat, you could book in for dinner, with a real family (mine). (We like to call it “supper,” makes it sound more working class.) If it’s warm, we eat out on the back porch, mostly free from mosquitoes, but first, we like to argue about where we’ll eat. You can always join in. Just to warn you, I always win. There will be lots of beans, rice and raw verges available served with water or rice milk. No sugar or white flour, so this might not be exactly the “poor experience” you desire. (See options above) But you will be sure to have a real multi-cultural family experience, representing about 10 different nationalities and/or races/colors and complete with numerous arguments throughout the meal. Somebody is sure to slam out angry before dinner is quite over.
Bedtime must be by 11:00 PM, as the owner needs her sleep. (Guests are for the same reason not allowed to get up before 11:00 AM.) Late night snacks are permitted. Just rummage around in the fridge like we do. (I need to warn guests to be careful about eating anything covered in a blue fuzz. Just put it back and save it for my full-time tenant, Frank, who eats most anything.)
Things to do without leaving the house:
1. There is a large library available in a second floor bedroom. Books are mostly the kind you would expect to read in a college English class (hey, you can re-experience the same boredom you did in college!). Includes some mysteries and lots of political diatribes and feminist theory as well.
2. Or you can just sit quietly on the back porch and listen to the neighbors building things and/or mowing their lawns. (If it’s an air show weekend, there will lots of fun deafening noises right over head because we are in the flight path which makes us feel special. Another word of caution: owner will be out of town and therefore, unavailable.)
3. Music is available inside if you can get the CD player to work and find the CDs scattered around the house. (Same for newspapers.)
4. Or you might opt to sit on the front porch and watch the neighbors walk their dogs of all varieities back and forth and chase their children on various wheeled conveyances. (Except, of course, when the city is spraying for mosquitoes with deadly chemicals. At which time it is best to stay inside!)
Reservations can be made by calling (414) por pepl from 11:00AM-12:00PM, except on weekends and Monday-Thursday or on alternate Fridays. Just ask for Ms. Poor. Can’t wait to hear from you!
